Unreal Movie Review: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

2.5 out of 5 stars

How many times must we do this?

The first film was a somewhat amusing experiment in how far you could take branding. The second was an abomination that almost made me leave the theater in disgust. The third? I’m too exhausted from the whole concept to even care.

But the Transformers films are box office staples, and like them or not, they’re here to stay. If you think Bay and LaBeouf saying they’re calling it quits will stop the flow, you’re wrong, as this series will live on for as long as it’s profitable.

By the third installment, there are going to have to be some stops pulled out to keep us amused, especially in a film that boasts an almost three hour running time. The result is about what you’d expect, and is, as I’ve always said, robots crashing into each other. If you expect any more than that you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Sam Witwicky might have saved the world twice, and even got a medal from President Obama for it, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into any job prospects after the mayhem dies down. He’s unemployed, and living with his girlfriend who looks less like Megan Fox and more like a Victoria’s Secret Angel that Michael Bay plucked from their stable. Oh wait, that’s because she IS a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

No acting required.

After Fox was fired for calling Michael Bay Hitler in public (you can’t really blame him for that),VS model Rosie Huntington-Whitely stepped up to the plate for the “smoking hot love interest” role that exists solely so Michael Bay can have a continuous supply of shots that puts her in virgin white dresses set against a backdrop of hot cars and explosions. In truth, “Carly” could have easily been Fox’s “Mikaela” with nary a line even changed.

But enough about puny humans, on to the robots! The Autobots are busying themselves overthrowing third world dictators as Megatron attempts to reassemble himself with the aid of his surviving cronies. Optimus Prime is soon dismayed to learn a long-held human secret, that back in the ’60s, the entire space race was a cover up to get to a crashed Autobot ship on the moon. The vessel housed Optimus’ mentor, Sentinel Prime, and a series of pillars he was guarding that act as a “space bridge” (that’s literally the technical term) which can teleport the Autobot and Decepticon homeworld of Cybertron into earth’s orbit.

Shockwave? Soundwave? Something like that.

Sam, Carly and most of the series’ remaining humans all come together to try and stop this from happening, but a sudden and admittedly surprising betrayal throws off their entire plan, and soon major cities are under siege by the Decepticons with the extinction of mankind looming.

The fact that I was even able to describe this plot at all is progress on some level. I couldn’t even tell you the events of the first or second films, and at least by the third chapter there’s some semblance of a coherent story.

What the film does NOT have however is the glue to hold these pieces together. Whenever the humans start talking, the movie gets infinitely more insane than when it’s just giant space robots and their giant space problems. There’s a scene that stars Ken Jeong as a NASA scientist working for the Decepticons, and it’s like he’s taken his Hangover Mr. Chow character, given him a cocktail of adrenaline and cocaine, and let him loose inside this movie, a place he clearly does not belong.

These guys are back. Hooray.

Similarly ridiculous is Sam himself, and I have to blame Shia LaBeouf a bit for this. Sure, the writing is bad, but the character has such extreme ADD, and talks so quickly, while saying so little, that you can’t help but hate him throughout. His car breaks down? Slam once on the steering wheel like a normal human? Nah, how about you get out and kick your engine block fifty times in a row like an escaped mental patient? The fact is Sam and every other character in the film are just one dimensional archetypes. Typical for Bay, but extreme here, and none of them are actually funny, despite trying so desperately hard to be. The only one I did appreciate was Alan Tudyk’s Dutch, a German bodyguard, even though he relies on Bay’s usually prevalent racial stereotyping.

No, there are no more ghetto robots with gold teeth who can’t read. There are however, two NASACAR Autobots who, in a presumed effort to avoid further stereotyping claims, are not rednecks, but instead have working class British accents. Go figure. Their existence would seem to only serve to give Bay more real estate space for ads, as among their many brand stickers, there’s a big ol’ Target symbol right on one of their crotches. Class-tastic.

The action is better than the last film, and this is in spite of (or because of?) my not seeing it in 3D, despite Bay and LaBeouf begging me to do so in interviews. I’m told it’s rather well done in the format, as it’s actually shot in 3D, not converted, but I’ve been burned too many times to trust their word. The scripted sequences Bay has devised are undeniably brilliant from a technical perspective. The entire last hour of the film is an astonishing display of effects as the robots tear each other apart and ravage the skyline of Chicago in the process.

