Five Things I Could Do with $500 Million

Well the winner of the Powerball jackpot was announced last night, and writing this ahead of time, I’m assuming I’m not $500M richer today as a result of my twelve tickets.

But what if? That’s always a fun question anyone asks themselves when buying a lottery ticket. What if I won?

Well, let’s put aside the fact that I’d lose a huge chunk of the money to taxes. I’m not entirely sure if Taxcaster (my favorite tool for filing my personal taxes) can handle a massive lottery win. I may need a lawyer or accountant for that kind of sum. Beyond that, I would likely give much of it away. What if I had to spend it on incredibly dumb ideas? Here are five I came up with.

1. Buy Every WiiU So Kids Have a Miserable Christmas

1,666,666. That’s the total number of WiiUs I could buy with $500M. I don’t think Nintendo has produced nearly that many yet, so I would ensure that I would be the ONLY one with them this Christmas. Then I would turn around and sell them for twice the price and I’d be a billionaire. Flawless plan.

2. Buy the World’s Greatest Cosplay Costume

I’ve always wanted to have a truly badass cosplay costume, but I never had the time, money or resources to invest in making one. But $500M? I’d have the Department of Defense craft me an actual Gundam suit. I might destroy Comic-Con when I show up, but that’s a risk everyone should be willing to take to witness the glory of my costume.

3. Pay Microsoft To Let Me Be Master Chief

One of these days, Microsoft and 343 will finally let us see who Master Chief is under that helmet. I think a $500M bribe would let me not only be able to be the face, voice and mo-cap person for Master Chief, I could probably get them to name the next game: Halo 5 – Legend of Tassi

4. Make My Book Into a Movie

Sigh. This is probably the only one I might genuinely consider doing, if I was truly that selfish. It’s a dream for someone to adapt my book into a movie. For $500M it would probably be the most expensive film ever made, but I could hire Chris Nolan to direct and cast absolutely anyone I wanted in all the roles. If it sucked, I would use the remaining cash to buy Rotten Tomatoes and ensure that it MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT SUCK.

5. Become Batman

Remember that infographic from a little while back showing how much it would cost to be Batman? Well, turns out with $500M, I’d still be $182M short, but at that point I’d be willing to sacrifice the Batplane and Wayne  Manor if I got to keep everything else. Sure, I’d probably die the first time I tried to use my grappling hook on a skyscraper, but it would totally be worth it.