If you read my review of Prometheus on Monday, you know that I wasn’t a fan. To me, it’s another “what could have been” from Ridley Scott, who has been making those kind of films since Gladiator. And don’t get me started on the director’s cut of Kingdom of Heaven that everyone thinks is the second coming.
Unfortunately in the review, as I was trying to avoid spoilers, I wasn’t able to pinpoint the exact moments in which the film went awry. As such, I’ve compiled them here for anyone who has seen the movie already and would like to compare notes.
I am NOT the type of person to nitpick a movie to death after I see it, but these things jumped out at me as I was watching, meaning they’re pretty damn obvious. There were so many moments that were badly written, completely altered the tone of the film, or just flat out didn’t make sense. Here are eighteen I thought of as the movie played, in mostly chronological order:
1. The most advanced raced in the galaxy stores their incredibly dangerous biological weapon in unlocked jars that sit out in the open?
2. Sticky goo we don’t recognize? Let’s touch it! Air we haven’t fully examined? Let’s breathe it! Severed alien head that may well be the only preserved one in human history? Let’s electrocute it until it explodes!
“Let’s taste it just to be sure.”
3. Mankind has just made the most significant discovery in the history of time, physical proof that aliens exist, and Charlie gets drunk because they’re all dead and can’t talk to him.
4. Vickers is very proud of her limited edition auto-surgery booth that she keeps in her quarters, yet it only works on males.
5. David poisons Charlie with the black goo for…what purpose exactly? To teach him a lesson about trying to be a bro AND a scientist? Not cool, bro.
6. No one seems to care when mohawk guy and glasses guy get lost in the Engineer’s black goo silo. They also have a three dimensional map of the entire complex with pings showing them exactly where they are, yet still somehow get lost.
Also: “I flew halfway across the galaxy as a security officer/geologist for a trillion dollar mission, but I’m too scared to see what’s behind this alien door.”
7. Biology glasses guy was chosen for his knowledge in the field above everyone else on earth, and treats the first contact with a living alien species like he’s playing with a kitten. And of course it kills him.
8. Despite glasses guy having a snake tendril rammed down his throat like what happened to the Engineer at the end, nothing ever bursts out of his torso.
9. Mohawk guy meanwhile, inexplicably turns into a frog zombie after touching the goo.
10. Vickers allegedly sleeps with the captain on a whim, completely contradicting everything we’ve seen about her character, and it’s never mentioned a single time again for the rest of the film.
“Hey didn’t we just…?” “Nope.” “But…” “Nope.”
11. Vickers is kept out of the loop about her father’s plan, and has no real authority over David. Her father is on board the whole time, so her role as a supervisor is useless as well. Why is her character even there?
12. Shaw assaults the crew, performs autosurgery on herself and no one even brings it up once she’s seen again.
13. The entire purpose of the first funded mission to find extraterrestrial life is because a 200 year old man doesn’t want to die? Why didn’t he just spend a trillion dollars trying to invent new medical advances on earth instead? Probably better odds than hoping you find an alien who’s feeling generous with the gift of eternal life.
14. The wise and benevolent Engineer’s first act when he wakes up is to beat everyone to death like a caveman.
“Save me, my child!”
15. David proceeds to have his head carried around like he’s a long lost member of the Addams Family. It was creepy in the original Alien when the severed android head spat out white goo and revealed his true intentions, here it was just goofy.
16. The captain and his crew members approach a suicide missions with the enthusiasm one might a particularly fun rollercoaster, hands up and all.
17. Vickers does not know how to run sideways to avoid a giant rolling alien ship.
18. After seeing an Engineer beat her entire crew into dust without any provocation, after acquiring a spaceship, Shaw wants to go to their planet to ask them why they’re so mad at us. That should go well.
UPDATE: Red Letter Media has all my complaints and more: