Five Reality TV Shows that Should Have Stuck Closer to Their Titles
4) Don’t Tell the Bride
The original premise
“What happens when you give a cash-strapped couple $25,000 to create their dream wedding? A lot of drama when the bride and groom are separated three weeks leading up to the nuptials, and the groom must plan the wedding with no help from his fiancée!
The bride won’t see the invitation until it arrives in the mail, she’ll try on her dress just prior to walking down the aisle, and will see the reception for the first time with the other guests. Don’t Tell the Bride, narrated by Caroline Rhea, promises tantrums and tears of joy before the ‘big day’ is done.”
If there’s one thing I specifically loathe about reality shows, it’s when producers deliberately set up their contestants for failure. DTtB’s creators are pretty up front with their intentions, I’ll give them that. But seriously, take a look at the bios for some of these couples. Hmm, put a struggling musician/slacker/mama’s boy in complete control of pulling off the perfect wedding? What could go wrong?
But with me in charge…
KISS, baby, KISS. Sure, let’s give those cash-strapped couples $25,000 for their dream wedding, “no strings attached.” And just before the bride walks down the aisle, a surprise celebrity guest (Cher? Gary Busey? Who cares?) arrives to offer their blessing on life’s next grand journey. And also a hug. During said hug, the celebrity would discretely—yet securely—affix a PSA to the bride’s back that said, “Remember kids: some VDs are for life.” Here’s the catch: there are no mirrors whatsoever at the church or wedding reception, and every single person in attendance has been sworn to secrecy in advance. The bride learns about this incredibly immature prank at the end of each episode when her irreplaceable wedding photos arrive in the mail. If you’re going to set a ticking time bomb, you may as well make the explosion worthwhile. That’s what I say.
5) Pit Bulls and Parolees
The original premise
“Follow the turbulent drama and bittersweet moments of Tia Torres, her family and her crew of ex-convicts as they come together to rescue and rehabilitate abused and abandoned pit bulls.”
Wow, talk about false advertising. I’ll admit this is an admirable concept all around, and the protagonists themselves deserve high praise, but when a show promises me the dynamic duo of pit bulls and ex-cons, the last thing I want to see is an amicable relationship between the two.
But with me in charge…
Desperation equals motivation, my friend. Select inmates are given a shot at reduced prison sentences by competing in a 100-yard dash—while being chased by highly trained pit bulls. Each convict gets a pair of brand-new cross-trainers, one month of training time, and a three-second head start. Whoever places first with zero blood loss gets parole and a full-time job that pays $18.50 an hour. Oh, and I guess the show could be sponsored by sneakers or something.
Nike. Get bit or go home.
“And here’s the worst part: if I met some Hollywood hotshot who offered me a spot in the next season of The Bachelorette or whatever, I’d hypocritically snatch it up in a heartbeat to put my own stupid face on TV for a few minutes. I hate myself for this.”
This may be the deepest, truest and most revealingly personal thing you’ve ever written on this site, Paul. It was also very LOL, because this is precisely how I feel. Kudos to you, sir, for being honest without fear.
@Dc
TJ, not me. Kudos to him, haha.
Thanks @D.C.!
I also don’t watch shows with the same title words you mentioned. I feel like any day now The Learning Channel will become The Reality Channel since most of their programming has moved to that type of show. I will admit however that I am a fan of Sons of Guns on Discovery. The focus of the show is mostly on the guns they build/rebuild/design/and ultimately fire. It’s a good group of people that I think are fun to watch. Other than that show however I can’t stand reality programming. My vote for the man vs. beast and bad sex remakes. Those would probably make me crawl back.
What, you don’t like Real Life Celebrity Extreme Teen Pregnant Wives Love Kardashian Shore?
Okay I could have done better there… lol I don’t like reality TV at all. But don’t diss The Most Extreme just cuz it has “Extreme” in the title. That show is still cool.
Your planned restructuring of ‘Pitbulls and Parolees’ does nothing more than feed into the negative stereotypes surrounding this much maligned breed.
I’m not saying the original show is any good- I believe their adoption rate is something like 4 dogs per month, while they seize or take in over 100 dogs per year. However, I think it’s shady and irresponsible to glorify the breeds’ aggressive history.
Mr Fink, as a faux Animal Planet TV executive, you can do better.
Funnier, smarter, more socially responsible….
Ignore your friend, I think this list is awesome 😀 Just one thing though- “-and for spending money, they’d take turns working as a physician’s assistant at the local methadone clinic.” As a physician assistant student, I’d like to point out that we are required to undergo 3 years of grad school, a comprehensive certification exam, and to obtain a medical license. We’re fully qualified medical professionals, not just some medical assistants that hand over the gauze to the physician. The teens would need to go to grad school first.
@Lindsay
Heyo! True, healthcare is a challenging career path; I once dated a nurse. But how many kids are in your classes with net worths pushing $5 million? Not many, is my [completely uninformed] guess. And to give you an idea of my writing process, the sentence you cite is specifically a product of the Google search, “what kind of jobs are at methadone clinics?”
I just wrote this long ass comment about Men vs Beast and lost it because I didn’t include my mail. But basically I was thinking we should release a possum on the uptown A C E train.
@Jude Destin
Done and done!