Another Take On The Whole The Walking Dead Third Season Finale Totally Sucking

The Walking Dead 1.1 Days Gone By Behind The Scenes Andrew Lincoln

Unreality Mag’s investigative reporting team has spared no expense in obtaining the following document alleged to be a production memo from an AMC creative executive (known only as ‘DV’) to Robert Kirkman (referred to in this memo as ‘RK’). After further review of these “helpful suggestions,” it becomes increasingly clear that the fiasco that’s become known as “the totally sucking Walking Dead Season Three finale” might be in large part due to unnecessary tinkering on the part of someone who’s best left unnamed.

The memo begins:

Great, great, great set-up to the finale, RK. Merle? Dead? WhoTF saw that coming! Killed by his brother? I just hung up with Rooker’s agent. Was he pissed! You know what DeMille said: f**k him if he can’t take a joke.

And it looks like Andrea’s finally gonna take one for Team Rick now that she’s cuffed to a chair. Any way of spacing that out into an entire episode (two? three?) but give it more of a Pretty Woman vibe? Kinda like what you did with LJ [Lennie James]? (Brilliant follow-up, less the craycray bits. NAACP won’t stop calling, f**king thank you very much.)

Say the word and I’ll get LH’s [Laurie Holden] people in the loop. Think it over.

As you know, I’ve made it clear I don’t wanna piss in your sandbox. (LOL) All the network asks is I offer up suggestions to make the program more relatable for the 17-45 demo and the 63+ crowd. (As usual, the 46-62’s can go f**k themselves because no one ever made a God**n dime off those misers.) It’d be nice – if you could – to get a kinda/sorta/maybe Team Carl going next season? That’d open us up the youth crowd. Maybe open up some marketing opportunities for CR [Chandler Riggs]. Not that I wanna see that face on a lunchbox. Just saying. But maybe a Carl Plushie or something.

Anyway, AMC brass are putting the stick to me about your ‘plans’ to kill off the Governor.
Hear me out.


Word is DM [David Morrissey] is a shoe-in for an MTV Award and some Nickelodeon bull##it. DM’s reps just got wind that Hugo Boss (yes, THE f**king Hugo Boss) is interested in print-modeling some designer eyepatches for the Apocalypse. (Don’t ask. I didn’t.) Sounds like total sh*t to me, so don’t shoot the messenger. Plus DD, OL, and HW [AMC executives?] think the Gov’s the only one who can really empathize with people who fire showrunners. It’s a small (very small) segment of your established viewing audience. Go figure.
So instead of maybe killing him, why not just give him a few days off? (My kid sister teaches kindergarten, they have this thing called ‘time outs’?) Let him think about what he’s done, come back all touchy-feeling with a big Emmy speech? “I regret this, I regret that, God forgive me” blah blah. Not full-blown Dr. Phil, but you get the idea.

Maybe have him and his boys roll up on the prison, go all Stallone in The Expendables but nobody’s home. Then they can go into the dark, somebody can throw out some flashbangs, and then they go all Stallone in Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot and run for the hills? Gov can then go all Stallone like in Rocky 3 and be like ‘Mickey? Mickey? Don’t die, Mickey!’ Soften him up a bit. Bring a tear to the eyes of every lady watching the program. Think it over.

Oh, yeah, and overnights show that The Bible mini is catching fire faster than a burning bush. Can you work in the scriptures? That legless old f**k – Herbie, Herschel, what’s his name? Didn’t he have a Bible? (TLC shopped something called ‘Prison Convert Lovechild’ last June so I’m guessing there ought to be plenty of Bibles behind bars.) Maybe drop the whole ‘Rick is losing his mind’ angle, have the legless cripple experience flashbacks to Noah or the Great Flood? Maybe start speaking in tongues? Seriously, anything to give a shout to the spirit-mongers is probably worth a point or three with Nielsens.

The Walking Dead - Season 3, Episode 1 - Photo Credit: Gene Page/AMC

For the record, that prison set really set us back some serious scratch in f**king gray paint alone. Any way to keep it for another season? OL says you can dress it up like a submarine for all AMC cares but make it work. You say the word, and I’ll put out the call to see if you can maybe use MM [Mad Men, another AMC program] sets on weekends when they’re not shooting. (I slept with some Linda in their craft services.) Maybe we could even get Hamm to do a walk-on. Why not? He’s got the f**king range of a f**king zombie? (LOL)

And would it be too much to (finally) work in some pets next season? I’m still eating sh*t for what you pulled with that horse in Atlanta. Legal wants me to get PETA off our #sses. Doesn’t have to be a dog or a cat. Maybe a lizard or something less cuddly. A ferret? Turtle?

Like I said, I’m not gonna piss in your sandbox.

Yours truly,

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  1. [snickers like Muttley]

    Yeah, I kind of fear for season 4. Moving everybody into the prison was a poor idea with no positive storytelling possibilities that I can see and no way to utilize the awesomeness of the comic unless they turn the prison in Alexandria (and I don’t think they should). Given this, they’d better come up with some dynamite storylines or I may not be around for season 5.

  2. I do think the biggest problem is uncreative, unoriginal, micromanaging, money-hungry executives having all the power over the creative people. Kirkman may have been better off going on Kickstarter and funding the show himself then hiring the people he wants and selling his final product.

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