A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking Up With Your Crazy Girlfriend (Illustrated by TV Commercials)

Make no mistake, guys: maintaining a romantic relationship is hard work. Despite what the Real Housewives of New York City would have you believe, it’s not always dandelions and dewdrops after you finally manage to coax your dream girl out of the “friend zone.” But that kissy-wissy honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever, does it? And maybe you should have caught the warning signs when she took you to visit a taxidermist on your fourth date, but after coming home the other night to a new throw rug that used to be your English bulldog, it’s pretty official: this chick is nuts.

Obviously you can’t date a crazy person. You’ve got to break up with her.  But how? How do you break up with a crazy without putting your life in jeopardy? The answer is simple: get her to break up with you. I know, I know, your first instinct might be to go all silverback for a while:

“It is time you skipped town, woman-I-have-been-regularly-copulating-with. Good day!”

But that only escalates the situation; fighting crazy with angry is like fighting an active volcano with an A-bomb. No, while it might seem counterintuitive, crazy is best combated by cowardice. Luckily, TV commercials have been doling out totally free advice on how to emasculate ourselves for years! When you’re ready to cut all ties and take back your sane singlehood, here are six steps to follow…

1)  Start checking out other women


Oh yeah, that’s how you get her gears grinding. You’re going to want to get that alcohol flowing, because that’s when her brain’s crazy snake likes to flex its cobra cowl. Find yourselves an open spot at the beach—nice and secluded, so the local cops don’t give you open-container tickets or anything. And since you’re somewhat isolated, she’ll have no problem spotting your errant stares when another hot chick sashays by.

Time to play it cool. Don’t let out a wolf whistle or anything, but definitely swivel your head a little. Did you catch that nostril flare over to your right? Good, ‘cause here’s what’s coming next:


Or the cheek if she misses. Either way, her reaction to your ogling is about par for the course. Wait a week or so before moving on to Phase Two. When the time is right…

2)  Smugly tease her with fat-free yogurt


Anyone who has dated a lunatic already knows about their innate weakness for Greek yogurt. Goddamn, that stuff is like beer-muscled catnip for crazy.

Science isn’t quite sure why, but pretty much every woman on earth is obsessed with yogurt. This is a problem, because you can only measure a crazy lady’s psychosis if you interrupt one of her feedings, which no God-fearing man would ever normally do. In the example above, this results in a swift head-butt, indicating abnormally high lunacy levels. John Stamos does the smart thing, of course: after hitting the floor like a sock full of chalk, he cowers in submission below her eye level.

He has seen evil, and it kamikaze’d his face. His beautiful, beautiful face.

But rest assured, this man’s job is done. He planted a seed of distrust in that brunette’s astoundingly resilient cranium, and no woman can stay with a man who won’t LAY THE HELL OFF HER CALCIUM INTAKE, GODDAMNIT. But now that the seed’s planted, it needs a little fertilizer. You’ve got to cultivate that cowardice, OK? Keep that in mind as you…

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