A Failed Experiment in Googling (or, I’m in No Rush to See Django Unchained)

OK, here’s the deal: I’m not in the mood to write a long introductory paragraph for this list article. I’m just not. It’s not that I don’t enjoy haphazardly analyzing my favorite directors. I do. However, I made a promise to a certain Sara Clemens that, as penance for ruining her Christmas last month, I would guzzle 12 ounces of Absinthe before writing this week’s article. (This was a terrible idea, my intern keeps shouting. And I don’t even have an intern.) Unfortunately, I forgot to tell Paul about this promise until yesterday, and I’ll be goddamned if that conversation headed in the direction I wanted it to. ———

P: Dude.

TJ: Oh hey, man.

P: Dude… I really thought we were past all this stuff.

TJ: I know, right? Whelp, two more years of Obama, I guess! Chaaaaaaaaaaange!

P: What? Two mor—OK, first of all, are you even registered to vote?

TJ: I think so. There’s a grace period or something for parolees, right?

P: Never mind.

TJ: Done and done.

P: Listen, what did you mean in your last e-mail when you said that…hang on, I’ll get the exact quote… “things are about to get very, very real up in here”?

TJ: No idea, dude. The green fairies are doing their thing with my interns.

P: So you were serious about the Absinthe?

TJ: As serious as the Teej Machine gets, bro.

P: Goddamnit, you were serious about the Absinthe.

TJ: Listen, if it makes you feel any better, everything I plan on writing about is pretty f**ked up, too. It’s a list or something about Tarantino’s most f**ked-up movie moments.

P: OK. First of all, everything you ever plan on writing about is pretty f**ked up. That’s actually part of the reason my job exists. If it were up to you, Unreality would just be a series of list articles about Care Bears and Liam Neeson.

TJ: Dude, if you’re trying to shoot down my “Liam Neeson vs. Bears” roundup again, you can forge—”

P: Ugh, I hate that I approved that pitch. Just take it easy this time, yeah?

TJ: Sorry man, no promises. Tarantino stuff.

P: I hate you.

TJ: Fair enough.


Reservoir Dogs – “You weren’t using that ear, were you?”

All right, let’s just get this one out of the way. If you’re reading this after the jump, you’re at least partially a Tarantino fan, and if you’re at least partially a Tarantino fan, you’re at least mostly familiar with Michael Madsen’s sweet dance moves (and also K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70s). Everything about this scene makes me brilliantly uncomfortable. httpv://youtu.be/TqRHjYl955s That’s not how you talk into an ear. It just isn’t.

Kill Bill (Vol. 1) – “What are you here for again, Buck?”

This is one of my favorite Tarantino flicks, and I’ll admit, it’s tough to pay attention to anything in it that doesn’t involve the color yellow or a samurai sword. Nevertheless, it’s a bit of a [physiologically truncated] process for The Bride to get back on her feet (heyo!), and part of that process involves years of implied rape. httpv://youtu.be/sbZR9PMdBfk There’s so much going on in this movie, it’s easy to forget that while The Bride was lying comatose for X amount of years in a hospital bed, some white-trash asshole was whoring her out to whoever had $75 and mommy issues. [Bonus factoid! Tarantino might have a foot fetish.]

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  1. Do you think you used the word “fuck” enough? You really know how to write an article that makes people want to stop reading within 100 words. As an FYI, the “conversation between a writer and Paul” trope that this site seems to be relying heavily on nowadays is really a pain in the ass to read. We get that you write for Unreality, there is no need to constantly throw out Paul’s name. You have the job, sucking up is moot now.

  2. I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with GrandWazoo on this one. I actually found the article to be amusing. I agree sometimes the F-bomb being dropped too often can shut some people off from finishing an article. But I didn’t think it was used more than was necessary for the purpose of the article, which created an anecdote on top of providing a list. I also enjoy the conversation style of article as it provides a break from the paragraph after paragraph style of articles that fill the website. I enjoyed the article and sort of real conversational type of style these lists have. That’s just my opinion though.

  3. Paul is just such a cipher wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery. He trafficks in one-word answers to our pitches and single sentence emails: “Hey, don’t say ‘f***’ so much.” We can’t help but insert him as a character into our pieces.

    And hey Teej, I meant for you to find your own absinthe, not abscond with all of mine. Fail. Again.

  4. My bad, @Sarah. But you, on the other hand. ‘Absinthe’? ‘Abscond’? As a lover of alliteration, you win at life, madam.

    And everything you say about @Paul is true. He’s the editor I need, and probably more patient than the editor I deserve…

  5. why would anyone “respectfully disagree” with GrandWazoo? I havent seen him be anything but an asshole on no less than 3 articles that i have read just this morning. i very disrespectfully disagree with you, GrandWazoo, and think you suck big time

  6. @Tycen

    Mainly because I believe in the discussion of opposing viewpoints and try to avoid name calling or negativity at costs. I do not believe that accomplishes anything.

    Also because I had not yet seen any other comments by GrandWazoo. Now that I have I would have to say your points are valid. I also hereby modify my original comment to read “I disrespectfully disagree.”

  7. You know why you have an introduction? It’s so people know what they are reading. Otherwise they have to go by the title.

    This article had eff-all to do with Django Unchained, but seemed to be about some argument with your editor and a list of really well-known Tarantino scenes. – Seriously, get your act together and write properly.

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