This Is Why We Can’t Be Friends
We tend to like people more if they like the same things we do, to a degree that’s usually inversely proportional to the ubiquity of the thing in question. What I mean by the second part of that convoluted opening sentence is that I’m not going to form a deep, emotional bond over the fact that we both like pizza. But maybe you meet a girl at a party, and then you see her the next day reading American Gods and listening to Ted Leo – well, maybe you melt just a tiny bit, because f-yeah, that’s awesome. She gets me, you think.
It’s interesting how we use pop culture as a touchstone. If I paint you a picture of a man who lists his favorite show as Duck Dynasty, doesn’t it also make sense that he likes NASCAR and Hooters? And aren’t you kind of honing in on some kind of mental picture already, without knowing any actual personal details about him? What a fat, sloppy loser. Let’s go ahead and make fun of him. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t even exist. But you know what does exist? This article, which is about how we use pieces of pop culture to judge people. Okay, so that segue was not the most elegant thing ever written. But you know what is? This article, which you should read immediately.
Me failing at both segues and homophones. You might say that I’m homophonbic.
So, cultural touchstones. Picture the following scene, which actually happened to me: You’re at a friend’s engagement party. You know maybe 20% of the people there, but nonetheless you get into a group conversation about movies. You make some very salient points about the evolution of bad guys in movies and how they mirror the cultural fears of the day. Someone mentions vampires and how they fit in. You start talking about the various attributes of vampires and how they reflect a traditional or conservative society’s fear of liberalism, and after a few seconds a girl cuts you off:
“No, that’s wrong. Vampires aren’t actually killed by stakes to the heart or crosses.” Her tone of voice was condescending, as if she were gently correcting a small child’s assertion that Vin Diesel was the first man on the moon. “Sunlight doesn’t bother them either. It just makes their skin kind of glitter.”
Yep. She took a rich literary and mythological history, all the way from Romanian folklore to Bram Stoker to Anne Rice, shoved it out the airlock, and said, “Nope, it’s Twilight. Just Twilight. You know, Twilight and Twilight and more Twilight.”
I don’t think I’ve ever had such a rapid deflation of my opinion of someone. It was like blast doors going down on the possibility of us becoming friends. Look, I know Twilight is an easy target, and I think it’s actually a fascinating topic to look at how and why it became the phenomenon it did despite its many flaws, but to take it that seriously, to unflinchingly and unapologetically put it forth as gospel just disqualifies you. From, take your pick. Being a real person? Knowing things about things and being able to talk about said things?
Hypothetical: A woman goes home with you and things progress to the point where you discover that she’s wearing these. You shut it down, right? 100% of you will say “yes.” But most of you are lying.
So there are examples, like the one above, where the fact that a person likes something means you’re pretty sure you’re not going to get along. But what about the more interesting version of that, the version where a piece of pop culture is so viscerally “you,” where you enjoy and appreciate in such a fundamental way that for a person to express negative feelings towards it is a dealbreaker. “If you don’t like X, then I’m pretty sure we can’t communicate on a meaningful level because you’re an alien.” A frequently seen version crops up in YouTube links a lot, something like “watch this video SOOO CUUUUTE if u dont like u don’t have a soul!!!” Well, crazy cat lady (all YouTube commentators are crazy cat ladies – true story), I happen to have a soul. It’s just a bitter, twisted soul that takes joy in other people’s misery. So there.
Onwards! I picked a TV show, a movie, a book, a piece of visual art, and a song. If you don’t like all 5, you’re not invited to my Sweet 16. Sound off in the comments below about Twilight, crazy cat ladies, and my worthless husk of a soul.
A book:
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (5-part trilogy), by Douglas Adams
Something I heard someone say about it once: “It’s just silly. It’s a bunch of people in space and one of them has two heads, and the writer keeps going off on tangents and it just makes no sense. Everyone has silly-sounding names. It’s like a kid’s book.”
My reaction: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS LIKE A KID’S BOOK. You…you… monster. You want to talk about no soul? You can’t be a person who smiles and makes jokes sometimes and gives your buddy a ride to the airport and not LIKE THIS BOOK. What, do you hate laughter? Here, HERE. Shut up, stop talking. Read this part – NO, STOP TALKING. Just read this, the first. damn. sentence. of Book 2, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:
The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Case closed.
