The 10 Worst Pieces of Video Game Real Estate

It seems the real estate market has tanked in more than one realm. There’s no sub-prime mortgage crisis in the virtual world, but most video game locales are not places you should be sinking your money into at the moment. They do have their shining moments on occasion, but too often you’ll find a stray zombie plague or demon spewing portal will really put a damper on the nightlife. If you are in the market for a good property investment, look anywhere besides these ten video game money pits.

10. Liberty City

As seen in: Grand Theft Auto III, IV

Why you’d think about investing: It’s a cosmopolitan dream with vivid nightlife, fine food and drink and luxury apartments at relatively cheap prices.

Why you should reconsider: The crime rate is 7000% greater than most other citiesin the country (although Vice City and the greater San Andreas area aren’t all that far behind). If you own a car it will get stolen, if you walk to work you will get shot in a drive-by, and those luxury apartments? You’ll probably have to kill the previous owner for one. That’s how Liberty City real estate works.

9. Jacinto

As seen in: Gears of War 2

Why you’d think about investing: It’s not a bad market to invest in, considering it’s the only city in the country left standing.

Why you should reconsider: It’s only going to hold that title for another few hours or so. A confused marine was told by his dead father that he should sink it into the ground, so he’s doing his best to make that happen. In the meantime you’ll have to fight of Locusts, Brumaks and Reavers to even get to an open house in town.

8.  Saffron City

As seen in: Pokemon

Why you’d think about investing: Friendly local wildlife, and Silph Co. employs most of the town meaning unemployment rates are low. Local dojo in town for all your martial arts needs.

Why you should reconsider: Is actually controlled by the evil Team Rocket, using Silph Co. as a front to further their agenda which consists of…well, it’s not really ever clear exactly. Team Rocket is like Pokemon’s mafia, if the mafia decided to all wear robber masks and paint giant M’s on their chests.

7.  Mallet Island

As seen in: Devil May Cry

Why you’d think about investing: Kid-friendly (lots of puppets to play with!) and the island’s castle has a rich history and a real rustic feel to it.

Why you should reconsider: Alright, so the castle is actually classified as a “demon-constructed building” which might make for a prickly selling point in the future. And those puppets you just let your kid go play with? They killed him and chopped him up into pieces. Probably should have mentioned they might do that earlier.

6. Kvatch

As seen in: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Why you’d think about investing: Surrounded by beautiful countryside, crafted from stone by the finest mason’s in Cyrodil.

Why you should reconsider: It’s usually not wise to pour money into an area that’s currently under siege by demonic creatures from another plane of reality. And even if you do manage to close that dreadful Oblivion gate, you know the town is going to be a real fixer-upper.

5.  Rapture

As seen in: Bioshock

Why you’d think about investing: Beautiful ocean views, and a community of the nation’s leading thinkers. Plasmids make life easier by allowing you to do things like create fire (great for cooking), conduct electricity (great for the electric bill) and expel bees from your hands (great for honey).

Why you should reconsider: The mayor is a bit of a psychopath, and the local children all seem to be possessed by some sort of demon. Most areas of town are often riddled with hostiile security bots, , splicing junkies and giant mechanized babysitters (someone has to look after the demon children). And did I mention the leaky roof?

4. Bowser’s Castle

As seen in: Super Mario World, Mario Kart

Why you might invest: Handcrafted stone construction, perfect hideout after plundering/kidnapping. May or may not come with princess.

Why you should reconsider: There’s a severe lava flow problem, and also it seems to be crawling with undead animals. Also, the previous owner must be evicted by repeatedly jumping on his head.

3. Megaton

As seen in: Fallout 3

Why you might invest: Family friendly (orphans scampering about), good local law enforcement (Sheriff Lucas Simms), and walled protection from Raiders and Supermutants.

Why you should reconsider: The entire place is built around an unexploded nuclear warhead. A slight gust of wind might turn your investment into a very expensive hole in the ground. Plus, who wants to get paid in bottle caps anyways?

2. Raccoon City

As seen in: Resident Evil

Why you’d think about investing: All public services are provided by the Umbrella Corporation, so no messy contractor squabbling. And that recent quarantine should mean lots of peace and quiet!

Why you should reconsider: There is a bit of a troublesome zombie infestation. Unless you’re a genetically engineered human clone with super strength and telepathy, you probably should steer clear of the roads, the subways, the buildings, most houses, well, probably just all of it really.

1. Silent Hill

As seen in: Silent Hill

Why you might invest: Small town charm, breezy evenings spent sitting on the front porch, staring into the mist.

Why you should reconsider: Noisy neighbors (a certain pyramid-headed gentleman enjoys dragging metal objects around), non-existent social scene (something about a fire?) and a tiny problem involving an infestation of the scariest monstrosities you’ve ever laid eyes on, all of which play into the darkest fears of your subconscious.