Imagining the Year in Gaming 2012

Game of Thrones (RPG): PS3 and Xbox 360. Score: 4 out of 10

Damn you. Damn you will all that is highly damnable in a world made of damn. Damn you with the powers of the high damn King and all his minions. Damn you to such extremes, that even BEAVERS, who build dams, would be like DAMMNNNN! How can you take material THIS PERFECT and sully it with an imperfect RPG? Am I supposed to be impressed with the fact that you have dialogue trees? Well, your options for dialogue all suck, and are barely different versions of each other. Should I be impressed that I get to see locations from the show? No, because they look pre-rendered and are all static and dull.

You had material here that you could have pulled years and years of amazing games from. Each book and season as its own show, except with branching sidelines and outcomes? Instead you give us a subpar story consisting of minor characters squabbling over minor points. Add to that crap gameplay and tacked on Boss battles (A dragon? Are you f*cking serious?) and you have what may end up being my most hated license usage since Total Recall on the NES. Oh, and was it too much to ask for to have a Peter Dinklage interactive three way minigame? At least THAT would have been fun.

Silent Hill: Downpour: Xbox 360 and PS3. Score: 7 out of 10

Silent Hill 2 is one of the greatest narratives in video games ever. I don’t care what anyone says, I am TELLING you. It really is. That and the inclusion of the weird scene with pyramid head sort of raping those mannequin legs secures it in my top ten of all time. So maybe, for that reason, no Silent Hill since has come close since part 2. The problem is, they don’t know what they want be anymore. Is it an action game? Is it a survival horror game? Is it some weird metaphor for a psychological journey? I think it wants to be all of those things, and for that reason alone, it excels at none of them.

Downpour has a decent storyline, but it is typical Silent Hill fare. Fleshy creatures waddle toward you from the shadows, making noises that sound eerily like sex. You shoot at it and wonder: Am I shooting it in the face or ass? In this Universe, it is all the same. The main problem here is it all feels like it has been made on a conveyer belt. Insert cut scene and then insert scare and then insert action scene and repeat. This is exactly how this game plays out. And while a few of the characters are well scripted, and a couple of the scares genuine, we have been to this Silent Hill before. Radio gets static. Town gets foggy. Normal things turn weird and it is all because of some deep seated trauma we have not worked out yet. Yeah, we get it. Just give me a weird guy screwing mannequin legs right after I killed my wife to put her out of her misery and I am all set. I mean, um, spoiler alert.

Dishonored: Xbox and PS3. 8 out of 10

I would call this game Deus Ex lite. I loved Deus Ex, though, so I enjoyed it. It appears to have an open ended gameplay element similar to said series, but you will see after a play through or two that the differences in choices change little in the gameplay department. Should I go into the room with guns blazing or should I turn myself into a rat and go in through the grates? That may seem like a simple question, but it is one you will ask yourself over and over again in this game. I guess I just never got tired of turning into a rat and sneaking into rooms, though. I always thought Tom and Jerry would be a great game, and this sort of reinforced that belief. As a matter of fact, looking back, this game was more of a ‘turning into a mouse’ simulator for me than anything else. But if you like turning into a mouse, and I sure did, then this game is just for you!

Diablo 3: PC. Score: 1 out of 10

In what may be the most stunning video game upset of all time, I actually could not play this game because my ‘always-on’ internet connection keeps switching off. As you know, you need a constant connection to play this game, even in single player. Suffice it to say, I am now emo and cut myself as a result of this. *Slams door to bedroom*

Bioshock: Infinite: Score: 100 out of 10

I have seen the face of God, and have kissed his forehead. I have walked among the divine, and stood on the tops of mountains, singing songs in keys that only angels will hear. I have now tasted the Infinite, and gaming will never be the same. To tell you ANYTHING about this game is to spit in the open mouth of all that is sacred about gaming. Can you explain a snowflake to the blind? Can you, in written word, explain music to the deaf? How about what love feels like to someone who hath never felt it? Would you dare use your words to attempt to explain things so sacred, or would you KNOW you would probably defile them by trying, so not even bother? Will I explain to you the intricate relationship that Booker, whom you play, forms with Elizabeth, whom you are trying to protect, throughout the course of the game?

You will not believe the many layers that unfold before your eyes as the duality of your relationship is revealed. Would I dare ruin the secret behind Songbird, a character so amazing that it makes a Big Daddy look as unimportant as a koopa trooper? No, I wouldn’t dare. But I will say that this game takes the “would you kindly” twist ending and smashes it out of the park. Nary has a twist ending happened in a game (or even in a piece of fiction I have read) that shook me more to my core. And if you thought Rapture was the most amazing place you have visited in gaming, wait until you ride the hook rails in Columbia! In the way that the original Bioshock ushered in the current generation of gaming, Infinite ushers it out, and honestly, I just don’t see this game being surpassed. The game is so good I proposed to it like one of those weird Japanese guys that marries a pillow. My girlfriend is still kind of pissed off about it, actually. By girlfriend, I unfortunately DON’T mean Bioshock Infinite. Yet….

Quick reviews:

Max Payne 3

Hey, it is a Max Payne that takes place in Brazil and feels like a Call of Duty game. Um, suck much?

Assassin’s Creed

Wow, another Assassin’s Creed. They spit these things out more than my whorish cousin spits out kids.

Resident Evil 6

Plays just like 4 and 5. People get pissed. They say they want more horror. I say f*ck ‘em. It’s old school fun. Plus ZOMBIES ARE BACK!

Aliens: Colonial Marines

Another first person shooter game built around Aliens? I don’t care if it’s been done before. The fanboy in me salutes this game.

The Last Guardian

Can’t talk about this game right now, crying WAY too hard from the ending.

So there you have it. The year in gaming for 2012. I know I left out a bunch of titles that are coming out and that will most likely be awesome, but I am only one man. At the rate of about a game a month, this list is a fairly accurate portrayal of how a working man plays games. Plus, I had to BUY all these games. I don’t have the kind of clout to get review copies, yet. But I swear that this list change all that. My freakishly on point, 83% accuracy rating on this list will earn me the clout I need. Aw, 2012 was a great year for gaming. I was scared that 2011 would not be able to be topped because of gems like Deus Ex and Skyrim, but 2012 was as just as good. Thank God those Mayans were wrong.