The Five Most Ridiculous Movies You Won’t Believe Are Being Made

It’s no secret that Hollywood is running out of ideas. Every movie announced these days seems to be a sequel or remake, and the industry is starving for new creative concepts for films. Unfortunately, it’s apparent they believe “creativity” consists of taking something you once played with as a child, and turning it into a $100M feature.

They’re banking on brand recognition and delirious nostalgia to bankroll these ill-conceived films, and you won’t believe some of the movies that are legitimately slated for production today.

1. Stretch Armstrong

How This Came to Pass:

In the last few years, we’ve witnessed the birth of a trio of teen idols thanks to the inescapable Twilight series. There’s Kristen, the lip-biter, Robert, the sparkler and Taylor, the jacked, tan, shirtless guy. Whose career do you think is currently blasting off?

Feel anything stretching yet?

But going from zero to superstar overnight can be taxing on a young mind, and you’re tempted to take the first role to come your way. One of the parts pitched to young Taylor Lautner was the lead in a new film. Imagine, not having to play second fiddle to a pasty white guy! I’ll take it! Errr wait, what’s it about? And so Stretch Armstrong found its star.

The Possible Plot:

What do you remember about Stretch Armstrong as a kid? I recall him looking a lot more like Brock Sampson and not a 17 year old Native American, but more so I remember commercials with kids pulling him over-enthusiastically. Going back it seems there WAS an actual plot in his TV spot. He stopped a bank robbery, and crammed into thirty seconds there’s even a flashback to his stretchy childhood.

What I have to wonder is if the film will explore his much more tragic later years. You know, after you’ve been playing with him for six months, your dog has chewed on him and his arms no longer contract back to their original length because you’ve stretched him out shooting water balloons at the girl next door? Also, I have 2 to 1 odds there will be at least three hidden innuendos about how he can make anything stretch that will go over kids’ heads.

Box Office Receipts:

Taylor Lautner out earned Robert Downey Jr. and Will Smith last year. But can the kid sell tickets when there’s no bullshit vampire/werewolf melodrama in his movie? I’d say $15M opening weekend if his shirt is on for the poster, $25M with his shirt off.

2. Asteroids

How this Came to Pass:

Hollywood just can’t seem to figure out why when video game titles rack up sales in the billions every year, ONE good film adaptation of them can’t seem to be made. When Resident Evil is your gold standard, that’s your problem right there.

One of the greatest Oscar snubs of our generation.

With newer titles like Prince of Persia and Max Payne failing to ignite audiences, Universal thought they’d dig a bit deeper, and so a feature film adaptation of Asteroids was born.

The Possible Plot:

There have been many movies based around asteroids being hurled at earth before, ranging from the ridiculous (Deep Impact) to the more ridiculous (Armageddon) and I have to assume Asteroids will be no exception. But how exactly do you formulate a film around a game that’s little more than line drawings?

Behold, the asteroids of DOOOOM!

I’m guessing a future setting starring someone named “Lt. Rocky Steele” (played by Josh Duhamel). When the sun’s gravitational field shifts and starts pulling the asteroid belt toward earth, it’s up to the planet’s best fighter pilot to hop in his craft and blast the hell out of those rocks before they get there. At the end there’s a giant boss asteroid voiced by Gary Oldman.

Box Office Receipts

Nostalgia is big, but as this project should be more or less entirely costly CGI, I can’t imagine it would do terribly well given how jaded the public has been with far better games that have turned out to be awful movies. I’m HOPING that audiences won’t give Asteroids a chance so we can nip this potential nostalgia game-movie craze in the bud early.

3. Battleship

How This Came to Pass:

I can’t remember ever thinking while putting red pegs into my submarine as child, “Man, if only this was a blockbuster movie.” But someone got that idea in their heads, and not only is a Battleship movie coming, it’s practically done filming.

It’s an idea so absurd that James Cameron publicly called a Battleship movie everything that was wrong with modern filmmaking, and I would be hard pressed to argue that point.

James Cameron is not amused.

The Possible Plot:

Some details of this project are known, so I don’t have to speculate too much, but what info we do have is so ridiculous that I couldn’t have even made it up if I tried. In order to ensure effective character development, the film stars Rihanna (the singer) and Brookyln Decker (the SI swimsuit model). Somehow, someone hit Liam Neeson on the head and dragged him on set as well.

“F*** you James Cameron!”

But the cast isn’t even the best part. Because ships launching missiles blindly at each other isn’t exactly a compelling plot, the titular battleships will actually be fighting ALIENS. What the? Where the? How did we get here again?

Here’s what I don’t understand about movies like this one and the above Asteroids. You want to make a movie about spaceships blowing up asteroids? Fine. Battleships fighting aliens? OK. But WHY do you need the license for the two titles? Doesn’t the fact that everyone is laughing that you’re making a movie based on a plot-less Atari title or a board game outweigh the nostalgia recognition factor? Just make a movie about those things, and avoid the ridicule by pretending like you at least made an original work, which is essentially what you’re doing as you have to write these plots from scratch. I just don’t understand.

