5 Classic Movies I Couldn’t Trick Myself Into Liking

Lawrence of Arabia

Here’s the thing about this movie: it’s long, and that’s not a big deal.  Blue is the Warmest Color is like 6 hours long, and that movie is amazing.  And it’s not like it’s boring or badly paced – for a 4 hour movie, Lawrence of Arabia has remarkably little fat.  The scope is epic, the scenery is amazing, and it’s a testament to grand storytelling.  So what’s my beef?

The dialogue.  I watched this movie about three years ago, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen so little actually said with so many words.  Check out the following scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZQAHJawdZ0

It’s so… stilted.  Especially after a few hours, it just starts to wash over you.  I had to constantly remind myself to pay attention, which isn’t, you know, a good sign when it comes to enjoying a movie.

Full Metal Jacket

Look, this movie is quotable as hell, and in a historical context, it’s incredibly important, and R. Lee Ermey delivered a knockout performance, etc.  There’s no doubt this is a classic movie with some great moving parts.  I just didn’t think the story was that great.  It has a bunch of great scenes, but, especially after they leave base camp, it kind of falls apart into a number of disconnected set pieces.  The lack of character development made it hard to care about the hapless misfits we meet in base camp, even as the larger narrative of Vietnam happens around them.  That, in turn, makes each scene feel like a self-contained 10 minute play – interesting, compelling, but story-wise, message-wise – lacking something.

I’ll watch these scenes over and over, but I doubt I’ll watch the full movie again.

The Big Lebowski

I admit I’m out on limb here, but this dovetails nicely into the first part of my article, where I pointed out that the context in which you watch a movie has just as much impact on your enjoyment of it as the content of the movie itself.  See, for me, it was That One Friend.  You know the guy I’m talking about – he’s seen The Big Lebowski 50 times, endlessly quotes it, and if you happen to mention that he’s never seen it, will bug you, relentlessly, until you do, and then when you do, quote the lines as they’re happening on screen.

I don’t care what movie it is.  It could be freaking Casablanca.  No one can enjoy a movie under those circumstances.

And, given the bad environment in which I watched it, is it any surprise that to me, it seemed like someone filmed 3/4 of a pretty standard farce, then filled the last quarter with scintillating, witty scenes that seem to be from another movie entirely?

Jaws

The problem with Jaws is that it’s too emulated.  It’s a film that was basically credited with inventing the summer blockbuster, and its themes, plot devices, artistic style, and voice are some of the basic ingredients in every single big-budget movie out there, right now.

So much so, that if you go and watch Jaws right now, it feels like a parody of itself.

Watching that, it’s like you’re waiting for the punchline.

Context is a hell of a thing.

Once Upon a Time in the West

I’ll be the first to admit that my (lack of) attention span can be my downfall, but holy hell is this movie slow.  It’s over-cooked, a mess of style and metaphor, and though it’s easy on the eyes and ears, it takes “building tension” to an absurd degree.  It’s technically brilliant, looks gorgeous even after all these years, and I was bored to tears watching it.  But it’s a classic Western.  So I tell people I like it.