Let’s Cast the Live Action Venture Bros. Movie!

Let me be the first to say this right out of the gate: I never ever never ever want to see a live action Venture Bros. movie.

As much as it pains my old back to say it, I’m very partial to my animated programs: they’re only bound to the budget in matters of paint and ink, and that means that “the sky’s the limit” when it comes to creative storytelling. Still, we all know how Hollywood works – if it can make a buck, then why not try it? – so I like to prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best.

Cartoon Network’s mega-hit, the Venture Bros., is one such property that one day might find itself heading in the direction of some lavish, big-budget disaster – should Doc Hammer and friends ever sell out – and if that day arrives, I put it to you:

Who would you like to see as the major players?

I gave it some thought, and here are my two cents. Feel free to take me to task or offer up your own in the talkbacks.

I miss Brock. I really do. He was the heart and soul of the Venture body in those first few seasons, and while he’s still around in mostly cameo-style appearances I wish he’d come back into the fold. Could any actor produce a star-turn that’d do Brock Sampson justice? My money would be on Dwayne Johnson, aka (or is that fka?) ‘The Rock.’ He certainly has the physique. He’s also working on his acting chops.Throw in some manic intensity, and we have a winner.

I really, really, really struggled with Dr. Venture. My first inspiration was Nicolas Cage whose features kinda/sorta lend themselves to the lanky scientist. But hearing that all-too-familiar Cage drawl mixing with science? I just don’t hear it. Instead, I’d offer up Mr. Reliable, Bruce Willis. Bruce never quite gets the praise he deserves in handling comedy; go back and look at some of his early work, and it’s quite clear that he knows how to handle the funny stuff. Plus, he just might “get” it whereas Cage would want to know Venture’s “motivation.” Ugh.

The Monarch was another bone of contention for me personally, mostly because I had some trouble figuring out who can handle that incessantly nasal, high pitched delivery … and then it came to me, of course. Steve Carell. Physically, he isn’t known for broad comedy, but that could be because that’s not really his thing. He’s dabbled with it enough, though, and I’d like to see someone who could match up comically against Willis as Dr. Venture, so I’m sticking with that.

Dr. Girlfriend is such a throwaway role. That may be a bit controversial for me to say as a quick Google search for pictures revealed just how many ‘artists’ out there like to draw her in some measure of disrobing. (Not that there’s anything wrong with it …) However, it’s bugged me for reasons I can’t quite figure out since the Venture Bros. began that Dr. Girlfriend’s a dead ringer for Monica Lewinsky. (You young Turks can Google her for details.) I don’t know that Monica’s a tried-and-true Thespian, but, from what I’ve been told, every girl can act.

There are some characters that, when they speak, I’m literally rolling on the couch. (Just ask my wife.) Brak – from either The Brak Show or Space Ghost Coast to Coast – is one of them. Brak could be reading the phone book, and I’d be laughing myself silly. Another one is Dr. Orpheus, and it takes a rare comedic genius to truly understand the balance of mysticism and lunacy at the heart of the character. My vote goes out to Jim Carrey. He’s certainly got the vocal range to pull off an Orpheus, and a return to his legitimate comic roots might be good for his career.

I don’t much care for Sergeant Hatred. Every now and then, he gets a decent scene or some respectable dialogue, but following in the mighty shoes of Brock Sampson is an awful place for any animated character to be. Still, he’s a unique character with some – ahem – unique requirements, and, were it up to me, I’d look no further than John Goodman to put on the helmet. And the man-bra. Goodman’s had an impressive career playing some memorable characters, and I think he could serve up a Hatred even I could get excited about. (Not that way …)

Of course, when you get to the actual “brothers” in the Venture Bros. the waters get a bit murky. I found it hard to come up with a handful of names when I was tinkering on my own, and that’s because I couldn’t quite think of enough young’uns to put in Column A or Column B. Both boys are, essentially, nitwits in their own rights, but matching a real face with a fictional face isn’t always easy.

Jay Baruchel is one of those faces that tends to mold itself on to whatever social misfit he plays. He understands comic presence and timing. While he might seem a bit old, I think he’s still at that point that he can play younger than what he truly is … so long as we get this thing before the camera in the next few years, that is. I’d cast him as Dean in a heartbeat.

If you watch HBO’s True Blood and you watched it from the beginning, then you know that Ryan Kwanten plays “cluelessness” like nobody’s business. He just screams ‘Hank Venture’ to me. He’d have to cut his hair into the close-cropped bowl cut so famous on Hank, but methinks he could handle the general doofusness and silliness without a problem.

As is often the case, there are easily dozens of other characters that’d have to either have a moment or make an appearance, but I didn’t want to spoil all of the fun. Take a few minutes, figure out your own live-action cast, and lemme know what you think.

Go Team Venture!