Name: Mr. Johnson (snicker)

Movie: The Transporter 3

Occupation: “Obtainer of Results”

Interests: Magnetic bracelet bombs, hacking military satellites, kidnapping, extortion, horribly conceived plans

Dislikes: Other people talking

Why he’s our bastard: Well, he’s not our bastard for almost plunging a knife into Frank Martin’s face, (although if he had succeeded there might be a chance we wouldn’t be subjected to The Transporter 4). We hate him because his ludicrous plan was the premise for this movie, which was possibly the worst action flick I’ve seen since well, The Transporter 2.

The problem is this, and see if you can explain it to me Johnson. You kidnap a girl to make her influential father sign a contract, but why do you need to drive the girl all the way across Europe after you snatch her up? You could easily tell the father, “pick her up here” after he signed, or if you really did want to bring her all the way to him (because you’re just that nice), you could have just done it yourself, since you appear both at point A and point B in the film complete with four SUVs full of mercenaries who probably would have made pretty good guards.

But no, you have to leave it in the hands of a morally confused driver who hates you because you just killed his protege for failing to complete the same job. Oh also, he’s seemingly immune to both physical injury and the laws of gravity. You totally deserved the ass kicking you got Johnson. Oh sorry, *spoiler alert*

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCzuDNIKua8

Here’s another speed run for ya; this time it’s Metal Gear for the original NES.  I remember this game being painfully difficult, but whoever is playing makes it look simple.  There’s no cheats or codes, either.  Sh*t starts to get real at 3:46, when Snake starts splitting wigs.

Name: Cyd “Codex” Sherman

Show: The Guild

Occupation: Former child violin prodigy, now just…old

Interests: Questing, gold, mana, healing, personal space, vlogging

Dislikes: Being filmed while sleeping, having her cycle printed out and laminated, having the floor plan of every place she’s ever lived in memorized, being asked if she wants “a wizard staff in her mana pool,” and the tiny Indian man responsible for all of the above, Zaboo (pictured).

Why she’s our hero: Codex gives all nerds hope that maybe, just maybe the girl they’re questing with in World of Warcraft is actually a girl, and actually quite a cute on at that. On The Guild, the web-only turned Xbox Live-only show about an unnamed MMORPG, she’s a member of the guild the “Knights of Good,” and finds her life turned around when her real life guildmate shows up at her door one day.

Sure, real life WoW addiction is much less funny than this, but the show is a bit of genius even if you’re not a fan of the genre. Season 1 is online here now, and season 2 is just beginning and you can find it on MSN and Xbox Live, with new fancy production values now that it got some funding behind it. Despite her best efforts, Codex is now officially the hottest gamer chick since Attack of the Show’s Olivia Munn.

From Voir comes the above pic from Woody Allen’s next film, Whatever Works.  I’ve attached the other two as thumbnails below.  The movie stars Larry David, and if you’re a fan of paranoia and neurosis (looking at you, Mom), the combo of David and Allen should make you feel all tingly inside.  Look for Whatever Works sometime in 2009.

(View the tournament standings page here and the Group 1 fights here)

Welcome to Group 2 of Stage 1 of Queen of the Iron Fist, where hotness reigns supreme. We’ve got a few overlooked characters on the dockett today, including Christie from Tekken and Seong Mi-Na from Soul Calibur and one busty vampire, Morrigan Aensland. The head-to-heads start…now:

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I snagged this movie poster for the upcoming Biggie biopic from Trailer Addict.  I’ve already seen the trailer for this movie, and as I stated, it looks terrible.  I still can’t believe this isn’t a made-for-TV movie.

“You got the gun up in yo waste, please don’t shoot up the place?”

“Why?”

“Cuz I see some ladies tonight tha-why?  Why should you not shoot up the place?  Interesting.  I would think the default attitude would be to not spray bullets everywhere, and that if you were going to start peeling caps, there’d be a real good reason for it.  But you’re looking for a reason to NOT shoot up the place?  I don’t know what to tell you.  It’s cruel?  You could face jail time?  Possibly be executed?  Sometimes, Biggie, I feel like I’m talking to a child.”

The TV neighbor has many roles: villain, pest, friend, lover, or sometimes more than one. More often than not without them, the show wouldn’t have been half what is was. Here I count down the eight most memorable TV neighbors, without whom their shows would have been exceptionally dull.

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I have been anticipating the release of The Last Remnant for a while now, and I finally got to buy and play the XBox RPG this weekend.  I was offered a free poster with my purchase, but told the girl at GameStop that she could keep it.  “Why?’ she asked.  “Because I’m 30 years old,” I replied.  She didn’t argue.

 The Last Remnant doesn’t have a mind-blowing introduction or a gorgeous opening cinematic before the title screen, and it takes a little bit for the game to get going.  There’s a ton of load screens, but the load time isn’t very long; after a while you hardly notice.  So, how does The Last Remnant play?  Keep reading the journal to find out:

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I FOUND HIM!!!

Loyal readers of the site (all four of you) are familiar with my eternal struggle to locate Dogmeat, your canine companion in Fallout 3. He’s in all the screenshots, and is supposed to be an “integral” part of the game, but 35 hours in and he was still nowhere to be found.

Well at long last I finally found him. He was in the scrapyard where I’d heard he’d be, but instead of fighting with Raiders, he had singlehandledly killed every single one of them. I guess you can get a lot accomplished when 317 in-game days have passed.

And so my Fallout questing can finally come to an end. I walked back to Megaton, sat down on my pre-war themed couch and cracked open a Nuka Cola with Fawkes as Dogmeat barked at my robotic butler. Life is good. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww0LFXQzoq4

Have a happy Thanksgiving from us at Unreality.  Enjoy your day off, eat your weight in food, and contemplate coming out of the closet while the family’s all gathered together get ready for some football.  I’ve attached the sort of NSFW “trailer” to Thanksgiving, which was attached to the Grindhouse movie.  Try not to cringe at 1:18.