Assembling the Perfect TV Family

So it’s true that I have probably the best family anyone could ever ask for. I mean after all, I do this for a living, and they’re my biggest cheerleaders.

But if I had to do it all over again and assemble and entirely NEW family using only TV characters?  This is who I would choose. I tried to make most of my selections match up with what role that character actually played on their show, but sometimes it gets a bit screwed up.

Check out my fictional dream family below, and feel free to post your own roster in the comments.

Dad – Jonathan Kent (Smallville)

The man who gives Superman his unshakeable moral compass must be one hell of a father. After watching Jonathan Kent in Smallville for season after season, he would make a great head of household for even non-superhuman children.

Mom – Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights)

She may only have one daughter, but Tami plays mom to an entire high school of kids, first as a guidance counselor and then as a principle on Friday Night Lights. There are many TV moms that are the foundations of their fictional families, but I think she deserves the top spot.

Older Brother – Gob Bluth (Arrested Development)

Worried about your older brother impressing your folks and becoming an impossible to live up to role model? Well you won’t have to deal with that with Gob as your big bro. His only skills are magic and ventriloquism (barely), and the propensity to loudly appraise the price of a fine suit.

Younger Brother – Dewey (Malcolm in the Middle)

Fun fact, in looking up Dewey for this post, I found that the family from Malcolm in the Middle never actually had a last name. He’s crazy, fun and everything you’d want in a little brother. Until he grew up and it got awkward.

Uncle – Jack Bauer (24)

Tell me if you were ever in a jam, you wouldn’t want Uncle Jack to come in and take care of things for you. Bullied at school? They’ll be in a prison camp in Shanghai by tomorrow. Soccer coach not playing you enough? Maybe he’ll be more receptive with a bullet in his kneecap. Wow, this escalated quickly. And yeah, he is an uncle. Remember season six with his idiot terrorist brother and his kid who was clearly Jack’s kid but they never brought that up again?

Aunt – Aunt Bee (The Andy Griffith Show)

You know, I can’t really even remember many TV aunts besides Bee. And yes, I remember Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince, but she was more or less the mother role. I bet Aunt Bee has some delicious cooking. No, this role does not mean she needs to be married to Uncle Jack.

Older sister – Monica Geller (Friends)

Alright, so technically on the show she was Ross’s YOUNGER sister, but she’s older than me so whatever. You might think she’s OCD and crazy, but all that tells me is that my place would be spotless at all times no matter what I did due to her inability to control herself cleaning.

Younger Sister – Michelle Tanner (Full House)

Being this cute, she might be kind of an attention hog, but Michelle Tanner was literally one of the most adorable human beings to ever appear on television, and I certainly wouldn’t mind her as my little sister. She’d be like the ultimate wingman in the park. “Go give that girl my number.” “You got it dude!”

Grandma – Malory Archer (Archer)

Yes, she may be a borderline sociopath, but she runs an entire SPY agency, so that’s pretty cool. Also, you would never be out of liquor when you went to visit. Cons: She may try to have you killed, and you may at some point see a sex tape starring her.

Grandpa – William Adama (Battlestar Galactica)

A strong leader, and a comforting presence in times of trouble, he might not have been a grandpa on the show, but I’d sure want him as mine. Plus, he has his own freaking spaceship. He will probably fear technology even more than most grandparents though.

Mother-in-Law – Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Modern Family)

Making every pool-side family gathering a must-attend event.


Similar Posts


  1. In train of Andy D’s thought. River Tam as my younger sis, she’d kick ass when I’m in danger, but normal circumstances I’d get to play big brother protector. And Malcolm Reynolds as my older bro, enough said.

  2. You want an overly aggressive asshole like Jack in your family? Just so he can deal with YOUR problems? Paul, you need to sack up, and please, stop disgracing yourself, people lose respect for someone when they read stuff like that.

  3. Simon Tam by far the best brother

    And while Tami is not bad come on. ….you know she got nothing on Lois from Malcolm in the Middle. If Julie started pulling any of this crap with Lois….well you can imagine

    Jack O’Neill from SG-1 would make an awesome dad

    Samantha Carter also from SG-1 would make the coolest mom. I mean come on a genius who likes to blow up stuff and race with bikes?

    Jessi from Kyle XY would make a great bigger sister: A super genius who will make you wish you were dead when tutoring you but also she is ready and quite capable of wiping out anybody who is a treat to you

    Pam from True Blood would be an awesome aunt. Come on tell me you wouldn’t love it

    Jessica from True Blood would make a great little sister

    Madeline from La Femme Nikita would be a good and incredibly scary grandmother. You just know she would keep the whole family in line

  4. @ Anon

    Oh I’m sorry, was Jack too overly aggressive when protecting your freedom?

    If you don’t want Bauer in your family, you’re clearly terrible at life.

  5. Chi, I don’t give a flying fuck if America gets burned to the ground.

    I’ll tell you what though – my father is similar to Jack Bauer and I assure you, having an aggressive hotheaded Senior Officer around you when you’re a teenager ain’t fun, and the last thing you want, when you have a problem is him helping you with it. Having someone like that in the family creates a generally explosive atmosphere, which often makes a family quite dysfunctional.

    And no, you definitely don’t want him solving your problems, or you will always be in his shadow.

    By the way, Jack Bauer is a fictional character, my father is not and has one hell of a punch.

  6. Lol at Anon E. Moose. This is a comment thread on a article about fictional characters and how their particular traits would be handy to have in a Familiar situation. We are in no way able to help with your deep seeded daddy issues.

    I mostly just wanted to comment to protect the honour of Jack Bauer, who fans of 24 know would never hurt his family and would in fact go out of his way to torture somebody else to protect them. Freedom isn’t free, LDO.

  7. As much as i love Aunt Bee, I’d have to say Jackie from Roseanne would be a better aunt no? She’s HILARIOUS and everyone goes to stay with her with they want to get out of the house..

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.