A TV Show:
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Something I heard someone say about it once: “I couldn’t sit through ten minutes of it. The movie was really bad.”
My reaction: (Nuclear detonation)
Srsly, you guys. If you don’t like or don’t get MST3K, we won’t connect on any meaningful level. The crew is so good, so clever, that they can take a sentence that has no inherent humor, inject it into the exact right place, and make it funniest thing you’ve ever heard, a line so good you will be unable to control your laughter. (“You’re getting a lump of coal” from Space Mutiny, for example). If you can watch this clip without laughing out loud at least once, then congratulations on figuring out how to get on the internet, because you’re a zombie.
A movie:
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Something I heard someone say about it once: “(nothing)”. I’ve literally never heard anyone badmouth this movie. I had to pull a bad review off Rotten Tomatoes: “The final section, in which Indy must claim the Grail and save his father’s life, is imbued with a turgid, pop-mystical tone.”
My reaction: Reacting to a canned quote isn’t nearly as fun. I can’t work up the right amount of righteous indignation. Let’s try this: If you don’t like this movie, you don’t like fun. Or your idea of fun so far differs from mine that you might as well be some kind of robot designed to do something dastardly to spreadsheets. If you can’t get behind Harrison Ford and Sean Connery as adventure-seeking father and son archeologists, what exactly can you get behind? Idris Elba and Michael B. Jordan as a father/son detective agency in a gritty, darkly comedic TV adaptation of Encyclopedia Brown? I mean, yes, do that, they should make that show immediately, but my point still stands. (Honorable mention for movies that work as a cultural touchstones: Galaxy Quest, The Princess Bride)
A piece of music:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj_BbsOp7wY
*Yeah, not this version specifically, but YouTube has terrible sound quality anyway. And besides, I wouldn’t want to deprive you of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downy Jr . as the Pips, even if the sound quality is abysmal
Gladys Knight and the Pips – “Midnight Train to Georgia”
Something I heard someone say about it once: “Gladys Knight wasn’t that good of a singer, she just has a really powerful voice. The Pips don’t do anything, they just do synchronized dance moves and bland backup vocals.”
My reaction: HOW DARE YOU. I would give my left brain hemisphere to be a Pip, as long as the right brain hemisphere was the one in charge of being totally smooth and BACKING UP GLADYS FRICKIN’ KNIGHT. I dream of becoming a Pip. Going around the country, cracking wise with the other Pips, letting Gladys do the heavy lifting and coming up with cool new dance moves and chatting with TEH LADIES? You, sir, do not understand music.
A piece of visual art:
What this is, why it’s here: Self-explanatory.
Because I think not liking Calvin and Hobbes is probably the closest litmus test there is for not having a soul.
I suppose this seems less like an article about how “we” use pieces of pop culture to judge people, and more of one about how “you” use them. Though admittedly, most of these things are popular to the point where I doubt there’d be much vocal dissent, at least in geek circles.
One thing that concerns me, if I may indulge in a segue of my own, is the emphasis placed on “consensus” when it comes to this property or that one. I get there’s a tongue-in-cheek tone to all this, but it does seem to be a real feeling? At least for a lot of folks? It reminds me a bit of the way that (for lack of a better term) “bro” culture likes to say that certain actions should force you to “turn in your man card.”
I guess what I’m really saying here is that MST3K can suck it.
@David R: Yes, a list like this is by definition subjective rather than objective. Pretty much standard for a piece about popular culture. That’s why this filed under “Debate” and not “Objective Fact”.
My thought process was: OK, this is an interesting phenomenon, because this is something we actually do (have our opinions change about people based not just on their actions and words, but on their preferences to things that have nothing to do with us).
So, what are the most powerful of those things? (implicitly, for me. Because again, there’s no way to write this objectively) Why don’t I write about it, and see what pieces of pop culture other people use as touchstones? That would be interesting.
There’s no emphasis on consensus. If I wanted to write the boring version of this article, I could have made that clearer and said, “well, here’s what I think, but there are many of valid opinions. I’m sure there are plenty of fine, upstanding citizens who don’t care for The West Wing.” While that’s certainly true – there’s no value judgment, just a difference of opinions – it hardly matters. Because my thesis is that if you and I have vastly different opinions on these cultural touchstones, we’re not going to click.