“No no no no no no no no no no no!”

What I will never understand is why these movies insist on being so inhumanly long. Three hours is insane for a movie that forces so much shit on the screen at all times. The films have been a physically exhausting ordeal to get through, and Dark of the Moon is no exception. Everything could be made leaner by stripping out Bay’s failed and frequent attempts at comedy, which would solve a few of the film’s other problems as well.

It’s a bad movie, but not as bad as it could have been. It’s a technological wonder, as all the films have been, and I would argue that for the most part, it’s the most coherent entry in the series. But being the most polished broken down robot in a scrapyard isn’t exactly something to brag about, so Dark of the Moon only seems worthwhile by comparison.

With the trilogy complete, hopefully now Michael Bay can stop being a parody of himself by making these movies and go find new things to blow up. And I’m sure we’ll be lining up for that as well.

2.5 out of 5 stars

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17 Comments

  1. I enjoyed this a lot more than i was expecting, probably due to appalingly low expectations after the last one;
    Yes the plot kinda sucks but it and most of the characters are merely padding before the next action sequence
    No the girl can’t act, but she’s still better and way more attractive than megan fox
    The 3d is pretty easily the best since avatar, the base jumping sequences were awesome, the effects as a whole were obviously amazing.
    the comedy was a bit off in places, firefly’s walsh and john malkovich were fun, but they could have cut ken jeong’s overdone schtick and the parents and saved us 30 minutes
    I also really enjoyed the revisionist history part at the start
    The nascar robots sounded more italian than working class english such as myself but whatever.
    It was crap but i had a good time.

  2. Yeah that about sums it up nicely.

    Good review man but I would of given the squirrel suit jumpers a special mention. You gotta give the man credit that for all the CGI crap he shoved into the film, the most impressive piece of action were real people flying through Chicago.

  3. Well Shia does really like his “no no no” lines.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IXCK1EyP4s

    But i enjoyed T3 (hated T2 – mind you). Sure it’s dragging in the middle, and still too many annoying, unnecessary characters (but Dutch is awesome), and the movie itself could be about 45 minutes shorter.

    But yeah, this time, action was clear, beautiful and epic. No shaky cam trip. Less Bayism (but still not enough), and that Stathams chick is the girl with most hottest/beautiful lips ever (also British accent is kind a hot in a girl).

    Is it a dumb movie – yeah, is it fun – mostly

  4. @Dzuksi

    I shun your shortening of Tranformers 2&3 into T2 & T3 respectively. T2 is Terminator 2! Gigantic difference. MY T2 is an awesome movie about robots YOUR T2 is a horrible movie about robots!

  5. @Comfortable Madness

    THANK YOU! Hahaha, I was just about to post the same thing. T2 and T3 are Terminator 2 and 3. If you want to shorten Transformers, it’d be POS2 and POS3 (think about it…)

  6. I saw it last night and even with my low expectations I was disappointed. The only thing that is slightly watchable were the action scenes. But the story, characters and dialog were just horrible. I got the feeling that the movie was for mindless moviegoers who only need cars, explosions and hot chicks.

    What the hell where they doing in Chicago anyway? Didn’t they arrive in Washington? And that female Director, how annoying can you be? Bay should have cut at least an hour off the movie.

  7. “I got the feeling that the movie was for mindless moviegoers who only need cars, explosions and hot chicks,” sums it up.

    I absolutely detest all of these horrid movies. Micheal Bay is a joke and other than the art direction and effects, these movies would be nothing. He is a sexist, racist pig who deserves no credit to the slightest amount of creativeness to these films.

    I have never really been into Transformers, but my boyfriend absolutely LOVES the series. Every time one of these god damn movies comes out, he gets so sad and angry, which makes me sad and angry. Why ruin everything that made the original series so great by adding in your pretentiousness and expectations that explosions and CG are good enough for these movies to be passable.

    The only reason people see these in theaters is for the effects, not the comedy, that kid that looks like Fred Savage, or even Megan Fox, (err I mean Random Hot Chick A, or whoever she is in this one.) If they lived up to the originals with storylines, you could put a god damn ticker of logos across the top for the 3 hour stretch and fans would still love it, appreciate it, and forever cherish the shit out of it. Instead, your (T2) stuck with a movie that seems like it’s for kids, but too much language and crudeness to even show it to them. The demographics of these movies have always been way off the mark. … grr I absolutely hate these movies.

    sorry, rant over.

