Ten Seasonal Horror Films That Make You Feel Like You Have Hypothermia

Now that the air has grown colder and it gets dark earlier, I started thinking ” I should do some X-mas style lists” and this was the first thing that came to mind. That just shows you how tainted my mind is. I try to think of cute, holiday lists, and they still end up revolving around death. Except these also revolve around cold, and snow, and hypothermia and madness.

I mean, those are topical and Christmas related, right? No!? Well, then  you’ve never gone shopping with me! I promise over the next four weeks this will get more and more seasonal, dammit. But for now, atleast admire that I am trying, ever so slightly. Here, wear a blanket when you watch these movies, lest you catch your death of cold. God forbid, I would probably get blamed for the murder. Again.

Frozen

“Hey, guys, can you pull me up, this isn’t fun anymore.”

I realize some people do not like Frozen, the movie about the four wayward skiers who get stick on the chairlift overnight (for a week), and have to contend with each other, nature, and the frigid  temperatures. While the first act is tense and unnerving, it is the second act (and the unnecessary addition of the wolves) that really threw some people off. And I can understand that, the “snowboard away from the wolves” scene was silly, no doubt, and took some of the power out of the preceding hour of the film, but when it comes to winter horror, I tend to always think of the movie Frozen and just how original and scary the concept (minus wolves) really is. I wanted to put The Grey on the list, but even though Liam Neeson fights a wolf to the death, that movie is not considered horror, whereas these are.

Not the best film on the list by any means, it is still a fun movie to watch when the wind is blowing outside, and you are sitting in front of the fireplace with someone you love. By fireplace I mean burning homeless person, and by someone you love I mean the transient you keep as a toy.

See, I understand  you.

Dead Snow

Hitlers forces were hard at work freezing their balls off.

I love Dead Snow. I didn’t watch it when it first came out, thinking it was some dumb “snow-nazi-zombie” movie. And then when it hit me that it WAS all those things, and all those things are usually awesome when it comes to movies, and I started watching the Hell out of it. What that means is, I watch it all the time now. It really is one of the more fun (stupid, and mindless) zombies movies to have come out in a long time. It is from Norway, and as you know from movies like Let The Right One In and Troll Hunter, Norway REALLY knows how to do ‘cold horror’.

Just remember, do not approach this movie like a 28 Days Later or a Romero flick. These movies are more akin to the Return Of The Living Dead series, so be prepared to wince as much as you laugh, which is one of the strongest selling points of the film.

The Thing

Poor guy musta had to vomit blood on the enter key to make it work. That can be exhausting.

The Thing is such a good movie, it is easy to forget that they could freeze to death at any moment. I mean, granted, they are wearing all those layers of fuzzy, shiny, furry winter coat, and that is legit, but let’s say they weren’t and they went outside for two minutes. They would be totally dead, which proves this has a place here. The great thing about the setting of this film is it added to the sense of isolation and dread. They couldn’t even runaway, or they would certainly die due to exposure. So they are trapped because of a massive storm, and the creature that is hunting them could be ANY of them, and they would have no clue. So not only is the cold a factor, but fear and doubt as well, which only gets manifested by the one location they are forced to endure the whole movie.

So you put the idea of claustrophobia and add it to the fear of being assimilated and killed by one of your friends, and add to that the fact that, if you leave, you freeze to death, and you pretty much have the perfect “snow and cold” based horror film of all time.

The Last Winter

Chris loved making naked snow angels, and he was well aware of the risk, but he died doing something he truly believed in. 

Okay, I know VERY few of you have seen this movie, and it is awesome. Okay, so the ending causes people to say WTF, and look around confused, if you pay close attention to the movie the ending will make more sense to you than it will to most (though it is WTF regardless, it is still awesome) but you owe it to yourself to see this film.

The Last Winter is about a group of oil drillers drilling in an Arctic wildlife refuge in hopes of finding a sustainable energy source. They release a sort of “sour gas” that very well may be making them go crazy, and they don’t know it. Or it could be the spirit of nature itself, rebelling against these greedy, corporate scum. That unspoken message was what threw some people off from this movie, but if you just watch it for what it is, and don’t look too deeply into the message, you will find a movie rife with thick atmosphere, waning mental states, and some bitter cold, which is why it earned a place on this list. Oh, and Ron Perlman is in it, so there’s that. Also, most people hated the ending, and I adore it. It stuck with me forever. Haunting to say the least.

30 Days Of Night

The Lumineers are much more frightening in person than they are in their music video.

I don’t care what you say, 30 Days was a great translation. And though it is missing the stellar Ben Templesmith artwork, it retained his core visual designs for the vampires, which made it work even better. And the idea of a group of vampires coming to feed on an Alaskan town that is stuck in perpetual darkness for thirty days is brilliant. They treat the town of Barrow like an Old Country Buffet, and it is Alaska, afterall, so it pretty much looks stark white and pitch black, all while being abysmally cold. If that is not a scenario that gives you goosebumps, you must be morbidly obese and require a crane to remove you from your house. At which point, you are far more terrifying than anything on this list.

Cold Prey

I have to admit, the graphics of the new Minecraft DLC have gotten photo realistic, but the creepers a.i has gotten relentless.

Another Norwegian film (okay, quick disclaimer, every Norwegian horror film could be on this list because they all take place in frigid, barren environments), this one plays up the idea of attractive teens getting killed, one by one, by a slasher/killer/bad guy. By now, I believe there are three sequels to Cold Prey. This has truly become the Friday the 13th series over there. And it makes perfect sense. Norwegian kids can’t relate to kids who spend weekends at a summer camp, swimming in warm weather, so what do they do? They make the kids snowboarders, and replace the lake with a mountain fit for shredding, and BAM, Norwegians have their Jason, and we have a cool new take on the genre.