If you actually don’t like MST3K (I couldn’t tell based on your tone if that was sarcasm or not. If it was, it was pretty mood-whiplashy), then I think you’ve actually proven my point pretty well. There was obviously a pretty big disconnect between the tone and voice I was striving for and what apparently came across to you. There’s no value judgment there; not every person is going to like every thing. Live and let live. But that disconnect was predicted by your indifference or outright dislike of one of my cultural touchstones.
Also, pointing out that the things I chose wouldn’t have much vocal dissent in “geek circles” is doing exactly what I talked about in the first two paragraphs. Again, not a bad thing, at all. It’s something we do. But it’s interesting. And that’s why I wanted to write about it.
I think I’ve become confused as to what the aim of this piece actually was. The way it read (to me, at least) is that you articulated a true observation about the geek community — that most of us make value judgments based on the way people feel about certain key things — but then sorta… just did that some more. Subjective value judgements, but judgements all the same.
I guess I would expect something a bit more self-reflexive, or at least a bit more of what you feel liking or disliking these things says about someone. Is it really that important whether or not Adams’s writing style clicks with somebody else? If so, why? Or are you saying it is, but it shouldn’t be? Or are you saying it isn’t, but skewering the people who think otherwise? Or something else?
This reminds me of the scene in Hi Fidelity where Rob is talking about his date with Marie De Salle.
“…I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like… Books, records, films — these things matter. Call me shallow but it’s the fuckin’ truth, and by this measure I was having one of the best dates of my life.”
This points towards the idea of a compatible ‘sense of life’ between people. If you interpret films, books, etc. in the same way, then you probably have similar views in more important areas such as philosophy, morality, ethics.
It is a quick way to gauge a person’s ‘sense of life’ without getting into a heavy philosophical debate. It doesn’t always work, but like trusting your gut, it is usually pretty accurate.
Oh, and by the way. Based on your above list, we could be good friends. 🙂
I just want to say that I love Duck Dynasty and don’t like NASCAR or Hooters
🙂
Neat piece though. It definitely helps to bond with someone when you have similar interests although ultimately, for a person to be a “real” friend it eventually has to go beyond that. Still, it helps a lot. I’m still looking for some Risk buddies, I can’t tell you how disappointing it is that I can’t meet anyone who likes that game as much as I do. I keep telling my wife, “I’ll take friends that enjoy video games or friends that enjoy board games, I don’t care which, I just need one or the other” 🙂
@Indy, it’s official, we can be internet friends. Excellent.
I actually know someone who doesn’t like Galaxy Quest & The Princess Bride. If I had to list my five pieces it would be
Book: Calvin and Hobbes Anthology (That counts right?)
TV Show: Community (Anytime someone says this show is stupid I cut the conversation and leave)
Movie: High Fidelity
Song: Bohemian Rhapsody
Piece of Visual Art: I’m going to piggyback and agree with your choice.
I freaking love this article. Thanks for that. I’m personally pretty flexible when it comes to peoples’ taste pop culture. My wife hates Rush and loves the Black-Eyed Peas, for example. But goddamn, that Twilight one would wreck me. It’s one thing to like something that sucks, but to dismiss centuries of collective vampire lore and fiction because some borderline illiterate dope wrote a book of Mormon propaganda disguised as tween vampire romance…..FFFFFUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
@David- Lighten up some. This was clearly written for entertainment purposes and while there is obviously a lot of truth in it regarding to the author’s perspective, there is definitely some hyberbole going on for comedic purposes. Also, MST3K rules your mom. That is all.
@David R – Don’t over-think it. Entertainment was the point. I will say that I don’t think the phenomenon I’m talking about is limited to the “geek community”. The self-reflexive part is a different article, probably for a different site.
If you’re really looking for a point, it’s this: having identified the fact that we all do this (use pieces of pop culture to empathize with and/or judge people), why are some more potent than others? It’s not just a function of how much we like something personally, or that thing’s popularity in and of itself. For example, Friends was wildly popular. I wouldn’t think differently about a person who loved it or hated it. It’s kind of neutral, inoffensive.
