…Android Are My Arms Tired! (Groan)

Though I’ve recently embarked on a new college semester in addition to starting my own company and still maintaining that 9 to 5 desk job, I had an itch to play some WoW lately.  I got bored after only a few days, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue.  Since Azeroth is largely deserted and I don’t always have access to my laptop, I decided to download a few new games for my phone.  Hey, I review ‘em so you don’t waste time on boring or completely asinine apps.

My selection process involves a very detailed and well-thought out plan of “which app is free and doesn’t have an animal-based icon.”  Or titles like Virtual Knee Surgery.  I cannot understand the appeal of a virtual Operation game that doesn’t involve a red buzzing clown nose.  And as always, I try to stay within the horror/fantasy/sci-fi genre, and was pleasantly rewarded with a decent selection of defense/strategy games sandwiched between the gross and tedious “let’s play physical therapist” applications.  For your reading pleasure, my two cents on these six games:

Hell Zombie

Tonight’s forecast: Partly cloudy with a chance of FREEZING DOOM.

The Screen-Smashing castle defense game for dummies and horny tweens.  The title “Hell Zombie” doesn’t exactly invoke images of knights and fair medieval maidens, but alas, that is precisely what this new offering from FT Games has in store.  Defend your moon-lit castle from the oncoming hordes of undead and demons and… that’s it.  Pretty much a one-trick pony requiring little skill beyond aiming a stationary crossbow.

Really?  Is Tits McGee really necessary here?

One of the more superfluous characters is one I’ve dubbed Princess McWenchSlut.  Seriously.  Are the size triple G’s necessary?  It’s simply comical at this point.  The bastard child of Krieger’s Virtual Girlfriend and Zelda, this helpful hinter guides you through the levels, but gameplay is limited and directed entirely through the pre-set mapping – no skipping around to other castles.  Boo.

Still, the background and graphics are pretty impressive and detailed for a freebie.  Level up your army and weaponry, collect gold and gems, defend your castle against increasingly difficult assailants – it’s your standard defense game.  The larger bosses become a royal PITA, and took me a few trials before I was well-equipped enough to handle them.  I can think of probably 18 other titles better suited than “Hell Zombie”, but that’s just me.

3.5 out of 5 – points off for gratuitous boobage and lack of actual zombies.

Army of Darkness: Defense

Ash, displaying the latest Clatto Verata Necktie (available at S-Mart).

HELL. YES.

I’ve actually completed this game several times, but I keep going back for more.  Why?  As an officially licensed app, this game from Backflip Studios includes the original music and sound bites from the film, making it a must-play for any Campbell/Raimi fan.  It’s campy and fun, just like the film, and doesn’t require a whole lot of strategy beyond “get behind the army if you’re low on health.”  I recommend maxing out the exploding boulders and the Deathmobile as your primary offense – they wipe out large swaths of hostiles in one (or several) fell swoop(s).

“Into the pit with those bloodthirsty sons of whores!”

Ash calls upon a vast army of King Arthur’s men and a host of other nifty assistants, such as King Henry, the wise man with a ZZ Top beard, and the blacksmith, all styled after their silver screen counterparts and spouting lines from the movie. And yes, you can throw deadites into the pit, rain down fiery arrows and catapults, or blow them away with your BOOMSTICK, all to the “March of the Dead” theme courtesy of one Danny Elfman.  Maybe this game only works for die-hard Evil Dead/AOD fans such as me, but it still ranks at the top of my free Android games, and as one I’ll repeat over and over.

5 out of 5 – Are all Android games such loud mouth braggarts?  Just this one, baby – just this one.

Guardian Cross

Guardian Kira hits Cross Jen for 1829 damage.

I really would have liked to play this game more, but it took forever to finish downloading.  Swing and a miss there, Square Enix, but I guess you’re too busy dealing with a dismal FFXIV launch.  Once it finally finished, I rather enjoyed the card-battle game, which differs slightly from the iOS version released over a year ago.  Hunt, capture and train your creatures to battle in the Coliseum, or complete missions for the pink-haired empress.

