Four Movie Pitches That Will Never See the Light of Day (and Two That Might)


It’s a common complaint these days that our TV- and movie-viewing experience is sullied by the prevalence of unoriginal material. We’re constantly fed the same hackneyed character tropes, storylines, and MacGuffins the entertainment biz knows are a sure thing. I know I can be unfairly cynical at times, but when you see trailers for movies that absolutely shouldn’t exist, or TV shows based on terrible Geico commercials, it’s almost enough to make you want to drown puppies in a vat of boiling oil. (On an unrelated note, I’m no longer allowed to cook homemade fried dough at my girlfriend’s Oscar parties.)

Who among us hasn’t taken one look at Hollywood’s latest turd-burger and said, “Shit, I can do better than that! They’re not even trying.” I sure have. In fact, over the years I’ve compiled a laundry list of original movie pitches that would revolutionize the industry, baby. I know this because my weed dealer told me so.

To be clear, I’m not really sharing these pitches to give you a sneak peek of my budding cinematic career. This is more like a literary therapy session for me. Rest assured, if you’re on a dinner-and-movie date over the next few years, you won’t see trailers for…


The Man Against the Man of Steel

The Premise: A bleak alternate universe where Superman’s intentions are not as righteous as they seem…

The Pitch: It’s the year 1952, and Superman has just announced himself as our world’s loyal public servant. Unbeknownst to the swooning masses, however, Superman is secretly paving the way for Kryptonians to enslave humanity in 2024. Lex Luthor, a meek sociologist and trusted advisor to the President of the United States, stumbles upon Superman’s ulterior motives on a fluke, but fails to collect any proof. Fully aware of this fact, Superman plays psychological games with Luthor to escalate his torment. Luthor descends deeper and deeper into madness with the realization that he will be long dead before the world discovers his seemingly crazy accusations are all too true.

Why it Will Never Happen: There are so many alternate timelines and universes behind DC and Marvel characters, I can’t keep track of them all. Hell, this premise could have already shown up in the comics, for all I know. But Superman’s an American icon, and I don’t think Hollywood is willing to drag his altruistic reputation through the mud just yet on the big screen (especially since they’re in the middle of doing that again already).


Star Wars Origins

The Premise: An R-rated Star Wars movie franchise. You’re welcome, fellow nerds.

The Pitch: Alien boobs! Alien blood! Alien guts! Alien sex scenes! Han’s panty-dropping ancestors! Alien profanity! Jedi torture scenes! More alien boobs!

Why it Will Never Happen: This guy.

And also, this:




The Premise: Home Alone 2’s gritty sequel.

The Pitch: The year is 2012 in downtown Chicago, and Kevin McCallister is 32 years old. Though much time has passed, Kevin never truly recovered from his parents’ sequential Yuletide abandonment in the early ‘90s. He distrusts everyone he meets, has severed the last of his family ties, and refuses all visitors in his modest apartment. In fact, Kevin’s paranoia of even the slightest intimacy grows stronger with each passing year, and he archives his daily ramblings on a digital voice recorder. One morning, Kevin accidentally pours his prescriptions down the sink. On the verge of despair, he reluctantly answers his ringing cell phone, which amounts to a prank phone call from local youngsters. The next day a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on Kevin’s door, but he isn’t in the mood for company…

Why it Will Never Happen: For one, enough stuff is getting the gritty reboot treatment as it is. They tried two extra flippity-flop sequels for this franchise already, and the second one was straight-to-TV in 2002. I don’t think any studio is dumb enough to take another chance. And I know McCauley Culkin can play a decent creep because I’ve seen The Good Son and goddamn just look at a recent picture, but something tells me he’s not exactly on the verge of pulling a Robert Downey, Jr. with his acting career (not the best comparison, I’ll admit, but you get what I’m saying).


An Eddie Murphy Movie That Gives Us Eddie Murphy from Raw and No Other Kind of Eddie Murphy

The Premise: Eddie Murphy from Raw and no other kind of Eddie Murphy.

The Pitch: An Eddie Murphy movie that gives us Eddie Murphy from Raw and no other kind of Eddie Murphy.

Why it Will Never Happen: Shrek, Norbit, Daddy Daycare, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, The Haunted Mansion, Meet Dave, etc.

But don’t worry, I haven’t given up hope on…


It’s Always Lethal in Los Angeles

The Premise: A couple seasons back, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia ran an episode featuring a mini-Lethal Weapon movie. That’s right, the gang made their own version, and it was glorious. I want two full hours of Mac in blackface, and I want it yesterday.

The Pitch: After both of their entire immediate families are tragically murdered by a Reno casino tycoon, Riggs and Murtaugh turn in their badges and vow bloody revenge. But has their friendship reached its limit? Are they too old for this shit? Is any of this getting a bit racist for some reason? Also, someone gets curb-stomped, and there will be a 17-minute sex scene with Danny DeVito. And seriously, Mac in blackface.

Why it Should Happen: Come on, is there really one good reason to not green-light this thing? Throw that shit up on and I’ll put down my investment today. I’m not kidding.


The King’s Horsemen

The Premise: Constantine meets 300, directed by Christopher Nolan.

The Pitch: The Rapture actually happens on December 21, 2012, and the Westboro Baptist Church was right all along: God literally hates everyone in the history of planet Earth except them. After all 42 members are beamed up to Heaven, cue the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: demons commissioned by Jesus to reap the doomed souls of those “left behind.” But before the Horsemen depart from His pearly gates, God proposes a friendly wager. If they can bring Him all 7.1 billion bloody souls in less than seven days, He’ll dissolve their contract with Satan and give them a new Earth to rule as they see fit. Meanwhile, the Antichrist (Glenn Beck, as it turns out, played by George Clooney) won’t give up humanity’s salvation without a fight, and his bitter tears hold the key to the Horsemen’s undoing. Starring Clive Owen, Viggo Mortensen, Jason Statham, and Jet Li…!!

Why it Should Happen: Because there will be a twist ending where Heaven is just THE WORST. Suck it, WBC.


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  1. Mac’s blackface is awesome!

    #1, #2, #1 and #2 are all great pitches. The R rated Star Wars would be a dream come true. Though I would rather see ep 7, 8, 9 than Star Wars Origin. I didn’t always agree with the George Lucas hate, but if he’s the reason this will never happen. I hate him with all my heart.

  2. 7, 8, and 9 probably won’t ever happen. If you wanna know what happened to Luke and Leia, it’s all in the Expanded Universe. I, for one, am only concerned with pre-Episode 1 EU. It’s all just so badass. A lot of the Star Wars books actually are a bit gorier than the movies (full-on descriptions of Darth Bane biting off a dude’s finger in the mines, for instance (before he was a Sith, it’s kinda complicated)). And I believe later on Darth Bane straight-up cleaves a man’s head in two vertically.

  3. If you like the idea of #1 check out the comic book “Invincible” by image comics. Its my favorite book out, and by far my favorite superhero book. I won’t give too much away, but its a self aware comic book with a similar story.

  4. @Mark

    Yeah, I’ve read some of that. I don’t care for a movie about Luke and Leia. Episodes about the grown up Ben Skywalker and Jacen Solo would be great in my opinion. Reminds me of Dragonball Z somehow…

  5. @Ness
    The first #1 is a lot like the comic Invincible and it would probably make a good movie. Another comic that is basically about what if Superman got fed up with protecting ungrateful humans and decides turn on them is Irredeemable.

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