  8. @Jim Lahey/Comfortable Madness, you guys just made my day.

    @Rob J, Agreed entirely. the only reason i went to see this after the last one was because of that wing suit promo clip

    Good review Paul, basically my exact opinion about this film. Guess that is why i have read unreality every day for like 3 years now.

  9. I loved the movie. I went into it with the expectations of watching giant robots destroy eachother with mindless explosions and dialogue and pretty hot chicks. Guess what i got…..JUST THAT. I dont know how anyone can go into these movies looking for a valid plot or strong scenes of emotion or even the resemblance of any good dialogue. It’s a great effects/action movie and that is exactly what i was looking for going into it. It was a little long, but at no point was i bored and for that it was a thoroughly enjoyable and mindless experience. It got me away from reality for a few hours and for that i commend it.

  10. @ dabby glova

    agreed 100%. i thought the move was great. why? because i wanted to see giant robots fight and blow shit up.

    even more than that, i thought the plot was actually pretty interesting. also the CG was fantastic and the end fight was epicly huge. now, maybe i am just impressed with that because the last film i saw in the theater was green lantern, which had some of the worst CG this side of 1982 and the final fight was a whole 30 seconds long.

    i did see the movie in 3D only because i got off work at 4:30 and it was playing 3D at 4:50 or 2D at 7:30. so i sucked it up and saw it in 3d, which i hate, but it was surprisingly well done. it wasn’t distracting and there was none of those cheesy “something shoots towards you” scenes that are in every other 3d film.

    overall i gave it 4 stars and even thought it was the best in the series. i gave it best mostly for the final battle, plus there was no half naked john turturo jokes, no “im underneath the robots scrotum” jokes, and no akward “yes, we’re an advanced alien species that can transform into every day objects, but we can’t figure out how to stand quietly outside of a house” jokes. to me this movie just seemed a lot more serious than the others.

  11. I for one will never understand why people argue over movies like this. I take it for what it is, robot fighting.

    It’s like watching porn, you don’t watch it for the story.

  12. I saw it streaming online (the first time for me to do so for a currently released movie) because no way in hell is this movie getting my money, and I got so bored, I closed my window. I don’t care if people say this one’s an improvement, the first forty minutes couldn’t grab me, and I didn’t want to spend another minute with The Beef.

  13. Personally, I rather enjoyed this movie. Was it stupid? Yes. Did I leave the theater dumber when I entered it? Absolutely. As a long time Transformers fan, I understand why people hate these films. To me, Revenge of the Fallen is one of the worse movies ever.

    What I find amusing is that nobody realizes that the basic plot of Dark of the Moon is loosely based on an actual episode of the cartoon. As I recall, the Decepticons use the space bridge to bring Cybertron to Earth. This happened in Season 2 of the original series (I think it was season 2 anyways, feel free to correct me). So they ended up making an almost 3 hour movie based on a 22 minute cartoon episode. Hilarious!

    That being said, I am amazed at what Michael Bay has done. He has taken a toy and made it a multi-million dollar piece of pop culture. Think about that for a second. Bay did to a toy what Jerry Bruckheimer did to a ride at Disney. Granted, the Pirates movies had actual stories to them (well 1 and 3 did, haven’t seen 4).

  14. I never get why people bitch about these films. What do you expect? Their huge cars and crap kicking the shit out of each other. It’s a bay film, there’s no substance here. Just find a dumb ass girl to look pretty, big explosions and your got your self a would be sci-fi film made for bros. this is not made for the writing, its made to make money. you know it, i know it and anything with have a mind knows it. don’t think other wise.

  15. i went to watch it last night and seriously i was expecting much less of the movie…i really like the effects and the action scenes but as everyone else the characters and the story were crappy…Rosie Huntington-Whitely shes hot and everything but she cant act for sh*t and she looks kinda dumb…that guy from the hangover didnt make laugh at all it made me feel like i was watching one of those dumb movies the ones you talk about in your post about comedians…in conclusion the only reason i would watch it again is to watch robot killing and Huntington-Whitely butt at the beggining…

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