One of my favorite pieces of writing of all time is Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, by Tom Stoppard. I think it’s utterly brilliant and wildly funny. But it’s not for everyone. You have to really love language for its own sake. It helps if you have an appreciation of Hamlet. It helps if you know something about commedia dell’arte. If someone told me they didn’t care for R&G, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. On the other hand, I can’t imagine a person who really despised Calvin and Hobbes would be a person I could have any kind of meaningful conversation with – because it’s a touchstone. There’s something different about it. What is that thing? The article was about setting up examples to look at (and debating them, naturally). If you want to speculate about what that ‘thing’ is, that’s a different article. Worthy of discussion, absolutely, but beyond the scope of what I was trying to do.
@Chris – Yes! That’s a perfect quote. And your summation – “It is a quick way to gauge a person’s ‘sense of life’ without getting into a heavy philosophical debate. It doesn’t always work, but like trusting your gut, it is usually pretty accurate.” – is excellent. I agree completely. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Would have liked to. I think we’ll get along just fine 🙂
@J. Morales – Ah, but is Duck Dynasty your FAVORITE show? (If it is, you must be flawed in other ways than liking NASCAR or Hooters. It’s just science.) Also, I agree that you need more than pop culture touchstones to have a meaningful friendship. They’re more like bridges. They get you in the door, but it takes something more meaningful to make a real friend. Absolutely.
@Corey – Excellent indeed. I’m glad I have at least one person signed up for my Sweet 16.
@alex – Galaxy Quest I buy – I mean, it’s incredibly good but some people can’t get past the inherent silliness – but Princess Bride? Wow, please introduce me to that person. Did they come into this world as the 45-year old Regional Manager for Midwestern Accounts? Did they not have a childhood or something?
Oh, and I’m totally with you on Community. The only problem is getting people to give it a chance. It takes a few episodes to set up the characters well enough to start building up a library for self-referential humor and metahumor. That’s when it gets really good.
@Nick – I’m really not being all that angsty. This article just hit me near a slightly different but related issue I’ve been turning over in my head a lot lately. Something something something the territorial nature of fandom and overemphasis on agreement. I get that there’s an entertaining quality to this sort of thing for a lot of people but the hyperbole often seems to mask real feelings to me — again, I’m meaning a lot of this broadly and not specifically aiming for at anybody here.
At the risk of overstating my case, Twilight was clearly written for entertainment purposes, too. Not saying the two pieces are equivalent. At all. AT ALL, INDY.
Maybe Amazon or Netflix should open a dating service or social network. Based on your interest in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade you might also like Indy Zoeller. People who purchased The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy book 3 also friended Indy Zoeller.
I base all my friendships on skin color and views on wind power as a renewable energy source. So we all have our shortcuts to determine compatibility.
True story…I told my now-husband when we were dating that I couldn’t marry someone who didn’t know the number 42. I made him read HHGTTG with me.
Good article. I think people who like the same things often share the same sensibilities, the same sense of humor. The more offbeat, the better, because it’s more rare and you’re like “Finally, someone who will get me.” I read somewhere that an appreciation for a certain thing is incomplete until you’ve had the experience of sharing that appreciation with other people in community. We maximize our enjoyment by rehashing, analyzing and yes, nitpicking along with other people.
What about for people like me whose tastes are just way too out there? By “out there,” I mean obscure or esoteric, not extreme or, umm… deviant. Then again, the obscurity of my preferences is relative to the culture I live in (I’m from the Philippines)…
Case in point: my five pieces:
Book: Newsflesh Trilogy by Mira Grant/Madeline Dare series by Cornelia Read
TV Show: Firefly (Seriously. Everyone I know watches The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, but much to my annoyance, almost nobody knows Firefly here.)
Movie: Elizabethtown
Song: Another Version of Pop Song – Rose Elinor Dougall (Well, in this case, I intentionally went as far away from the mainstream as I possibly could. But I’m really glad I did.)
Piece of Visual Art: .can’t think of anything here…
@uriel – I don’t consider the fact that I’m not familiar with something a person really likes intimately to be a ‘dealbreaker.’ Rather, it can be fertile ground for a great discussion. For example, I’ve never heard of the Newsflesh or Madeline Dare series, but based on the fact that you like Firefly, I’m going to check them out. See how this work? 🙂