Nike’s Self-tying Sneakers are Incredibly Ridiculous

As an adult, you all know how annoying it is to tie your own shoes? No? Well, Nike says it’s a problem anyway, which is why we now have the wacky, futuristic and what-even-are-these-things HyperAdapt sneakers. Coming sometime in 2019 and costing a staggering $350, the HyperAdapt is essentially an electronic shoe that can tie itself with just the press of a button. Of course, this means that you’ll have to charge your sneakers every couple of weeks (which is such an insane statement to write), but that’s a small price to pay for saving yourself a few seconds every morning by not physically tying your own laces.

First off, the whirring sound the shoes make when lacing up is not at all different to an electric drill noise, which is straight-up unnecessary and unhelpful in the morning. Secondly, the design is… okay? They look a bit similar to a pair of Dad sneakers from New Balance but with pretty blue lights on the sole and at the back, so it’s got something going for it.

This is how Nike describes the HyperAdapt: “Step into a shoe that comes to life when you put it on. It lights up. It senses you. It adjusts to the shape of your foot and activity in real time. You run, it runs. You jump, it jumps. It’s a revolution disguised as a robot, disguised as a self-lacing shoe.” So… basically it’s a revolutionary robot shoe that runs when you run. Got it.

In typical corporate America fashion, creators of the Nike HyperAdapt, Tinker Hatfield and Tiffany Beers, drone on and on and on about the sneaker’s world-shattering aspect and how it’s the future of shoes, but calm down guys, it’s just a self-tying sneaker, not a rocket ship to Mars. Also, nicknaming it E.A.R.L (Electric Adaptable Reaction Lacing) actually makes me a bit sad inside.

Of course, Nike already had a go at making self-tying shoes when it released a limited edition of the Back to the Future II shoes (one of many amazing predictions in the film) called the Nike MAG, but it appears as if the HyperAdapt is here to stay, well, unless they are a colossal failure and don’t sell. It’s not as if Nike is incapable of making cool new things these days, as Flyleather is an amazing sustainable concept that’s made from 50% recycled materials, and even the spectacle frames it makes are pretty decent, but settling for “good enough” has clearly never been a motto for a giant company such as Nike, so one has to respect that – just not these sneakers, you get no respect.

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