Kitten Mittens: The Five Greatest Things That USED TO Exist ONLY In The Always Sunny In Philadelphia’s World

A guest post by Charlie Day

Whun eye was Furst askded if I wantd to wrote an story for Unreal-Tea I told them ovur and ovru, me not gud at nmaking wurds. Nd on topof dat, I reeely dont no a gud deal aboat tee. Then They fired me. Still tho, I thoght it mite be kewl if I jiust keeeeep showig up for werrk everyd ay untul sum1 actooally re-muves me. so WUt do you kids know about sniffing gloo?

(At this point, we had to have Charlie physically removed from our office, at which point, in all the madness, something fell from his pocket. He scares us a bit, so we didn’t say anything and just went and grabbed it. It was a single pair of “kitten mittens” looking brand new. I grabbed them and walked them over to Paul’s office.)

Paul, I felt like even if the Charlie Day thing did not work out, I could still throw together a list of stuff like this (holds up kitten mittens) just to show the pure level of absurd creativity on display by those cretins down at Paddy’s pub? Plus, do you realize how many of the inventions and ideas on this list are real things now? Could be worth exploring.

Paul grumbled and shifted in his seat a bit, and then gave me the greenlight. I like this show so much I write songs for it, so you can only imagine how happy I am right now. I am happier than Cricket getting handy from Sweet Dee. Anyway, the following are the coolest “inventions” that we used to only see on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Now we see some of them in the real life, too, further convincing me my life is a movie and I’ve been dead for years.

Kitten Mittens

The noise a cat makes when it is walking is like listening to a fat guy move a bookcase.

First off, I know Charlie calls them “kitten mittons” but that is because he is illiterate, and I already killed that joke in that intro. Plus, let’s none of us pretend these are not (slightly cruel) awesome, and just seeing a cat trying so hard to walk is funny to me. It’s like, hey, you got slippers on now, why are you reacting like you walked through shit, shaking your paws with each step?  I like kitten mittens because it teaches the cat a zen-like level patience. Also, it is f*cking hilarious, as are  most of the inventions in this show. Which is exactly why I love it.

But wouldn’t you know, you can order these off of Etsy now. How insane is that?

Lethal Weapon 5

They did too many things right for any of this to be considered wrong.

So that gang took it upon themselves to write. star in, and direct the Lethal Weapon 5 movie they always wanted. And as much as the whole thing (obviously) goes off the tracks pretty quick, the weirdest thing here is just how right they got it. To this day, if I am asked which Lethal Weapon is my favorite, I slap the person asking me, because that is a dumb question. But once they grab their face and look shocked, I tell them part 5 because I found Frank’s villain to be both greasy and terrifying.

Most people cock their heads and look at me strange, and that is fine by me. That is when I fart and make an epic exit. Here, see for yourself:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMp-K5Ff_Ec

Best action movie since Shoot ‘Em up.

Milk Steak

Unless you have eaten a steak boiled in milk before, HOW DARE YOU CONDEMN US?

All we know about milk steak is Charlie wrote it down as his favorite food while on the dating website, and when he later met that date, he ordered it (as seen above) for his entree. So what is milk steak? What do you think it is? It is a f*cking steak, boiled in milk. It sounds like they sat around on the set one day, coming up with food ideas that just sounded insane and nasty, and milk steak stuck (like, honestlty, I eat ANTYING and that shit sounds inedible to me) but the reality, yet again, is that life mirrors art:

How to make your very own milksteak. Vomit bucket needed nearby.

Dick Towel

Scoff if you like, the reality is, this one ACTUALLY exists.

So, um, if for whatever reason, you feel compelled to order a towel that has a massive (or tiny) penis on it, just click here. You see, people are starting to realize just how brilliant some of the ideas on the show are, and are immediately running off and making them.  While we all may way y scoff upon the initial idea’s of these things, there is a juvenile brilliance to this towel. And fret not, there are versions for girls that rock a massive bush instead of an extended wang, so no one is left out. Equal opportunity sexy zaniness at its finest.

Truth is, I kinda want a dick towel, if for no other reason than to see my lady’s reaction that first time I come out of the bathroom rocking it.

(Editor’s note: At this point, Charlie had actually snuck back in the office in a  security guard outfit, and we thought it would be more fun if we just acted like we didn’t know. He fumbled around for a bit, and then asked if he could check out the article we were working on. We told him “Yes, ofcourse” and he sat down and began hammering on the keys, thinking we all had no clue it was him. The following is what we discovered on that computer after he got up and ran out the room, crying.)

Tha Greeen Man

Editor’s note: This is utterly mesmerizing to me, I can’t lie.

Du Folkes evun no how Impotent the greeen man is for Philly fans? I am, I meen, um, HE is sooper impotent for getting people exsited aboot Philly sportz stuff. Like, seeng him makes othur peepul get weigh mor exsited aboot the sportz stuffs they see when he is thuer, doing his sexi-ass danse moovs. A newspapist once sed: Green man is like sunshine on a raaney day for out doorz sportz. That is, like, a serius qkote. Sum even SA that Greeen man haz the powerz of Jesus Chr…..

(Editor’s note: We cannot publish anymore of what he wrote than that, because we are genuinely concerned that, if all our readers begin to attempt to read how Charlie Day writes, they may just get stupid and stupider, without even knowing it. We just can’t do that to you in all fairness. Truth be told, though, Charlie is kind of right on this one. The green man has gone on to become a staple at sporting events, especially in Philly. So we may laugh all we want, but this show ends up doing things that become part of pop culture. How many shows can you say that about? (Seinfeld, cough cough).

Honorable Inventions:

I will leave it up to you guys for this one. What cool It’s Always Sunny inventions and ideas did I miss? Sorry, hard to get all my work done huffing all this glue out of a bag with Charlie right now. Yeah, he’s hiding under my desk. Shit just got mad weird.

” Huff the Magic Dragon, lived in Phil-Ly.!”

All satire aside for a moment, wrote a piece over here, aimed at the parents of young children. I think it is important, and would appreciate if you would pass it along to all young parents you know. Our future thanks you for it, and so do I.