The Best Dudes Ever (These Guys Rule So Hard) – Movie Edition

 

I want you to think about the awesomest movie character you can.  Take your time.  Who is it, in your mind, that rules over and owns everything?  Is it Han Solo?  Maybe Trent Walker?  Maybe even Patrick Bateman?  Not that those guys aren’t sweet, but there are nine movie characters who are quite simply the best dudes ever.  Everything they say and do is awesome; there is nothing you could add or delete from their respective characters that would make them sweeter.  This is by no means an attempt to make a “WTF” list, and I assure you I had no intention of writing about only obscure characters when I started thinking about this article.  It just so happens that the best dudes ever – as seen in movies – aren’t iconic characters.  Except to me they are.  Here are, as featured in movies, the best dudes ever who rule so friggin hard and own everyone and everything around them (I wish I could be any of them):

Ellis – Die Hard

I am not putting these awesome dudes in any particular order, but if I was, I just might have to put Ellis first.  Ellis rules.  In Die Hard, the first time we see Ellis, he’s finishing up some nose candy at his company’s Christmas party.  That’s pretty cool, but Ellis is doing it in someone else’s office, making it mind-numbingly awesome.  He brags about the Rolex watches the employees got for Christmas, uses the word “capiche,” and refers to Hans’ group of clever, sophisticated terrorirsts as Eurotrash.  Ellis has a huge, douchey smile and the type of beard that every man wishes he could grow.  Good God, Ellis is the f*cking man.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: When he calls Hans “boobie” and explains that he’s his white knight.  And put the gun away, this is radio, not television.  Ellis isn’t a method actor, you know.  Seriously, everything Ellis says throughout the entire movie is saturated with douchiness and I love him for it.

Sonny – You Got Served

Unhappy with the fact that David and Elgin get a bigger cut of the prize money when their crew wins dance battles, Sonny (pointed out in the pic above) decides to doublecross them and join up with Wade and Max’s crew.  Good for him; get that money, playa.  Not only does Sonny tell Wade and Max about all of David and Elgin’s dance moves, he breaks out the nastiest crip walk in the history of, well, anything.  With every move that Sonny makes – all in the name of straight cash, homey – David and Elgin can feel their pockets thinning.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: After David improvises and crip walks during the dance battle against Wade, Max, and newly recruited Sonny, Sonny strikes back, unleashing a crip walk so epic that space and time twist into one singularity, turning everything we’ve ever known about the universe on its head.  If Ellis could crip walk, I’d insist he was God.

Willie Stokes – Bad Santa

I’ve mentioned it before, but a girl once told me that I was going to be exactly like Willie Stokes when I got older.  I was flattered.  What’s not to like about Willie?  He is a raging alcoholic, screams and curses at little kids, bangs anything that moves (and in the third hole, no less), and has no qualms about breaking, entering and grand theft auto.  Oh, and he pisses himself, too.  Often.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: Willie lives with the little fat kid for weeks and doesn’t even bother to learn his name.  After glancing at the kid’s report card, Willie asks, “Who the f*ck is Thurman?”

Jody Summers – Baby Boy

Man, I love Jody.  The dude already has two kids out of wedlock with two different girls, but he just can’t keep his dong in his pants.  He lives with (and mooches off of) his mother and slangs stolen dresses in the streets for cash.  Jody’s got “Nympho” painted on the frame of his custom bicycle and gets down with one Alize a day.  After selling dresses and making a wad of cash, Jody prioritizes and invests his money properly…by putting rims on his girlfriend’s car.  When he’s not getting high, drunk, beating up teenagers, banging chicks, or threatening his mother’s boyfriend Melvin, he’s screaming at his baby’s momma, Yvette.   Who wouldn’t want to hang out with this guy?  What does he do that doesn’t rule?  Answer: nothing.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: Jody, after accepting a collect call from jail from Yvette’s convict ex-boyfriend Rodney, tells him, “Look at you!  Your ass in jail.  You ain’t got nothin’ to say about how I’m handlin’ mine, patna.  Look.  Don’t call my f*cking house no more.  My girl ain’t feelin’ you; it ain’t happenin’ cuz.”  Jody then directs his anger at Yvette, who totally deserves it.

