Six Tips for Creating the Perfect Superhero Movie

#4 Don’t ever, EVER include an awkward superhero dance scene

Good Christ, I can’t believe I have to address this specific issue. Some crazy shit happens in comic books, there’s no question about that. But as a superhero movie maker, it’s your job to select the most important elements of a protagonist’s saga and translate it to the big screen. I sure don’t have time or patience for the research, but I don’t care how often (if at all) superheroes dance throughout their paperback-edition storylines—that’s cutting room floor stuff in my book. I understand this sort of comic relief humanizes the characters somewhat, depending on the context, and I still don’t care. Superheroes get the “super” part in their name because they’re supposed to be superior to the rest of us, and decidedly more badass. There’s nothing superior about this:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOtpeYERu9w&feature=related

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRPoiTHMuzc&feature=related

Double time, indeed, Mr. Maguire. This scene is so awful, I get heart palpitations just thinking about it. First of all, I understand that the alien symbiote attached to Peter essentially brings out his dark side, and Peter’s such a genuinely nice guy that his version of dark is literal clothing choices and a new talent for impromptu jazz. And yeah, the writer/director must have wanted to illustrate the lengths this new “evil Peter” would go just to get under Mary Jane’s skin. But nobody involved with the script had a better idea than three full minutes of Peter being an irredeemably douchy asshole? Here, I just rewrote the entire jazz club scene is one minute, and I already know it’s better:

PETER PARKER grimly strides over to MARY JANE, exuding a subtle air of grim confidence. Smiling grimly, he points over his shoulder to GWEN STACY, who is exuding inappropriate amounts of cleavage.

PETER

Hey, break a leg up there. Just wanted to let you know I plan on being inside that chick in four hours. Maybe three.

MARY JANE

Her?! But I—

PETER

Facepunch!!

PETER PARKER evilly punches MARY JANE in her stupid face, knocking her unconscious.

END SCENE

(click to watch the scene described below)

I dearly desire a glimpse inside the head of whoever specifically wrote this scene. Hmm, the point of this scene is to take the altruistic Reed Richards out of his element and get him to misbehave a little. Cause some mischief. Whoa, what if he caused some mischief with his powers of stretch?? Club scenes are hip and super duper original, so maybe he could go out to a club and use sexy, 20-foot-long limbs to pick up chicks! This fits so organically into the plot that it almost writes itself!

Yeah, yeah, it was Johnny Storm and Boulder Boy who encouraged Reed to loosen up and act out in the first place. But you know what else they could have encouraged him to do instead? How about drunken bungee jumping with his arms wrapped around a gaggle of topless chicks? What about constructing a human slingshot and firing rotten pumpkins at Montreal? This is just off the top of my head!

Yes, it appears even Iron Man can get in on this stupefying action. Couldn’t find an embed for the party scene in this turd of a sequel, but rest assured, he dances. The only reason I’ll allow it is because Stark’s also shitfaced at the time, so it actually makes sense.

Nothing to see here, actually. Just a mid-relapsing Robert Downey, Jr.

This last one might not technically be a dance scene, but there’s music, Ben Affleck catches Jennifer Garner in his arms at one point, and it’s all horrible—that’s dancy enough for me.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJlwo9iZO-w&feature=related

#5 Embrace the Dark Side

This is yet another personal bias of mine, and one that depends on the genre, but I’m rarely fond of happy movie endings. I’m all for the escapism, but that’s just not how real life works. For this reason, I’m often drawn to dark comedies and horror films; the latter can offer a dismal, gritty realism that is altogether satisfying—if sometimes jarring—as a movie-goer (particularly those of the European variety).

Does this mean I’m looking for a “gritty” reboot? Of course not. To step outside the superhero realm a tad, the world does not need a PG-13 version of another children’s fairy tale. Granted, I haven’t seen last year’s Red Riding Hood (nor do I plan to), but whatever drugs the people who green-lit this were on, I don’t have any.

“Ha ha, you’re on, Crazy Pete! There’s no way people will pay to see a two-hour long movie based on a shitty board game from the 1930s and also aliens. Double or nothing says Liam Neeson turns you down in a week!”

The bleak themes in Batman Begins work because they’re organic to Batman’s overall character and storyline. Christopher Nolan nailed it, and the only reason his Batman seems gritty is because of how ridiculous the movie’s immediate predecessors look in comparison.

Personally, I think the success of a dark superhero film rests heavily on writing and character development. Troubled, emotionally damaged characters are inherently more complex, but the execution of their on-screen portrayal can mean the difference between Dark Knight and Jonah Hex (which had tons of wasted potential).

#6 Give your villains some decent motivation

Villains need good backstories too, and legitimate reasons for giving their protagonist counterparts so many headaches. Revenge and “I’m gonna go steal me some money” tend to be some of the more popular motivations behind a lot of our favorite baddies, but for the love of God, Hollywood, try to work in some logic a little more often. I’ll leave you with one good example of what to avoid:

In Iron Man 2, physicist and ex-con Ivan Vanko is our main bad guy. Here is an explanation of his grudge against Tony Stark, according to Wikipedia: “Vanko is the son of [Tony’s] father’s old partner, Anton Vanko. Anton collaborated with Howard on the first arc reactor, but was deported to his native Soviet Union following his attempts to profit from the technology and died in poverty, explaining Vanko’s desire for revenge on the Stark family.”

That seems like a pretty weak premise for all that sparkly whip violence, and I don’t recall much of an explanation for Vanko’s motives in the movie itself. I’m not sure it would even help much if I were a die-hard Iron Man fan, since this Vanko is an amalgamation of two separate characters (Whiplash and Crimson Dynamo). From what I remember, the movie’s sequence of events went something like this: 1) An old man dies. 2) Mickey Rourke screams hideously at the ceiling. 3) Revenge…?

“WE HAVE THE WORST HEALTH COVERAAAAAAAGE!!!”

Hmm, now that I’m giving this article a final once-over, it seems entirely possible that I’m one of those persnickety assholes who will never be 100% pleased with any one movie. No matter. Acceptance that you have a problem is step #1 on the path to change, so I’ll move on to step #2: writing, directing, and starring in my own superhero movie called Time Hopper: Genesis. It’s about an anthropomorphic samurai frog that gets incepted by God and travels through time to assassinate Adam in the Garden of Eden. The tagline: “If this frog’s in your throat, that’s only because he punched his way in.” All right, angel investors, who’s with me?