Realistically Casting the Gears of War Movie

gears_screen_copy

Gears of War creator Cliff Bles

zinski appears to be slightly delusional when it comes to casting the upcoming Gears movie. Granted any game creator doesn’t want their pride and joy turned into a horrendous movie, but Blezinski should check with the guys behind Doom, Alone in the Dark, Dead or Alive and Max Payne if he wants to see how that usually works out. Here’s an excerpt from his IGN interview where he talks about casting the lead, the refrigerator-esque Marcus Fenix:

“Definitely not a wrestler. I think just go with a real actor…You know… like a Clive Owen type; somebody who can actually act and is incredibly charismatic. And they can put him on a workout plan for six months so he can build the muscle mass he needs.”

Overlooking the fact that Clive Owen would never be in a Gears of War movie even if you paid him all the profits from Gears of War 2, in order to build up the muscle mass required he’d most likely have to undergo some sort of experimental gene therapy, seeing that no living person has biceps as large as their head.So I thought I’d save you some trouble Cliff, and show you what your cast will probably look like unless by some miracle Warner Bros. gives you a $300 million budget and the Cohen brothers to direct. The caliber isn’t what you’d call “A-list” but hey, no wrestlers!

Casting begins after the jump:

Marcus Fenix – Patrick Warburton

gears marcus

That’s right, Puddy. You get Puddy. He may have only had a handful of real roles over the years, but I’ll be damned if you tell me he doesn’t look the part. The constant squint, the set jaw, he’s got it all!

Dominic Santiago – Mario Lopez

gears dom

Can Lopez act in a serious role? I mean, I never saw Pacific Blue, but I suppose it’s possible. It did however, take me about 19 pages of Google image results to find a picture of him where he wasn’t smiling like a jackass. He’s Latino and jacked, what more do you need?

Damon Baird – Paul Walker

gears baird

Paul Walker can’t land a leading role unless it involves being frequently shirtless or driving cars with glowing neon lights underneath them. I’m sure he’d give a big “helllll yeah!” to the prospect of being the annoying blonde-haired Baird, because it’s not like he’s doing anything else. Wait, another one? Seriously?

Augustus Cole – Terry Tate

gears cole

When casting the “large black man” role, everyone always turns to Michael Clarke Duncan, but I think he’s a bit out of our price range. Terry Tate on the other hand has the personality, the body and the pro-sports background to fill the blood-stained boots of the “Cole Train.” Can’t you just picture him sacking the shit out of a Locust?


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