The Top Eight Reasons to Hire a Doll from the Dollhouse

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Dollhouse is about to wrap this Friday, and it’s going to take nothing short of a miracle to keep in on the air for another go-round. But even if it dies after one lonely season, the show has raised a lot of interesting concepts about scientific technology that we may see within our lifetimes, and the moral implications it brings.

What would you do with a human that you could program to be anything at all that you wanted? I took a look at eight real life reasons to seriously consider hiring a doll.

8 ) Friendship

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“I am only attracted to your because of your Halo skills.”

As depressing as this sounds, a doll would make a pretty good friend. A person you could tell absolutely anything to and have them not judge, give advice and never repeat it. You could call them day or night to hang out, and they’d never bitch about having to work in the morning. You would have a permanent ping-pong partner. The possilbities are endless! But you’d probably have to be a really rich, bored, lonely person to ever make this purchase.

7) Business

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“Yes, yes, you’re hotness has convinced me of your position.”

If you have a truly epic deal or a high-value project you need absolutely completed by a certain date, you could always hire a doll programmed to be the world’s most efficient and talented office drone to make sure the task is complete. Sure it’s probably the most vanilla use of a doll out there, but I can see certain situations where it would be beneficial.

6) Slavery

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“Whosa good girl? You are!”

This is a pretty ****ed up reason to order a doll, but you could do it nonetheless. I’m talking less about S&M type slavery stuff here (we’ll get to that later), I just mean making this person be your personal bitch for your piece of mind (lots of errands to run, things to get done) or your personal amusement (will they eat dog sh*t if I program in the right code?). You could have a lot of fun with this one, but prepare to have people question your newfound choice of friend.

5) Sex

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“For $50,000 an hour, you better be down for some weird sh*t.”

You would think sex would be higher up on this list, but essentially all you’d be buying is a really, really expensive prostitute, but the extra cash you shell out is for the fact that SHE thinks she’s not a prostitute. Yeah the Dollhouse girls are mostly perfect tens, but would it be worth the extra money? Would you really feel any better about yourself if she didn’t know you were paying for sex?

4) Revenge

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At least your target will go out in style.

Everyone wishes someone were dead. Yeah, you do. Look deep within thyself, you know it’s true. With a doll you could craft an untraceable hitman to do whatever you wanted, who would forget they ever did it an hour later. And no need to worry about tracking, as if the Dollhouse goes public, there are bigger world problems than you’re little hit hiring.

3) Grief

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“Are you my new mommy?”

This is something that the show has briefly touched on, but hasn’t explored terribly in depth yet. What if a friend or loved one died, and you could have their consciousness downloaded to a new body? Would the physical difference matter to you over time, or would you be able to get used to it just to have that person back in some form? Unless you had a boatload of cash, you could probably only have this post-life reunion for a limited time, but at least it would give a chance to say goodbye, right?

2) Love

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“Aw you’re such an adorable doormat, that’s why I love you!”

It’s really hard to find “the one” through bar surfing and match.com, but what if you could build your “one” from scratch? Make her everything that you ever wanted in a significant other? You’d have to be careful however not to make her too catering, then you’re dipping into the “slavery” column, but you could program in what you like (an appetite for morning sex) and leave out the stuff you don’t (an appetite for twinkies).

The problem with this is that you probably don’t even really know what the perfect girl is for you. Remember how “opposites attact?” You might program someone who is on paper a perfect match for you, but the stuff you leave out might also carry away any potential chemistry with it. Also, you would have to live knowing that you didn’t actually find the one and she doesn’t actually love you. But hey, maybe pretending is better than nothing.

1) Immortality

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Who wouldn’t want to live forever as a younger, hotter version of yourself?

There was an entire episode based around this, and even the show itself realizes that this is a terrifying implication of the ability to program dolls. Life after death would give the rich the ability to live forever, and possibly even purchase a doll for a lifetime if they so chose. I’m guessing a half billion dollars might make the higher ups forget about that little five-year contract they promised the doll volunteer.

But one of the biggest problems I have with the concept of immortality on the show is that yes, your memories and personality transfer, but there’s no talking about any kind of soul. I believe that things like memories and personality might be able to be realistically programmed on a hard drive someday, but just because that person walks and talks the same and thinks they are a particular person, are they in fact that person? I guess that’s kind of a Battlestar Galactica question. Did we ever establish if the Cylons had souls? I was too busy angrily yelling about Starbuck disappearing to notice.

I’m going to transfer my brain to Alan Tudyk when I die.

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