My Epic Battle with Apple in Order to Play Infinity Blade

Today, I began the quest to play Infinity Blade on my iPhone. I’d heard a lot of good things about the game, and was curious to see the excellent graphics for myself, so I figured I’d give it a download. I did not expect my greatest foe to be one I encountered before I even got the game, Apple. But they were determined to make my life hell, and I’ve been locked in an epic struggle with them for hours now.

Below is a timeline of the events that followed, and an arduous saga I’m shocked still exists in this day and age of technology. Isn’t Apple the company that’s supposed to make things simpler, hence why they hate buttons and Adobe so much? Why then, is it an frustrating, perilous quest for ME to give THEM money?

FRIDAY

12:58 PM – Go to App Store, find Infinity Blade, hit download. Informed I need to update my iPhone operating system to play it.

1:01 – Load up iTunes, plug in phone, which starts autosyncing. Cancel that and hit “Update” to get the new operating system. Informed that I need iTunes version 10.1 in order to update the operating system.

1:08 – Download 94 MB iTunes files after unchecking extraneous download boxes for Quicktime, Safari and something else I forget. The package I have checked STILL says iTunes + Quicktime, but there’s no way around that apparently.

1:11 – File complete and installed, but need to reboot my computer to make the download official for unknown reasons.

1:15 – Computer boots up and loads iTunes at last. Hit “Update.” Says that to upgrade to new OS, need to backup my iPhone.

1:51 – The backup my iPhone bar looks like this:

Yes, this is a full 35 minutes later. Was told this process will take “an hour or more.” Will probably need to cancel seeing as I will probably need to use my phone sometime before tomorrow, and apparently, backing up cannot be done while the phone is in use.

1:58 – Just got a phone call which I had to answer. The back up bar is still onscreen, but my phone no longer says its syncing. Can’t tell if the progress bar is even moving because it’s going so slowly. I guess I’ll check back in half an hour.

2:10 – Googling how to make your iPhone backup times shorter. Tried one where you click on “Reset warnings” after right clicking on your phone in iTunes, in order to stop sending Apple Crash reports (which take forever). Nothing at all happens when I click the option.

2:18 – Reading the OS 4 updates notoriously take forever, and they’re best done overnight. IĀ  JUST WANT TO PLAY THIS DAMN GAME!

3:26 – I need to go somewhere, I can’t leave my damn phone here as I you know, need to contact people. I guess I’ll have to try and back it up overnight, though at its current pace I doubt it will even be done by the morning.

1:35 AM – Alright, bed time. Plug in iPhone, iTunes crashes twice before it recognizes my iPhone. Finally works, and we’re way. The bar is crawling at a pixel a every ten minutes or something like that. Goodnight.

So close.

SATURDAY

10:05 AM – OK, things appear to be normal, and my iPhone is now running OS 4. Only 24 hours after I wanted it to, OK then. Now to head to the Apple Store and get that damn game.

10:13Ā  – “This game requires a processor that you don’t have, and is only compatible with the iPhone 4.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST SAY THAT AT THE BEGINNING!?!

THURSDAY

Got an iPhone 4. Not because of this game, but because it’s Christmas and my mom wanted my old iPhone if I was getting a new one. Also, my vibrate switch broke off on the side, and you have to put it on silent using your fingernail now. This feels like a worthwhile investment.

FRIDAY

So at LONG LAST I managed to download Infinity Blade for $6 despite Apple’s best efforts, and I will say that it’s in the running against Plants vs. Zombies for the best iPhone game ever.

It’s absolutely gorgeous, as Epic figured out how to make the Unreal Engine work convincingly on the iPhone. I hear they’re licensing this technology, and hopefully soon all iPhone games will be this beautiful.

As for the game itself? It’s a lot of fun. You work your way through a castle, fighting bad guys one on one using your fingers to block, dodge, parry and strike. It’s not perfect, and the button areas can be a bit small resulting in numerous cock-ups, but it’s generally very fluid and easy to get a hang of.

Also any game with XP leveling and no turn based combat is automatically addicting to me, so I’m currently on about my eighth playthrough, trying to unlock all the cool armor and weapons. It’s an interesting plot mechanic to have your character keep dying and then next time come back as your son to avenge your death. Not necessary, but interesting nonetheless.

Epic is planning to add more content for the game shortly, and I will say that if you have an iPhone, it;s $6 well spent. Just make sure your damn phone can play it before you get excited.

Similar Posts

8 Comments

  1. … I’ve been playing it with no problems on my 3GS for the past two weeks. I install the updates as they come though, so I didn’t have to wait for the 4.0 update this time.

  2. All-American Rejects? It took balls to post that pic, sir. Apple can suck it. My batterry died on my iPod and I went to the Apple store out of town to ask how much a replacement would be and they told me I needed an appointment at the “genus bar” in their obnoxiously utopian store full of 12 year olds playing on their computers in the mall just to ASK about it. Nobody told Steve Jobs that pretentiousness is not a great marketing strategy. I’d rather do without an iPod altogether than make an appointment in a mall just to ask the most basic of questions

  3. So because you use outdated software and hardware that’s not even compatible with this game, you feel its Apples problem?? Why not just make a shitter game that will work with ur shitty phone, old OS, and old iTunes..? IDK I’m not a developer. U fail kid.

    And so you know the people who designed the game receive most of the cash, not Apple. Dont like Apple? Dont use their shit. I dont.

  4. @zero
    Well, you can have your liberty or death, but you know what you can’t have?… Infinity Blade šŸ™‚

    Nah, but yeah, dealing with Apple constantly updated products is hell. I’m still running OS 4.0 on an iPod Touch 3G, but thankfully Infinity Blade works on it šŸ™‚

  5. Any fan of the Dead Rising series will love this DLC prequel to Dead Rising 2,
    and XBOX exclusive. They’ve learned from their high priced mistake of PS3. Per the app guideline you have twice the amount of time to harvest something as it takes for it to grow. No actual gameplay was shown and no release date was given. This must-buy for any Beatles fans easily deserves the 3rd spot on this list.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.