Tommy Perello – Running Scared

Tommy is a throwback gangsta, the kind that we don’t really see anymore.  He’s jacked, insanely handsome, and has a voice so deep that I think I’m turning gay for him as I type this sentence.  Tommy almost always has a sly grin on his mug when he’s intimidating and bullying people, and he’ll make good on his threats, too, evidenced by him shooting his “buddy” in the head at point blank range.  And then laughing about it.  F*ck Henry Hill, and f*ck Vito Corleone — Tommy Perello is the true O.G.  I don’t approve of Tommy’s penchant for dropping N-bombs, but if anyone’s tough enough to get away with it, it’s him.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: When Tommy calls the cell phone implanted in a bag of cash left for Detective Rydell, setting off a bomb and killing Rydell.  As he makes the call, Tommy makes up his own MasterCard commercial of sorts, smiling widely as he says, “F*ckin’ priceless.”

Chuck/Koonoo – Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Chuck – or, by his island name, Koonoo – has a brain that must be scrambled eggs.  The dude is so fried that he can hardly function or hold a normal conversation.  Still, he’s capable of drinking, doing drugs, and surfing, three activites that rule pretty hard.  How fried is Koonoo?  Besides starting conversations he’s already had, he spent an entire day of surfing with Peter and didn’t even recognize him later at the bar.  Peter, trying to refresh Koonoo’s memory, tells him that they had a great time together.  “Oh.  Well, that’s cool.”

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: When British rock star Aldous Snow gets a piece of coral wedged in his leg after a surfing accident and – in a lot of pain – asks for towels, Koonoo exclaims, “You sound like you’re from London!”

Orin Scrivello, DDS – Little Shop of Horrors

What kind of professional rides a motorcycle and wears a black leather jacket?  The best kind.  Dr. Orin Scrivello knows how to treat a woman, that’s for sure.  OK, so maybe the handcuffs and beatings don’t float your boat, but the dentist can provide for a woman.  Doesn’t that count for something?  Orin is like the Elvis of dentists, only if Elvis was a sadist who liked to get high on laughing gas when hurting people.  Think about how much he rules: a dentist who has a special mask he uses to get high when working on patients and who also beats the everloving sh*t out of his submissive girlfriends.  Plus, he can sing.  Ah, I should have gone to dental school.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: Orin’s insistence that Audrey call him “doctor,” and her flinching with fear every time she realizes she forgot to.  You gotta know how to train ’em, huh stud?

Dudley “Booger” Dawson – Revenge of the Nerds

The simple fact that Dudley’s nickname is “Booger” and he wears the shirt pictured above should be reason enough to get him in this article, but Booger goes the extra mile: he’s a burping, farting, disgusting creature without an ounce of self respect or any sort of care about what other people think about him.  In an age of materialism and insecurity, Booger should be applauded.  It doesn’t matter who is around, you can always count on Booger to be his awesome, crude self.  The guy is all about the bush, but isn’t willing to compromise his character to get some.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness: I’d say the part in Nerds in Paradise when Booger packs an entire bag full of condoms, but he really leaves his mark in the original movie when he beats Ogre in the belching contest.

Caine Lawson – Menace II Society

Oh my Lord, Caine – be more awesome.  Many of you may think O-Dogg is cooler than Caine, but you’d be wrong.  Sure, they’re both violent (O-Dogg moreso, actually), but Caine’s ways with the ladies put him over the top.  Caine does thuggery to the fullest, peelin’ caps, slangin’ dope, and jackin’ marks (as seen above), but it’s his abandonment of responsibility that makes Caine rule so hard.

Defining Moment of Awesomeness:  Caine receives a phone call from a girl that he impregnated and refuses to believe that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is the father.  The girl cries to him on the phone, but to no avail.  Caine simply explains to her, “Look, I ain’t got time for this bullsh*t.  Peace.” and then hangs up the phone.  This is the same girl about whom Sharif asks “What happened with baby girl from the barbeque?”  Caine’s response: “Yeah, I f*cked.”  Yeah, you rule, Caine.  You rule hard.  When did Han Solo ever brag about banging a girl he had no intention of speaking to ever again?