Five Robots Who are Better People Than I Am

It is no secret to most people who know me that I can sometimes be a horrible human being. Maybe it’s for the sake of writing or comedy, or maybe it’s just to push my own personal agenda. We can’t be sure.

But am I a better person than a robot? Surely I’m better than a pile of rust and metal. Apparently not.

5. Astro Boy

Created to fill the void left by the death of a scientist’s son and subsequently abandoned, Astro Boy became a hero. He is notorious for fighting robot-hating humans, haywire robots, and alien invaders. He’s like the metallic version of Superman minus the Kryptonite allergy.

If I had super powers, I would totally fight crime. Hell, if I had decent physical coordination, I might even go all Kick-Ass or Super on the bastards. But, if I’m completely honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way. I’d show off and probably post videos of me showing off to YouTube and stuff.

4. Iron Giant

The Iron Giant crash landed on Earth from somewhere off in space. When the military discovers something that could potentially crush them, they automatically label it a threat and try to destroy it. The Iron Giant turns on the military when it believes an unconscious child to be dead, but is eventually calmed down. Some douche bag orders a missile strike on the Iron Giant, which will kill everyone in the area. The Iron Giant intercepts the missile and is destroyed, saving everyone.

Humans are stupid, stupid creatures. We fear what we don’t understand and try to destroy it. I want to say I would do what the Iron Giant did, but I couldn’t make any promises. I’d at least snatch up some of the people who were trying to kill me and take them out with me.

3. Jarvis

So, I guess he’s not really a robot, but whatever. This is my article. In the Avengers universe, Jarvis is the Alfred to Tony Stark’s Bruce Wayne. Except he’s a computer. And Pepper serves Tony breakfast. If he’s up for breakfast, which he probably isn’t.

Jarvis puts up with all of Tony’s shit. He’s there to warn Tony not to do things he’s going to do anyway. If I were Jarvis, I would just take a back seat and let Tony do whatever he’s going to do and keep my mouth shut until we run out of power, get caught in a free fall, and only have enough energy left for me to mutter the words “Told you so.”

2. Optimus Prime

The Transformers are a little different than some of these others as they are actually biological life forms. But, I mean, come on—they’re giant robots. Optimus Prime recognizes that humankind isn’t as evolved as the transformers are, and so he is able to rationalize their irrationality. He (sort of) keeps his word with the humans, refrains from aggression against them, and leaves when asked. He’s good guy Optimus. But he does know better than they do, and he is ready to defend them when the time comes.

If I had no stake in the fate of the inferior species, I would probably have happily said a few choice words that begin with the letter “F” and kindly flew my ass back to whatever was left of the place I came from.

1. Android No. 16

Created by Dr. Gero of the former Red Ribbon Army, 16 had only a single mission: Kill Goku. See, Gero was obsessed with killing Goku after Goku, as a child, singlehandedly decimated the world-feared Red Ribbon Army. This is evident in the number of androids Dr. Gero sent after Goku and the other Z Fighters.

In the end, No. 16, a true android (not a cyborg like Nos. 17 and 18) abandoned his mission to destroy Goku and banded with the Z Fighters to take down Cell. In a tragic turn of events, No. 16 saw the only way to end Cell’s rampage was to self-destruct and take Cell with him. But his explosives had been removed when he was repaired by Bulma’s father. Cell mercilessly destroyed him, but not before he told Gohan to let go, kill Cell, and save the world.

And with that, No. 16 left the world, and Gohan was able to destroy Dr. Gero’s ultimate creation. But not before getting cocky and letting Trunks and Vegeta get seriously injured. Oh, and letting Goku die.

So, No. 16 sort of fulfilled his mission. I’m going to need to dedicate an entire article to that (if someone else somewhere hasn’t done it already…).

Self-destruction by means of explosions just seems really unpleasant, so I probably would not have done that…