A Very Unreal Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and Teej couldn’t sleep
His brain was outnumbered by too many sheep
He tossed and he turned, but to little avail
Then he sighed a long sigh as he slowly exhaled

“Harumph,” TJ muttered and glared at the ceiling
“An unconscious body sounds mighty appealing
It’s two in the morning and still I can’t slumber?
The Sandman is cruel, and he sure has my number”

With that, TJ grimaced and sauntered downstairs
While his folks and his siblings all slept, unaware
He lounged in the living room, sipping some scotch
And surfing through channels for something to watch

At three forty-seven his eyelids got droopy
(That tenth glass of Dewar’s had made his head loopy)
When next TJ managed to open his eyes
His psyche was in for a little surprise

For there at his feet stood a small little bloke
“Well, hello!” the man chirped. “About time you awoke
The crosswinds we need have been slightly improving
And dawn’s nearly breaking; we ought to start moving”

W-whaa…? pondered TJ, who glanced at his glass
This holiday’s starting to suck so much ass
First I can’t sleep a wink, now my dreams are weird too
Maybe playing along is the best I can do

TJ lurched to his feet as he reached for more scotch
“Very well, little man, let’s kick things up a notch
This isn’t the holiday eve I had planned
But if this stupid dream—whoa, hey! Wait a second. Are…are you that dude from Imaginationland??”

“I am!” said the man. “Yes, in fact, I’m the mayor
(You can probably tell by this hat that I wear)
Santa sent me tonight as your personal guide
So go put on some pants and let’s go for a ride!”

With that TJ followed the mayor to his blimp:
A vehicle fit for a steampunkish pimp
And after the two had climbed safely aboard
The mayor cleared his throat for a memorable chord


With a flash and a jolt, the pair swiftly arrived
In a land where the stuff in your head is alive
The mayor turned to Teej with a wink and a grin
“Are you ready, my boy? We’re about to begin

You enjoy TV shows that are character-driven
And this is the land where your favorites are livin’
Sit back, have a drink of that scotch, and relax
As we visit them here in their own habitats!”

Greendale, Colorado was first on their journey
To visit the live-action Bert and black Ernie
A paintballing war had been long underway
And before TJ left, he took part in the fray

Up next? Philadelphia: home of the sunny
(Plus an old, Irish dive that is hemorrhaging money)
Teej binged with the gang and arm-wrestled with Mac
Dodging “ocular pat-downs” and spin-kick attacks

Miami was chockfull of stalkings and stabbings
And blood slide retrievals and freelance throat-grabbings
Teej interned with Dexter, and helped with a kill
(He only unwrapped all the plastic, but still)

The next fabled land harbored dragons and ghosts
TJ peed in his pants when they neared Westeros
They watched from above while some battles ensued
That were caused by some dude (and perhaps a blood feud)

The blimp then traversed to a rundown old prison
Where outside Atlanta the dead had arisen
Teej hunted some walkers with Rick, Glenn, and Darryl
Then made awkward passes at Maggie and Carol

Indiana was next, so the Teej could shake hands
With perhaps the known world’s single-greatest known man
He bass-fished with Ron, who was moonshine-equipped
TJ’s chest grew more hair with each miniscule sip

The mayor wanted Tex-Mex; they swung toward the west
Where the heat is the worst and the meth is the best
TJ teamed up with Walter to cook up a batch
But Walter seemed moody and oddly detached

So they headed for beaches in retro-L.A.
Where lifeguards in orange kept their watch in the bays
Predictably, TJ pretended to drown
Just to make out with CJ (which didn’t go down)

Teej felt like nostalgia, and sure couldn’t wait
As they flew to a frat house at Blue Mountain State
He partied as if no tomorrow were close
(With the help of some undergrad’s Adderall dose)

The very last stop on the mayor’s deluxe tour
Was a house with faux countertops, cabinets, and floors
The Bluths lectured TJ on squandering wealth
And Tobias taught Teej about “blue-ing himself”

At last the mayor said, “I’m afraid we must leave
Because now it is Christmas (and not just the eve)
So join me in singing that glorious tune
And I’ll get you back home by the bright crack of noon

The next thing he knew, Teej was back on the couch
He rose from his doze in a relative slouch
And dabbed at the newly-formed puddle of scotch
That had spilled from his glass on the front of his crotch

“Merry Christmas, indeed,” huffed a voice from nearby
The birth of our Savior did not smell like rye”
TJ’s mother had caught a few whiffs of the booze
That had spilled on the couch in the midst of his snooze

“Uh…good morning, I guess. ‘Merry Christmas,’ then, too
TJ sighed. “It was only a nightcap, Mom, geez…Maybe two.”
“Well, at night,” his mom said. “For my own mental health
Sleep upstairs if you dream about ‘blue-ing’ yourself.”


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