Usually, gifting a friend with a “rare slime” leads to embarrassing phone calls and blood tests…

It’s different than the classic defense game and plays more like a Pokemon battle, which was a welcome respite after my frustration with some of the other apps for this review.  I liked the multi-faceted levels and the rather intricate storyline, which was much more fluid and coherent than some of its competitors.

4 out of 5 – Pokemon fans will appreciate the gameplay, SquareEnix fans will appreciate being able to log in and actually play.  Too soon?

Legend Online: Dragons

Where Blue means Red and English is optional.

Despite the fact that I’ve yet to fight a single dragon, it’s not a bad little game, with decent level ups and upgradeable abilities.  The game play is a bit repetitive and predictable, and often the spells I cast were not the ones used against the rather easy to defeat enemies.  Quite a few bugs, according to the forums, but promising PvE/PvP battles should these get ironed out in later patches.  And, as always, the chat function never ceases to amuse, especially when populated by unsupervised tweenagers.

Oh, there’s the dragon.

Not bad, not bad… again, somewhat of a one-trick pony with little skill or strategy involved.  And their spelling leaves much to be desired, such as returning to the “Barrackss” to level up your soldiers, or if you wish to exit, just hit “Cancle”.  I wish I was joking.  Don’t worry – supposedly more expansions are “Come Soon.”  The writer in me dies a little on the inside.

3 out of 5 – not bad, but nothing astounding, either – they no write good.

The Tapping Dead

How much can a zombie eat? About 16 bits…

This debut offering from Crazy Cricket combines everyone’s favorites – zombies, 16 bit, gold coins (or ‘zoins’), and did I mention zombies?  Easy to play with a mini-smash game on the level selection screen, The Tapping Dead is a great turn-off-your-brain and smash the screen platformer.  Check out their website for detailed character bios, podcasts and sound clips.

BraaaaaainssssSurgery….

Complete with original, zombie-movie inspired music, often reminiscent of midi sounds, this old-school formatted side scrolling game will keep you smudging your screen with fingerprints and humming the tunes for hours on end.   With continual character motion that ceases only when you tap the screen, it’s a classic formula with the added kick of zombies and DK-esque graphics, sure to enthrall adults and kids alike.  The developers promise to add more buildings (levels) and zombies soon, and I intend to stick around to see how many times my toon can get dead by dawn – speaking of which, I should probably try to get some sleep…

4 out of 5 – an addictive, catchy game with promise.

Manos: The Hands of Fate

Yep, that’s a Servo.

But, Joy – I thought Manos: The Hands of Fate was a really, really terrible movie lampooned by MST3K and regarded as quite possibly the worst piece of trash in cinematic history?  True, but now, it’s also a really, really terrible Android game!  Breaking my own rule and paying the $2.49 for this game was almost as painful as sitting through this horrifying attempt at filmmaking.  The film ensured none of the cast ever acted again, and fan favorite Torgo (John Reynolds) offed himself the same year as the release, after a history of drug addiction aggravated by incorrectly worn prosthetic satyr-legs for the film.  But I digress…

The Master is not pleased.

The game itself is simple, but surprisingly intricate and detailed.  MSTies will recognize tropes from other episodes, such as Screaming Skulls and Floating Eyeballs, and the persistent creepy-Torgo theme song.  This game was so familiar, I was half expecting sibling plumbers eating mushrooms to appear, but I realize Torgo probably already ate them all along with all the LSD you need to suffer through this flick.  Manos (which incidentally means “hands” en Espanol, so it is literally ‘Hands: The Hands of Fate’) will likely appeal to fans of vintage NES games or bad movie buffs, but it’s worth a go even if you don’t appreciate mid-1960s snuff films.

4.5 out of 5 – Anything MST3K gets up-voted automatically, but this is actually a quality game, worth the $2.50.