Unreal Movie Review: Cars 2

2 out of 5 stars

How do you judge the entertainment value of a kids’ movie?

It’s a question that is often raised when adults try to assess the quality of a film meant for children. How could we possibly judge what keeps a child entertained and makes them laugh?

But really, that argument doesn’t hold up. The fact is ANYTHING can make a kid laugh. While a child might love an all-ages masterpiece like Toy Story 3, they might have equal affection for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. Does that mean the two are of equal value? No, absolutely not.

Think back to when you were a little kid. Can you actually remember specifically NOT liking a show or movie? The fact is, a certain amount of flashy colors and funny voices will keep any kid ages 2 through 8 entertained, so movies cannot really be judged based on whether or not they please a child.

That brings me to Cars 2, a movie that now exists as a stain on Pixar’s legacy as a studio that simply does not make bad movies. To put it in terms relevant to the film, it’s like a fender dent on a Ferrari. Looking through their history, it’s incredible, most of their films have above a 95% critical review rating, surpassing most Oscar winners and genre classics. The fact that kids enjoy them is just a side effect, they are truly films for everyone, as they have mastered the mechanics of creative plot, overtly physical yet very smart comedy, and most important, all of their films have a real emotional center.

BFFs in a minor spat does not an emotional moment make.

But while that’s the case with almost all their films, Cars 2 is lacking in a number of areas. The first film was most people’s least favorite Pixar endeavor, but it was still considered pretty good in comparison to many other animated films. Major complaints stemmed from the fact that despite it being a racing movie, it was often slow paced, as the titular race car, Lightning McQueen, spent the majority of the film in one dusty city with a boot on his tire.

There was still a message to be found though, and the film had real emotional moments, like during the final race where Lightning sacrifices glory to help a legend complete his final race. Here in Cars 2, the action dial has been cranked up higher than any Pixar film before it, with massive environments and truckloads of chase and race scenes. But the problem is there’s no emotion, and barely even any laughter to be found throughout. It’s Pixar’s first unmitigated failure.

The plot is the least of its worries. The funniest bit of the entire film is actually its core concept. The lemon cars of the world have united to sabotage the World Grand Prix, an international event dedicated to the fastest, sleekest cars around, racing on a newly discovered alternative energy source called “Allinol.” In addition to embarrassing all the cool kid cars, their meddling makes Allinol look unsafe as cars flame out left and right, making the world want to revert back to gasoline. Fortunately, the lemon conglomerate has recently discovered a large untapped oil reserve, so if all goes according to plan, they’ll not only be vindicated from years of ridicule, but rich to boot.

I did sort of love these guys.

Lightning (Owen Wilson) is of course a part of the race, and spends his time dueling with rival Italian F1 car, Francisco Bernoulli (John Turturro). Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) is a long for the ride, but finds himself embroiled in a world of international espionage when he finds himself accidentally mistaken for an American secret agent by Brit spies Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) and Holly Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer). He stumbles his way through hi-tech gadgetry and death defying chases, and attempts to bring down the mystery car behind it all once he finally figures out what’s going on.

As Mater would say “There’s yer problem right there!” in the most stereotypical hillbilly accent he could muster. In Cars 2, he is in fact the star of the show, and rather than playing comic relief to Lightning’s story, the film centers on him, and practically him alone. Lightning is a mere background character, and aside from a few largely uneventful races around the world, contributes relatively little to the film.

It’s like making a Star Wars movie starring Jar Jar Binks in the headlining role. He was a bad enough character to begin with, but now you’re putting him on center stage and forcing him to bumble around with blasters and lightsabers as the premise of your film? And Mater is without a doubt Pixar’s Jar Jar, as he’s not only painfully unfunny, but borderline offensive. If any other racial group was rendered at this level of caricature, there’s no doubt many would be angry about it. Fortunately for Mater, and Larry the Cable Guy who voices him, the “redneck white trash” folk stereotyped here don’t get upset about that sort of thing, rather they seem to embrace it, as evidenced by the stand-up comedy success of Larry in non-tow truck form.

“Look at all dem purty lights! Yee-hah!”

The film’s only grasp at any sort of emotion is when Mater figures out that Lightning is embarrassed to be seen with him on the swanky international scene, and his new spy friends believe that his “idiot tow truck” persona is a brilliant act. Hurt feelings abound, and we all learn a lesson about “it’s OK to be yourself!” Weak, even for a movie like this.

Besides a lack of emotion, the film just isn’t funny. The first movie was largely introducing us to the world of Cars, and it was something we hadn’t seen before so most of the auto-themed jokes were funny. But this time? We get it, the world is full of living cars. Is it really that funny to see a Pope car with a big hat or a Queen of England car with a crown? Outside of the various car-related jokes and puns that are the film’s only real attempts at comedy, we just have Mater and his antics that make Alvin and the Chimpmunks look the like Bluths of Arrested Development in terms of subtle humor.

I will say one thing for the film, it might be the best looking Pixar project ever. The massive scope of these international cities is mindblowing, and everything from car fender reflections to water sloshing is on a level we’ve never seen in an animated film before. And it is nice to see the action pick up, as the various spy car chases chock full of Bond-like gadgetry are very cool, though I never expected to see so much automatic weapons fire and so many character executions in a G-rated Pixar film.

If we’re judging Cars 2 on how well it entertains kids, I suppose it succeeds. They’ll oo and ahh at the races, and laugh at Mater’s eternal bumbling, but as I said in my opening, you can really use that as a metric of quality. Rather, when judging Cars 2 not as a kids’ movie, but just as a movie, it doesn’t stack up to any of the previous, practically flawless Pixar efforts, not by a mile, and is even surpassed by many of its competitors from Dreamworks and Sony. It’s all visual flash and obvious humor, and the magic that makes each Pixar movie a masterpiece is just simply nowhere to be found here. Let’s hope this is the last mistake they make.

2 out of 5 stars