Five Kinds of People that Can’t Possibly Exist in Real Life

Ah, it feels good to rest my hands on a full-size keyboard again.

For the six or so readers who may have noticed my absence, I’ve spent the last couple weeks recovering from a much-needed round of knee surgery. ACL reconstructive + meniscus repair, to be precise. The operation was no picnic, but the real agony started the next day, when I found myself largely immobilized from the waist down. (A fully grown TJ is not meant for captivity, you see—even with Wi-fi and basic cable.)

When I got bored of hazily wading through Fresh Prince  reruns, Adult Swim cartoons,  and alien-based History Channel documentaries (i.e., roughly three days), I reached for my laptop; writing is one of my favorite distractions. But while some prescription drugs might enhance the creative process, I can assure you Percocet isn’t one of them. The foggy pitches I sent Paul during that first week left something to be desired.

Needless to say, I shelved my writing projects for a while. Reading was tabled for similar reasons, so it was back to my favorite nemesis: the TV. Here’s the thing about watching 10+ hours of television per day: it’s impossible to avoid the occasional infomercial. (Especially at 4am, when there’s nothing occasional about them.) And here’s the thing about knee pain that wakes you up at 4am: it makes you temporarily despise everything around you. Even Will Smith.

Oooh, how I grew to hate those infomercials. It’s not that the gadgets they hawk are all completely useless; some are downright legit (hell, I’d buy a Pocket Hose). But most appear to have been directed by lawn furniture and populated by waspy idiots who couldn’t fight their way out of an invisible bag. The result? Painfully first-world scenarios that defy common sense in ways even Perco-Teej could recognize. If these potential customers exist in the real world, our species is doomed sooner than I thought:

1)  Booty Pop – For the duplicitous, celebrity-obsessed narcissist in you (and your butt)

According to this commercial, women’s jeans serve exactly one purpose: creating a “bootylicious perky pop” in the ass section, “just like the celebrities.” Well, that’s a retarded way of saying it, but guys have fancied shapely fannies for centuries, and this product achieves one particular version of said fanny. It’s a sad example of our superficial, celebrity-obsessed society, but the advertisement seems harmless enough.

Hey, wait a second…

Until you stop to consider the sort of person Booty Pop is catering to. For starters, this hypothetical woman is already more attractive than average; aside from one terrifyingly jubilant moment at 0:54, all of the models in this infomercial are in pristine physical shape—save for their way-too-flat behinds, of course! This imaginary lady is also lazy, poor, or both, as she’d happily trade “endless squats” or “expensive cosmetic surgery” (i.e., the only other alternatives to adequate ass-poppage) for a polyester solution that comes in the mail.

“Nobody will ever guess my butt isn’t from African-American descent. Wee!”

Booty Pop panties are also meant to be kept a secret from the opposite sex (at least until the first inevitable ass grab), and if you can keep that secret from your lover for months on end, you probably suck as a person.

2)  The Comfort Wipe – For average-sized people who have trouble reaching their buttholes; are disgusted by their own buttholes

As long as we’re on the subject, meet the Comfort Wipe. Billed as “the first improvement to toilet paper as we know it since the 1880s,” this doohickey consists of an “anatomically designed” rod that “extends your reach a full eighteen inches” to help you wipe your butt after stuff comes out of it. Sure, this sounds ridiculous at first, but allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second: personal hygiene is a sensitive subject for people who are super old, fragile, and/or obese. Maybe the Comfort Wipe isn’t the worst solution to an embarrassing problem.

Hey, wait a second…

Thing is, those demographics aren’t the primary focus of this infomercial. Instead, every product demonstration is performed by this woman, who claims “toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting.”

Whoever produced this video certainly remembered the #1 rule of advertising: sex sells. Unfortunately, they forgot that this rule only applies to stuff that isn’t used to wipe your butt. You could sell me all day on how useful this thing is at the local nursing home or Doritos expo, but I am yet to meet the moderately-attractive-30-something blonde who is so appalled by her fanny parts that she vehemently keeps them at arm’s length. I simply refuse to believe that woman exists.

3)  Poop Freeze – For when your dog is a huge p*ssy

Believe me, this wasn’t the angle I was going for, but a surprising number of infomercials have something to do with poop (and what YOU can do about poop!). On paper, the bluntly-named Poop Freeze is a fine idea: nobody likes cleaning up after their dog in public, and frozen turds are easier to pick up than non-frozen ones. But check out ‘Tracy P’s reasons for using the stuff at 0:40.

httpv://youtu.be/73aL_4idVms

Hey, wait a second…

Sorry, trophy wife, but if you’re buying Poop Freeze because your tiny dog “gets nervous” and consistently shits all over the house, the solution to your problem isn’t finding more efficient ways to clean up after it. Better plan: get a new goddamned dog that doesn’t shit all over the house, and enter the old one in a canine version of the Hunger Games. Where it will probably shit itself and lose.*

4)  Stretch Genie – For squeezing into three-inch heels (even if you’re pregnant with twins!)

This is another product that sounds pretty good on paper. Shoes too tight? Just a few squirts of Stretch Genie, and your piggies get more wiggle room. The infomercial lists off all sorts of practical applications for this stuff: relieving pressure from swollen feet, breathing new life into old shoes, squeezing into high heels when you’re pregnant with twins (skip to 1:00)…

httpv://youtu.be/jJv1BLUH7B0

Hey, wait a second…

Hmm, just when I thought housewives couldn’t get any more desperate. Thank Christ for Stretch Genie, huh? How else could this poor woman expect to teeter around in heels with not one, but two bothersome creatures occupying her cake space??

5)  Forever Lazy – For when you (and your friends) completely stop caring about public appearances at football games

Whelp, nobody pulled any punches with the branding here. If you are what you wear, then Forever Lazy fills the bill, and I can think of no quicker way to lose your peers’ respect than regularly dressing in public like the kid from Where the Wild Things Are.

Not pictured: Respect.

Hey, wait a second…

Don’t get me wrong; these things look damn comfortable, and “comfy” always trumps “ridiculous-looking”— when you’re seven. But you wouldn’t expect a (perfectly diverse) group of college coeds to wear these things non-ironically at a tailgating party…

Well, Forever Lazy would. In fact, at least a few members of their marketing team seem to think ill-fitting fleece pajamas are the next big thing in public fashion. Better than faux butt implants, I guess…

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[*To be clear, that wasn’t a dog-fighting joke. I don’t advocate that stuff.]