When Guns Just Won’t Cut It: Six Incredibly Cool Improvised Weapons From Movies

I am at a point in my life when gun fights in movies really don’t impress me all that much anymore. I adored the final gun fight in Equilibrium, and some of the Matrix bullet-time shit was a lot of fun the first few times you saw it, but if you are from generation X like me, you grew up on 80’s and 90’s action movies, and have overplayed your fair share of “cover shooter” games that have you engaging in twenty minute gun battles, and some of the excitement you feel over hot chunks of lead flying through the air and landing in people has worn off on. What is good, though, is there has been a shift in how cinema views an action scene or a standoff between two people now.

Where once, it was fists, knives, and bullets, we are in a time in film when anything goes. Is there a kid’s bike on the ground near you? Kick it up in the air and use it as a weapon. You see that plant over in the corner, you can totally utilize that as a weapon of death, too. Here are six other examples film has given me, but my general suggestion to you would be to not try any of this at home, despite how awesome some of the scenes are. And in the case of the mech loader, if you DO have one of these to try at home, call me over your house, stat!

Magazine (and Pen, and Book, and Every Other Thing Not Bolted Down) from Bourne Franchise

People do get really mad when Matt Damon hogs the Mad magazines.

I think that the magazine fight from Bourne Supremacy is my favorite fight from the Bourne flicks. Why? Because, to me, it is just so improbable. If this scene had starred me, you would have seen me whack the guy with a rolled up magazine a few times, and then the guy beating me to death while laughing at me and my rolled up, seven year old EGM. But somehow, the frenetic pacing and the seemingly real impact of the blows landed in this scene, maxed with the (always small) spaces Bourne finds himself in when he gets into fights, and you have the making of an awesome improvised weaponry scene.

Truth is, I could have filled a list with just improvised Bourne weapons, because there are so many. But the book and magazine are my favorite because I like the visual metaphor of beating people down with the written word. After all, it is what I do for a living.

A Bottle from Pan’s Labyrinth

I won’t show you the scene because it’s that brutal, but you know the one I’m talking about.

What you need to understand about this article is that not all weapons that are improvised are improvised by ninja masters or spy’s. Some of them are just good old fashioned bludgeoning objects yielded by evil men, and that is exactly how the bottle is used in this early scene from Pan’s Labyrinth. The thing about this scene is, you sort of FEEL it coming, but not in the way they give it to you. The whole scene is tense, and you can feel that tension building, but once the bludgeoning starts, you expect the camera to PAN away (sorry, had to), yet it never does. Instead, we see the face and skull of this gentleman caving in more and more with each blow, and it is nauseatingly awesome.

I realize you can pretty much bludgeon anyone with anything, but outside of the fire extinguisher in Irreversible (which I won’t bring up for awhile after this debacle), this scene is the best “I just caved in your face with something I had in my hand” scene in what is an overall amazing and unforgettable film.

The Hammer from Oldboy 

” Excuse me, sir, is this customer service?”

I make no attempt to hide my adoration for this film, and especially this scene. The reason for that is two fold. One, it is just incredibly visceral and feels real, whereas most scenes like this would end up being laughable or over-the-top. Second, the one-take they shot it in. From the framing to the pacing, it is pretty much a perfect scene, especially when you know what fueled it. A man bent on revenge, with the kind of will where nothing and no one can stop him.

And by the end of the scene, even with knives hanging out of him, nothing is stopping him from getting to the end of that hallway, using only one hammer. It is violent, and raw, and everything that is right with South Korean revenge cinema. Expect the American Spike Lee reboot to fuck this all up. No disrespect meant to Spike Lee, whose work I love. You just can’t top this film and no one should even try.