Never Pick Up the Hitchhiker: Six Terrible Horror Movie Decisions That Cost People Their Lives

Every Friday the 13th movie: Hey, Let’s Go Party At That Camp Where People Who Party Seem To Get Inexplicably Killed

Alright, you KNOW that this kid named Jason drown at camp crystal lake. You know this was due to the negligence of some other campers, who were too busy bumping uglies to stop a retarded kid from drowning. You now know that teens who work at the camp or who go and party at the camp are slowly being killed off, usually during the act of coitus. So what do you do? YOu round up all your friends and go party and have sex there, so as to make the killing easier on Jason.

Nah Jason, no worries. We’ll meet you halfway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHYQ79ud1dY

Shout-out to YouTube user ZombieCallum for making this dope kill mix.

It can be said, with all confidence, that every single kill in The Friday the 13th could have easily been avoided had any of the teens displayed even the tiniest hint of some sort of self preservation. But I guess therein lay the charm. The lambs roll up into the wolves den, all horny and ready for slaughter. In that sense, Jason is like Darwin, working evolution even further.  We kind of owe him thanks for that, actually.

” Just doing my part, Remy.” mumbled Jason, as he cut another teen in half.

Simple solution: Don’t go to Camp Crystal Lake. Ever.

Evil Dead: Hey, Why Don’t We Read This Creepy, Flesh-Covered Book

Alright, this one is on the list for two reasons. The first reason is, it may be one of the stupidest things anyone has ever done in a horror movie. Generally, when I find flesh-covered books in old cabins, I tend to leave them alone. And leave the cabin, for that matter.

And this leads to point two, Cabin in the Woods. That movie redefined how we look at bad choices made in horror, and a good number of those tropes are taken directly from this film. Man, I love me some Whedon, I won’t lie.

Read that list and let it fill your soul with pure joy. Yup, it says “angry molesting tree”.

So I know we all watched Cabin, and I know that changes the way we look at the choices made in this film, but we need to shout it out, too. I actually have a copy of the Necrinomicon (no, seriously, my Mom owned a second hand bookstore for most of my life, and odd things came through those doors on occasion) and even I wouldn’t mess with it. And mine wasn’t wrapped in skin. The skinbound version was too expensive.

Here are some of the astral charts and symbols from the book itself. No, seriously.

The best way to tell if a situation in a movie is realistically portrayed, as you ask your friends how they would react in that situation. We all have friends who would, indeed, read the book. We just need to hope those friends are in the minority when you find the book, because they always take a vote.

Solution: Remember, if ever given the choice between opening the creepy old book, or keeping it closed, keep it closed. Even if an unseen force in pumping drugs into your system that make it really hard to want to open the book, you just don’t open the book!

The Hitcher/Texas Chainsaw: Hey, Why Don’t We Pick Up That Questionable Looking Hitchhiker

I know citing only two examples greatly undersells this trope, but I feel like these are two really solid examples that most people have either seen or are atleast aware of. The fact of the matter, though, more than the others on this list, this one happens in real life. Quite a bit more than any of us would like to think about, too. But the one factor remains. Not just in movies, but in real life, too. You just never pick up a hitchhiker. For every nice hippie who wants to smoke a joint with you and thanks you about 200 times, there are guys like this.

I know the hitchhiker in Texas Chainsaw is passive for the most part, but he is the genesis into the madness they will descend into. Just his presence in that van hints at some messed up shit down the road. Even in the remake. When the girl blows her brains out. If that wasn’t foreshadowing, than what is?

When I first saw this movie when I was thirteen, I thought the guy was really cutting himself. Messed me all up.

On top of this, I know a guy (in the real world) who picked up a hitchhiker near Kingston, Ma, which is just outside of Plymouth.  The guy made him pull over, tied him to a tree using his own belt, and stabbed him twenty-four times. The whole reason he did it was because he needed a car. The most disturbing part is that the hitchhiker was holding a gas can and dressed in a three piece suit, and no one seemed to notice he wasn’t around a car.

People doubting the authenticity of that can read all the details, names and all, right here.

So you see, for many reasons, you just never pick up the f*cking hitchhiker. Never.

That rule could save your life.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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14 Comments

  1. You HAVE to be joking about the Necronomicon thing.

    It’s a fictional book Lovecraft came up with to let his characters know some information about the hell beasts he was creating.

    It’s MADE UP.

    Someone may have come up with some BS book of star charts and faux-wicca stuff but there isn’t really an actual magic grimoire called Necronomicon (or Necrinomicon) that existed before it was made up.

    Otherwise, great article. Loved the whitebaord baddies, anyone else see “The Bride” and “Dismemberment Goblins”? Classic.

  2. Hitchhiking is actually a cheap and fun way to travel. I’m from the UK, and last Easter I hitchhiked with a friend from Cardiff in Wales to Rijeka in Croatia for charity, travelling through 7 countries along the way. I completed it in 4 days, staying in hostels for the night. 25 seperate lifts later we made it to Croatia, having met some really interesting people, including one guy who hitch-hikes as part of his job! It just has a realy bad stigma assiciated with it due to a few wierdos.

  3. You know, it has been a decade since I have last seen Jeepers Creepers, but unil todya if you asked me to give you a quick summary I would start with “Well this couple is driving along the highway…”. I just recalled them being boyfriend and girlfriend, not brother and sister pair. The holding hands thing is indeed weird, I am fairly close to my sister but I would ever do that, but I guess thats Victor Salva for you, still the less weird shit he has put as a subtext in a movie.

  4. But in Paranormal Activity, wasn’t it meant to be the woman herself who was ‘haunted’, not just the house? So it wouldn’t have made a difference if they’d gone somewhere else or not, it had been with her since childhood.

  5. ive been hitchhiking since i was 8 years old and picking up hitchhikers since i could drive. nothing bad has ever happened, ever. people who think hitchhiking is dangerous are the same people who think anyone who wears a turban is a terrorist and think they need a gun to “fend off home invasions”. the fact that you are driving in the first place means you dont even care about your own safety, picking up some poor dude who cant afford a car isnt going to kill you. one of your friends died from picking up a hitchhiker so you stop picking them up? how many have died from cancer? car accidents? better walk everywhere and wear sunscreen and a gas mask at all times.

  6. Have you ever read a webcomic called Something Positive? The angry molesting trees comment reminded me of it, there are redneck sodomy trees in it. If ya haven’t read the comic it sounds weirder than it actually is.

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