When you’re a kid, old people are pretty lame. They’re slow, they don’t smell like the rest of us, and some of them are related to you. But here’s the lamest part: while you grew taller and wider and hairier, your grandpa stayed pretty much the same the whole time. (Seriously, he couldn’t even beat me at street soccer throughout my entire high school career. Not once.)
Know what would have been way better? A whole tag team of grandpas for different eras of my childhood, bringing something new and awesome to the table as I evolved from a boy to a ma—well, a taller person. Growing up would have kicked so much more ass with these gentlemen as my familial elders…
Age 1 – 7: Dr. Nefario from Despicable Me
This entry speaks for itself. I’ve been in my 20s for a while now, but rest assured that my life would be complete if I could fly around NYC with a fart gun in hand. Five-year-old me would have lost his damn mind on Christmas morning.
Age 8 – 14: Captain Hook from Hook
That is a ten-year-old boy high-fiving Captain Hook after hitting a home at a baseball game against pirates. If you’re a young American male, that’s an afternoon that can’t be topped.
Age 15 – 18: Jack Horner from Boogie Nights
“What does my dad do? Oh, you know, he directs pornography.” This phrase would make me the coolest cat in the whole school. Or the creepiest. Maybe both.
Age 19+: Grandpa Gustafson from Grumpy Old Men
This is the brand of grandpa I’m old enough to appreciate; there are few things in this world I love more than bacon, beer, and expletive-laced complaints. This guys gets me.