The Five Least Intimidating Villains of 90’s Comedies

4. Matt Wilson – Encino Man

Just look at the guy. He couldn’t frighten a puppy, even a puppy that’s easily frightened. He also has no special abilities to speak of; he’s not strong or smart, and other than his two lackies he has absolutely no clout at his high school. So bullying poor main character Samwise Gamgee McLookeveryone-Ifoundacaveman (totally what the name was) only accomplishes him looking like more of a jerk than he already did.

Most movie bullies dissuade the hero from being themselves, or convince the rest of the popular kids to gang up on the protagonist. In Encino Man, though, Matt and his goons get their asses kicked by Brendan Frasier almost immediately, and are widely considered complete jokes by everyone else at school even before that. Also, when Matt tries to act the villain in the end of the film by revealing that the bizarre foreign exchange student is a caveman, no one seems to really care. If anything, Samwise should get a Nobel Prize for teaching a prehistoric human to speak English and begin to assimilate to modern culture in less than three days.

If any further proof is necessary that Matt’s a complete and total douche-nozzle with no sway, just watch the gif below. You’re welcome.

5. Carl Quigley, Edward Biderman, and Juice – Blank Check

Where do I start? The plot to this movie shouldn’t have ever gotten off the ground. Quigley, a former bank robber escaped from jail, recovers his stash of one million dollars and then begins walking around in broad daylight with a suspicious-looking briefcase. He then gives the money to his incompetent bank manager friend Biderman, who is the same man who testified against him in court. Quigley tells Biderman to launder it by pretending to cash a check for one million dollars from an associate named “Juice”. The kind of check that’s totally not going to draw attention at a bank whose tellers handle mostly personal accounts.

After leaving the bank, Quigley runs over eleven-year-old Preston Water’s bike and thinks it’d be a good idea to cut him a check and hush him up. He panics after seeing polic in the distance, and leaves the check blank with only a signature, telling Preston to let his Dad fill it out. You can see where this is going. When Preston tries to cash a check for a million dollars the next day, Biderman thinks Quigley’s bagman is an eleven-year-old boy because he’s a complete dolt and because… plot convenience.

Preston sneaks away with the cash and promptly starts spending it through the fake name of “Mr. Macintosh,” because people evidently didn’t think to ask for social security numbers in the 90’s when handling property purchases. Preston is able to get away with spending almost every penny of the cash despite it being issued through the marked bills that Biderman was supposed to have laundered and instead gave away.

The rest of the movie has Preston being pursued by the three incompetents, and it ends in a chase through Preston’s collection of expensive toys, which are set up like booby traps in a scene paying homage to/ripping off Home Alone. When the FBI arrives, the trio claims they are really Mr. Macintosh, and they are promptly arrested for fraud and felony theft.

Although the movie’s decision to portray pedophilia in a positive light (as long as it’s a hot chick and a young male) may be the worst call, Quigley’s decision to walk around in public after escaping was equally risky. His face would be instantly recognizable to every cop in the surrounding state area. Also, writing a check in his own name would be an handy way for authorities to trace his location and implicate Biderman as an accomplice.

Finally, Quigley’s “eff it” attitude towards filling out his check was the least calculated move by a movie villain of that decade. Who’s to say that Preston’s Dad wouldn’t have scammed Quigley, either? Quigley is so ineffectual, he makes King Koopa from the Super Mario Bros. movie look like Hannibal Lector. At least he still knows how to be mean to kids.

Jarrod Lipshy is a soon-to-be-graduating B.A. English student who is scared as hell about being able to find a real job. He collects old video games and watches way too many dumb movies.