Box Office Receipts:

Sadly, Battleship will probably do well at the box office between Liam Neeson’s commanding presence and Brooklyn Decker’s rack. Not to mention people love explosions and aliens, and I’m guessing they’ll unfortunately turn out for Battleship.

4. Ouija

How This Came to Pass:

It wasn’t even a good toy, and now it’s going to be a worse movie. The type of people who thought that Ouija Boards actually worked as a kid have now grown up into stupid adults, and that’s what’s being counted on for the upcoming film adaptation.

Despite its seeming stupidity, there was actually a director WAR over who would get to helm this thing. Charlie’s Angels‘ McG beat out Sahara‘s Breck Eisner for the chair, and man, come and collect your prizes, as this is surely going to be a gem.

Hopefully we see the same level of class in this project.

The Possible Plot:

Remember the stupidest part in the otherwise OK horror movie Paranormal Activity? It was when the Ouija Board they were using caught on fire, which made most people burst out laughing and the inclusion of the board totally took everyone out of the setting.

Apparently the demon behaves like a seven year old who found matches.

So, let’s make a whole movie around that awkward moment! I’m guessing the cast will consist of a bunch of hot young teens who use the board as a joke, and then mysteriously, the predictions made by the magnet filled device turn out to be true and they all start dying. It’s like The Ring but minus a few dozen IQ points.

Box Office Receipts:

Teens are usually suckers for stupid horror movies, and depending on which up and coming young actors and actresses are on board, this should definitely turn a profit. Throw some High School Musical or Twilight alumni in there, and this will easily recoup its costs and more.

5. Rubik’s Cube

How This Came to Pass:

Oh come on, you’ve got to be kidding me now. I couldn’t even believe it when I first heard this news, but yes, a movie based around the frustrating ’80s puzzle, the Rubik’s Cube is getting its own feature.

I guess after its supporting role as a plot point in the Pursuit of Happiness, Dude Where’s My Car and Wall-E, the Cube got a big head and thought that it deserved its own film. Because if inanimate objects like Ouija Boards are getting their own movies, why shouldn’t he goddamnit?

“By jove, you’re hired you crazy homeless genius!”

The Possible Plot:

Because they knew everyone would be saying “what the f***?” as soon as they heard this news, those behind the film quickly explained the scenario in which we would find our titular cube.

The idea is that the movie would be based around a Rubik’s Cube competition, to see who could do it the fastest. Lame, but even lamer when you Google that the world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube is 6.77 seconds. Not quite sure how you stretch that into a climactic final showdown scene, when the entire event lasts no longer than an extended yawn.


Box Office Receipts:

If this isn’t a horrific, miserable failure, I’m going to build myself a rocket, and launch out into space to start pushing asteroids in the direction of earth.

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  1. The last one might be interesting if it was like a rotating giant death cube that a bunch of people had to figure out how to escape from…

    Oh wait, that was Cube. Nevermind.

  2. There are plenty of GOOD video games left to ruin with bad Hollywood adaptations, so it’s hard to believe that they are scraping the barrel with these gimmicks… except that there is probably up-front money associated with getting these movies made. So, if you want to make a battleships vs. aliens (really?) movie anyway, why not find a toy company that wants a licenscing tie-in and get them to pony up some big money so you can attach people like Liam Neeson to your (presumably) crappy script. That’s my theory.

    Hopefully in the midst of this crap someone is actually working on a decent version of Half-Life or Halo. But I doubt it.

  3. @Ryan… YES! I give myself 20 Geek Demerits for missing that one. It’s also one I’m especially nervous about them messing with. It could be made into one of the best film franchises of all time (with FemShep, please) – or be the most disappointing translation to film, yet.

  4. Mass Effect has way too much backstory and setting detail to cram in a single 2-hour movie.

    It would probably be better as a mini-series, I think, or as a continuously-shot trilogy of movies (like the LoTR trilogy), which would make a lot of sense, seeing as the game franchise is also a trilogy.

    Unfortunately, I doubt they’d shoot all three movies in a row without finidng out whether it turns out good profits or not (seeing as, unlike LoTR, it’s not a decades-long successful franchise), so if Hollywood does decide to shoot Mass Effect movies, we can probably look forward to a good first movie followed by crappy, boring, bland and shallow sequels.

    @Greg: why FemShep? MaleShep would do just as well (if not better), and I can explain why in two simple pairs of words: Ashley vs. Liara and Miranda vs. Jack. 😉


  5. I’d actually love to see an adaption of call of duty black ops, that would require no back stories just a continued series of flash backs. The plot was perfect for an action movie, an unseen side of the cold war.

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