Seinfeld on Crack: Six Comparable Supporting Characters from It’s Always Sunny

When I first heard about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, my buddy told me it was “kinda like Seinfeld, if Seinfeld were on crack.” That’s a damn appropriate description; seven seasons later, and I’m still addicted.

The IASIP team is awesome at turning relative minutiae into ridiculous narratives, but they always take their skewed brand of humor to the next level of offensiveness. And while plenty of comparisons have been made between the core characters of each show,  I can’t find much related coverage on all those subsidiary actors who act as plot-point springboards, leading episodes forward to their logical (if unsettling) conclusions.

As a huge fan of Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny, I’ve noticed a lot of similarities between certain character tropes over the years. Some are more striking than others, but things take a real turn when you throw a bit of Sunny Crack into the mix.

1)  Uncle Leo vs. Uncle Jack

“Jerry! Hello!” OK, how many of you just read that catchphrase in the ‘Uncle Leo’ voice? Trick question—the answer is “all of you.” Leo was a great character, embodying that semi-creepy older relative gifted with the power of making you instantly uncomfortable in their presence. He was extremely sensitive about certain social interactions (mainly greetings), yet didn’t find anything awkward about grabbing a person’s arm and pulling them in close to share the details of his latest bowel movement.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and you get someone a little more…well, rapier (no, I’m not talking about swords here). Uncle Leo might have been super annoying, but at least he was harmless. In It’s Always Sunny, we get some pretty goddamn heavy implications that Charlie’s Uncle Jack played with his “boy hole” when he was a kid; Charlie’s immediately standoffish whenever Uncle Jack makes an appearance. Shit, who could blame him? This guy’s so creepy he makes Roman Polanski look like Mary Poppins; his character just oozes “get the kids back in the house.” And while it sucks if Leo grabs your arm since it means getting stuck in tedious conversation for the next 20 minutes, Uncle Jack’s obsession with hands gets way more f***ed up once you figure out the context.

One of these shoulder touches is not like the other.

2)  David Puddy vs. Ben Smith

Newman is my all-time favorite Seinfeld character, but Puddy’s a close second. (This is mostly because of Patrick Warburton’s hulking persona, vacant stare, and uber-masculine delivery. If I could hire that man to call me every night and recite detailed instructions on how to assemble a roast beef sandwich, I would.) He’s not all that bright, but he’s a bro at heart, and Elaine’s totally into it. Well, depending on her mood.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and we’ve got Ben Smith (a.k.a. “Soldier of Fortune”), an American soldier who Dee (a.k.a. “Desert Rose”) meets over the internet. Like Puddy, Ben isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and he allows Dee to manipulate him with her blonde bitchery—at least for a while. Eventually Ben gets sick of Dee and dumps her, but not before delivering the most devastating insult of all time.

3) Newman vs. The McPoyles

As I mention above, Newman is arguably my favorite Seinfeld villain, and he made a great Lex Luthor to Jerry’s Superman. He was physically grotesque, diabolically sinister, and generally just a tremendous pain in Jerry’s ass. Off the top of my head, that articulate little troll was responsible for attracting fleas to Jerry’s apartment, ruining Super Bowl XXIX, and basically existing as an overall psychological nuisance. Plus I’m pretty sure he had sex with Kramer’s mom in that one episode. Gross.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and the grossness factor gets kicked up a few notches. Actually, make that a few dozen. The McPoyles are objectively disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise has lower physical standards than Lea Thompson in the 80s. These (probably inbred) siblings drink milk obsessively, wear bathrobes in public, and HOLY SHIT THEY MAKE ME SO GODDAMN UNCOMFORTABLE. The McPoyles harbor their own vendetta against the Gang, but only because Charlie and Co. thwarted their plan to cash in on some sweet pedophiliac settlement money by retro-accusing their former gym teacher of molestation. Sound like a f***ed up family so far? I haven’t even gotten to the incest. Yep, you don’t have be a Dot-Connecting Specialist to figure out that Liam, Ryan, and their deaf/mute/unibrowed sister have done some clammy, stomach-churning things with each other over the years.

Kill it with fire!

Trust me, whoever came up with phrases like “bumping uglies” or “doing the nasty” literally had these types of people in mind.

Oh, and sorry for the non sequitur, but you’ve got to see this if you haven’t already. I didn’t think it was possible, but Margaret McPoyle’s tongue thing is actually sexy in real life:

“…now let me blow ya mind.”

4)  Jillian (a.k.a. Man Hands) vs. Carmen (a.k.a. The Transsexual)

During Seinfeld’s eighth season, Jerry briefly dates a woman whose only flaw is “man hands” (i.e. exactly what the hell it sounds like). The physical comedy of the thing was hilarious, thanks largely to clever video editing.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and forget about the hands, man; why not go the whole nine…inches? IASIP initiated confusion boners everywhere during season one when they cast a hot chick as Mac’s transsexual love interest. I…I’m sorry, it’s just not easy to reconcile that crotch bulge with Brittany Daniel’s bozangas.

5) Susan Ross vs. Maureen Ponderosa

As a character, Susan Ross is mostly forgettable; there’s nothing particularly interesting to me about this woman’s persona beyond how she deals with George’s tomfoolery. But here are the important details: 1) George clearly isn’t Susan’s Mr. Right, 2) he immediately regrets proposing to her after doing so, looking for ways to end the relationship, and 3) under the right circumstance, nose-picking can drive a woman to lesbianism. Lucky for George, he inadvertently poisons his fiancé with cheapskatedness (and crappy wedding invitation envelopes), escaping from the relationship scot-free. Come to think of it, that season finale was a bit dark for Seinfeld.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and you’ve got Maureen Ponderosa on your hands. This was Dennis’s high school sweetheart, and in season six, he marries her on a whim. While George and Susan’s engagement lasts for an entire season, it only takes one episode for Dennis to realize his mistake (and how many brands of shit Maureen’s dead tooth smelled like, apparently). Sure, George had the awkward aftermath of Susan’s death to contend with, but at least he didn’t inherit $90,000 worth of debt in the process.

6)  Babu Bhatt vs. Rickety Cricket

Poor Babu. After a series of unfortunate coincidences, this guy loses a killing on his failed NYC restaurant and gets deported back to Pakistan. Oh, and he blames Jerry’s indirect influence for this entire turn of events.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and…actually, that transition fits perfect here. Babu’s situation pretty much sucked, but the man would have begged for deportation via Acme slingshot had he experienced a fraction of Cricket’s travesties. This Wikipedia entry sums up the Street Rat’s tribulations pretty well: “[D]ue to his involvement with the Gang, [Cricket] leaves the priesthood, supports himself by grifting or panhandling, becomes addicted to crack cocaine, has his legs broken by members of the Philadelphia mafia, has his throat severely injured by Frank in a wrestling match, and is hunted by Mac and Dennis for sport. He has since carried a vendetta against the Gang and attempts to get his revenge in various episodes, but consistently fails to do so.” Holy moley.

That last sentence is the saddest part, by the way. Babu at least got the satisfaction of watching Jerry get his comeuppance (i.e., a year in prison), but so far Cricket’s still somewhere in the middle of his perpetual downward spiral. I’d almost feel bad for the guy if it weren’t so goddamn funny to watch.