A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking Up With Your Crazy Girlfriend (Illustrated by TV Commercials)
3) Attempt to eat or drink…well, anything at all
httpv://youtu.be/MsIPR3whPBk
This is harder than it sounds now that you’ve threatened Cpt. CooCoo’s food supply. Forget about the yogurt; that’s yesterday’s news. Now momma bear’s on the warpath, and she’ll treat every morsel of food that approaches your lips like one of her baby cubs: with unrelenting, territorial violence. Between leg kicks, face smashes, and presumably off-screen power bombs, your body can expect to take a beating. (All that malnourishment isn’t helping things, either, but crazy women are known for crippling their men with strict “calorie-free soda” diets.)
Bonus Tip!
Throw in that ogling technique again from earlier. At best, this will reroute her violence to someone nearby and land her behind bars where she belongs. At worst…hell, I don’t know. They don’t call people like that “lunatics” on account of their predictability.
4) Upgrade your cell phone plan
httpv://youtu.be/elguO9usN4Q
OK, obviously this one only works if you share a plan. But believe me, crazy ladies hate it when you f**k with their cell phones, regardless of their age. This will be the last straw, and guess who’s riding shotgun on the camel? Jesus, you can just hear the acid dripping off each syllable that exits this woman’s mouth. She barely needs an excuse to openly regret her entire marriage at the news that one of their monthly bills might increase by $10 or $20. And when she finds out their little upgrade is completely free? Not so much as a hint of remorse for her hasty, hateful statements. That’s Masters-level craziness, and you can bet the husband’s already forming an exit strategy.
After watching this commercial for the eighth time, my manjigglies shriveled up and tried to hide inside my pancreas. One of them never came back.
5) Let her take you on one last scenic drive
httpv://youtu.be/aswHIqHyej4
It will seem suspicious when your smiling girlfriend silently shoves you into the back of her Saab, but no more suspicious than a dog rug, really. You’re in the homestretch, guy, and this is where you play it cool. She’s finally ready to break up, and you can bet it’s going to be in true lunatic fashion. This commercial serves the dual purpose of showing you how a relatively normal (if Asperger-ish) girlfriend might start the break-up conversation. But you know better, don’t you?
That “thud” on the pavement wasn’t your coccyx doubling back on itself, by the way. That was the thud of freedom. And I know you’re being a real trooper, but there’s one more thing left to do…
6) Be a complete pussy willow
httpv://youtu.be/w4SAohuBSgs
For a while, it will seem like your ex drove off the face of the planet upon casually pushing you into it at 64 mph. After two weeks of complete radio silence (i.e., zero calls or texts), she’ll show up unannounced at your apartment with her new hulk of a boyfriend. They will proceed to steal all of your shit together while you watch helpless from the sidelines. Even if your body has fully recovered from the breakup, there’s only one thing more dangerous than a crazy lady: a crazy lady with muscle behind her. You’re better off just climbing aboard the Pussy Train and hoping they don’t light the place on fire as they leave.
There are, of course, different brands of crazy, and thus alternative endings to your story. Here are two:
The Passive-Aggressor
httpv://youtu.be/3vFhBqu50bM
Woof, give me the violence any day.
The Schizophrenic
httpv://youtu.be/CTmevHWGny8
I gotta say, I question your moral foundation if this last one applies to you. So she’s ending the relationship while somehow believing you’ve existed as a mute, frothy, ever-replenishing beverage this entire time? And how many psychotics can doll themselves up so well?? I’ll just leave those implications to the experts, I guess.
Anyway, good luck!
