Unreal Movie Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Sometimes it’s better just to stay down.

I wanted to give it a chance, I really did. I walked into Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with a wide-open mind. If the film just managed to be watchable and as mindless and fun as the first, I was alright with a few hours of robots crashing into each other. I only wanted to escape with my sensibilities unoffended, but unfortunately, that wasn’t in the cards.

There is just so much badness crammed into Transformers 2, you’re thanking God by the end it’s only two and a half hours instead of the four it could have easily been. Though it’s roughly the same cast of characters as the first film, Revenge of the Fallen somehow makes the original Transformers look like The Godfather.

But where are we? Well, after his intergalactic robot war, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is going to college. He plans on maintaining a long distance relationship with his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox), who is now busy working on motorcycles wearing very short shorts. Sam’s college plans mean leaving his car/guardian Bumblebee at home, a decision the yellow Camaro is none too pleased about.

These plans are soon thwarted when Deceptions star popping up around the globe and blowing crap up, and the current alliance between the military and the Autobots isn’t strong enough to stop them. Sam once again becomes the center of intergalactic war as it’s discovered that his brain posses an ancient secret which is the key to the continued existence of the transforming race.

Eventually Sam has to get to Egypt to stop Megatron’s boss, the Fallen, from blowing up the sun (literally) with a giant gun hidden in the pyramids (seriously) but first he needs a key that is inside a bunch of Autobots that have been group hugging for thousands of years (can’t make this up). The journey to the desert involves setting the world record for most explosions ever seen in a movie, gratuitous slow motion shots of obscenely hot girls and plenty of awkward humor which is neither wanted nor humorous.

Now run for me!

See, Michael Bay, I just summed up your entire movie in three paragraphs, so tell me you couldn’t have cut a full hour of this film. Transformers 2 is so long and so intense with its endless barrage of giant robot kung-fu fights and mechanical sexual innuendo, it’s a physically exhausting ordeal to sit through the entire thing. But unlike the first film, which is at least entertaining, the sequel is decidedly not worth the effort, and honestly it’s the closest I’ve come to walking out of a movie in years.

So what went wrong? Where to start. First any humor the first film managed to muster during scenes where nothing was exploding is simply gone. Lord knows the movie tries, but the “comic situations” are so needless and unfunny, that it would have been better just to loop jokes from the previous film.

Sam’s mom eating pot brownies and running around campus on a drug trip? Not funny. Two dogs getting it on and a robot humping Megan Fox’s leg for no other reason than “humping” is inherently supposed to be hilarious? Not funny. An Egyptian guard at a checkpoint who for literally no reason at all is two feet tall? Not funny. The “comic relief” twin robots who appear to be voiced by Kat Williams sipping helium and are 60% annoying and 40% plain offensive (one has a damn gold tooth)? Not funny.

Behold, the world’s first robotic minstrel show!

As you can see, I could go on for some time. I’m hard pressed to find even one moment of humor that works in the movie. The only time I can think of is when I started laughing out loud when there are three separate shots in under five minutes of Megan Fox’s boobs bouncing in slow motion as she tries to outrun various explosions. Stay classy Michael Bay.

In addition to the comedy falling flat, the action, what we all came to see is more muddled than ever. There are far too many robots to even keep track of this time, and each side gets a ton of new soldiers presumably to show Chevy’s entire new lineup for 2010. There are a few well executed fight scenes, and visual effects are obviously the film’s (only) strong suit, but between the fights are massive plot holes that should disappoint anyone who actually came in expecting a halfway thought out story (which I assume is a very small percentage of people). Say what you will about the first one, but it did make moderate sense, and wasn’t a chore to follow.

There are too many story issues to list here (They’ve covered up giant citywide robot fights how? Transformers can now teleport? The ancient one is disguised as a modern day blackbird jet? The chief bad guy has been just sitting on Saturn waiting for Optimus Prime to die?), but the most egregious violation is the presence of Isabel Lucas as Alice, who (spoilers, if you’re dumb) turns out to be a Decepticon spy and a Transformer herself, violating every rule of the franchise. If Transformers can all of a sudden look human, then now we’re in the sci-fi world of Terminator and Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica, and we’ve got much bigger problems on our hands. Furthermore, she serves no purpose in the film, and clearly was just cast so the movie had a backup in case anyone needed a break from only looking at Megan Fox.

Cylons should stay in Battlestar Galactica, however hot they may be.

The film, simply put, is a complete and utter mess, and is by far the shiny, aluminum crown on a season of absolutely horrendous summer blockbusters. Beneath Terminator Salvation, lower than Wolverine, Revenge of the Fallen has nearly no redeeming qualities and its only accomplishment is its ability to somehow sink far beneath already low expectations.

I know it’s useless to say this as the film’s producers are currently bathing in the opening weekend’s cash, but DO NOT MAKE ANOTHER ONE. For the good of all mankind.

1 out of 5 stars

“I would put another explosion over there.” “I was actually thinking there.” “How about just the entire horizon?”