Seinfeld on Crack: Six Comparable Supporting Characters from It’s Always Sunny

When I first heard about It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, my buddy told me it was “kinda like Seinfeld, if Seinfeld were on crack.” That’s a damn appropriate description; seven seasons later, and I’m still addicted.

The IASIP team is awesome at turning relative minutiae into ridiculous narratives, but they always take their skewed brand of humor to the next level of offensiveness. And while plenty of comparisons have been made between the core characters of each show,  I can’t find much related coverage on all those subsidiary actors who act as plot-point springboards, leading episodes forward to their logical (if unsettling) conclusions.

As a huge fan of Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny, I’ve noticed a lot of similarities between certain character tropes over the years. Some are more striking than others, but things take a real turn when you throw a bit of Sunny Crack into the mix.

1)  Uncle Leo vs. Uncle Jack

“Jerry! Hello!” OK, how many of you just read that catchphrase in the ‘Uncle Leo’ voice? Trick question—the answer is “all of you.” Leo was a great character, embodying that semi-creepy older relative gifted with the power of making you instantly uncomfortable in their presence. He was extremely sensitive about certain social interactions (mainly greetings), yet didn’t find anything awkward about grabbing a person’s arm and pulling them in close to share the details of his latest bowel movement.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and you get someone a little more…well, rapier (no, I’m not talking about swords here). Uncle Leo might have been super annoying, but at least he was harmless. In It’s Always Sunny, we get some pretty goddamn heavy implications that Charlie’s Uncle Jack played with his “boy hole” when he was a kid; Charlie’s immediately standoffish whenever Uncle Jack makes an appearance. Shit, who could blame him? This guy’s so creepy he makes Roman Polanski look like Mary Poppins; his character just oozes “get the kids back in the house.” And while it sucks if Leo grabs your arm since it means getting stuck in tedious conversation for the next 20 minutes, Uncle Jack’s obsession with hands gets way more f***ed up once you figure out the context.

One of these shoulder touches is not like the other.

2)  David Puddy vs. Ben Smith

Newman is my all-time favorite Seinfeld character, but Puddy’s a close second. (This is mostly because of Patrick Warburton’s hulking persona, vacant stare, and uber-masculine delivery. If I could hire that man to call me every night and recite detailed instructions on how to assemble a roast beef sandwich, I would.) He’s not all that bright, but he’s a bro at heart, and Elaine’s totally into it. Well, depending on her mood.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and we’ve got Ben Smith (a.k.a. “Soldier of Fortune”), an American soldier who Dee (a.k.a. “Desert Rose”) meets over the internet. Like Puddy, Ben isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, and he allows Dee to manipulate him with her blonde bitchery—at least for a while. Eventually Ben gets sick of Dee and dumps her, but not before delivering the most devastating insult of all time.

3) Newman vs. The McPoyles

As I mention above, Newman is arguably my favorite Seinfeld villain, and he made a great Lex Luthor to Jerry’s Superman. He was physically grotesque, diabolically sinister, and generally just a tremendous pain in Jerry’s ass. Off the top of my head, that articulate little troll was responsible for attracting fleas to Jerry’s apartment, ruining Super Bowl XXIX, and basically existing as an overall psychological nuisance. Plus I’m pretty sure he had sex with Kramer’s mom in that one episode. Gross.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and the grossness factor gets kicked up a few notches. Actually, make that a few dozen. The McPoyles are objectively disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise has lower physical standards than Lea Thompson in the 80s. These (probably inbred) siblings drink milk obsessively, wear bathrobes in public, and HOLY SHIT THEY MAKE ME SO GODDAMN UNCOMFORTABLE. The McPoyles harbor their own vendetta against the Gang, but only because Charlie and Co. thwarted their plan to cash in on some sweet pedophiliac settlement money by retro-accusing their former gym teacher of molestation. Sound like a f***ed up family so far? I haven’t even gotten to the incest. Yep, you don’t have be a Dot-Connecting Specialist to figure out that Liam, Ryan, and their deaf/mute/unibrowed sister have done some clammy, stomach-churning things with each other over the years.

Kill it with fire!

Trust me, whoever came up with phrases like “bumping uglies” or “doing the nasty” literally had these types of people in mind.

Oh, and sorry for the non sequitur, but you’ve got to see this if you haven’t already. I didn’t think it was possible, but Margaret McPoyle’s tongue thing is actually sexy in real life:

“…now let me blow ya mind.”