A Week-Long Guide to Inebriated Entertainment

Day #4: Ecstasy

Inebriated Flick of Choice: The Princess Bride (1987) or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)


Now, your first instinct might be to reach for the porn (if there’s a drug that goes well with porn, it must be this one, right?), but let’s be honest: what else have you been doing to fill in the blanks of your vacant schedule these last few days? No more porn. X will give you feelings of euphoria, inner peace, and enhanced senses, so everything you touch should feel pretty neat. Know what goes good with euphoria? Nostalgia! If you’re between the ages of 25 and 35, The Princess Bride should totally bring back fuzzy-wuzzy memories of your youth (unless you’re a loser and never saw the damn thing). Throw in a couple Slurpees from 7-11 and four yards of bubble wrap, and you’ve got yourself a night.

What you can expect: To a), press ‘pause’ after Westley and Princess Buttercup escape the Fire Swamp, and b) watch three hours of broadband porn. Get a hold of yourself, man!

Day #5: LSD

Inebriated Flick of Choice: Doesn’t Matter


I’m not sure why you thought this was a good idea, but acid isn’t really a sit-down-and-watch-this-one-thing-on-TV sort of drug. Whatever movie you pop in, I guarantee what’s happening around you is more interesting after a tab (or two). One minute you’re sitting on the couch, chatting with some of your armpit chairs, and next thing you know a hammerhead shark with the arms of Helen Hunt is dual-banjoing with Satan in the corner. It would be rude to ignore the show, wouldn’t it? You’ve never heard the color blue before…

What you can expect: To wake up face-down in a puddle of your own vomit, most likely. And don’t worry about all those blank spots in your short-term memory; I’m sure you’re fine.

Day #6: Inhalants

Inebriated Flick of Choice: Grumpy Old Men (1993)


By now you’re definitely strung out, and out of all the drugs you bought. You need a fix, but you’d have to wander all the way to an ATM to get more cash. Two whole blocks. Uh uh. You’re not ready for any kind of human interaction. Luckily, your ex-roommate was a hobbyist, and he left behind a ton of airplane glue; you’re just a few sniffity-sniffs away from the gentle distortion of time and space. It’s an improvement, but you’re still a bit…grumpy. This feel-good romantic comedy should cheer you up, as long as you keep the glue under contro—

What you can expect: To wake up face-down in a puddle of your own vomit. Again. After six full days of cenephiliac drug abuse, it’s a wonder your body is even functioning.

Day #7: Mushrooms

Inebriated Flick of Choice: Troll Hunter (2010)


It’s the last day of your poorly devised binge. Almost made it. In this case, however, your own naivety is an unexpected windfall. When That Guy heard the laundry list of chemicals you planned on purchasing, he took advantage and gave you sliced portabellas instead of the real thing. Not knowing how to take mushrooms anyway, you treated them like any other veggie and put them in an omelet. After a couple hours, you still feel as sober and wretched as before, but you can chalk it up to the nature of the beast—not everyone reacts to magic mushrooms, you’ve heard. With a shrug, you pop in Troll Hunter for two reasons: a) it’s a suspenseful adventure movie, and you’re too strung out to sleep anyway, and b) it’s filmed in Norwegian, and following along to the subtitles should prove you still know how to read.

What you can expect: To lean back on the couch after the movie, sigh a deep sigh, and begin to seriously reevaluate your life strategies.

 

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13 Comments

  1. Too funny, some good, if unexpected choices. I was expecting half baked to pop up somewhere in there (you know where).

    I’d say your right about LSD, no way an entire flick is getting watched. Same with mushrooms. But if I had to choose I’d probably go with Enter the Void, or maybe Tron Legacy. Just pure eye candy. The visuals in both movies would have you pretty well transfixed. Not that I’d know.

  2. I don’t know about this article. Kinda changes my perception of this whole site. We’ve all probably experimented with some type of drugs in our lifetime, hence some of our interests, but haven’t most of us moved on from that point? Paul you’re going to be married, what are you doing telling the kiddies to watch movies while on ADHD medication? This is a step backwards when we all should be taking a step forward.

    Also, yes you CAN watch an entire movie while on LSD, and it makes it VERY interesting. But that’s beside the point, and I’m not advocating that. One of the biggest regrets of my life.

  3. @Tim “We’ve all probably experimented with some type of drugs in our lifetime, hence some of our interests, but haven’t most of us moved on from that point?”

    Not everyone is a maturing, aging, viewer on this site. This site goes after all age ranges, and although your experimental drug phase is in the past, it does not mean there aren’t others (much younger than yourself), who can find a lot enjoyment out of this article.

    And for one article to have enough influence to change “your perception of an entire site”, is just………….wow.

  4. @Marvin the Macabre and @andrew
    Extended, if you want to make a real day of it. Half Baked was an obvious knee-jerk reaction for me too, but I decided to go in a slightly different direction…

    @MattChi
    Many thanks!

    @porgins
    It was actually a toss-up between Donnie Darko and Memento when I sat down to write this. Excellent instincts, sir/ma’am.

  5. LSD = Pink Floyd’s The Wall

    Not only did I sit through the whole movie but I watched it twice in a row. Honestly, the final credits started to roll and I was like “I have to see that again”. So, I rewound the movie (yes, it was on VHS) and watched the whole thing over again. Amazing. I will never forget that night.

    Oh, and don’t do drugs. Or something. I guess.

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