Convoreview: Kings – Goliath


Welcome to a new segment called “Convoreview,” until I can think of a better name. It’s like liveblogging meets Mystery Science Theater 3000 multiplied to the power of awesome.

Today is all about Kings, NBC’s new show about a parallel universe where New York is a monarchy and current events unfold like a Bible story. Fun!———————————–


Roommate: So why are you watching this again?

Sub-Zero: Because it’s a new non-reality based show that looks halfway interesting. I need more shows to watch now that all mine are ending.

RM: And by “all” you mean Battlestar Galactica?

SZ: Well, yeah.

RM: And didn’t you start watching Dollhouse to replace that anyways?

SZ: Yeah, but this show is on Sundays instead of Fridays and it isn’t on Fox, two very good indicators it won’t get cancelled straight away. Unlike Dollhouse.

RM: I suppose. I mean NBC has kept Heroes on life support forever, and ER has been on since my grandparents were born.

SZ: Eh, who knows. It’ll get beaten in the ratings by Flip this House or something and they’ll cut it


(Intro with the King making a dedication of the rebuilt capitol, flash forward to David on the front lines fighting a Goliath tank)

RM: So is this supposed to be America? I don’t understand.

SZ: Well, I mean that’s clearly Manhattan, albeit with oddly shaped buildings. I think that this is just some parallel dimension where New York is a monarchy and they’re at war with New Jersey.

RM: Oh, so this “Gath” enemy isn’t like, Canada?

SZ: Could be I guess, but I’m getting the impression that this is kind of a smaller scale civil war type deal. But who knows. I suppose we’ll find out.

RM: Dude the king’s daughter is hot.

SZ: Yeah, she kind of looks like Katie Holmes before she went all space alien.

RM: And the main dude looks like a bastard love child of Matt Damon, Ryan Philippe and Heath Ledger.

SZ: How would a love child ever be produced that way?

RM: Uh, science! OK?


(David is invited to hang out with the royale family at a banquet thrown in his honor after he saves the King’s son’s life)

SZ: Wow, the biblical allegory is beating you over the head huh?

RM: What?

SZ: Uh, “David slays Goliath”?

RM: Oh well, yeah.

SZ: But it’s all of it. It’s David being in the king’s good graces. His feud with the son who won’t be king after all. Even the “half my kingdom “ line. This whole thing mirrors the Bible story.

RM: Dude, I go to church on Christmas…

SZ: I mean his last name is Sheppard. Come on!

RM: (silence)

SZ: David was a shepherd!

RM: Oh.

SZ: I’m guessing the similarities will deviate a bit from here on out, but I have to say it is an interesting jumping off point. Everyone’s too busy ripping off comic books and toys for story ideas these days. No one ever rips off the bible anymore.


(War stops, then starts, David hooks up with the king’s daughter, the king’s son turns out to be gay)

RM: Don’t think THAT was in the Bible.

SZ: I suppose that’s true.

RM: This show is too confusing.

SZ: What? Why, because no one is winning money by eating pig scrotum?

RM: No…

SZ: You’re the reason shows like this get canceled. No one can handle shows with overarching plotlines anymore. They only have the attention span for one episode at a time. That’s why every iteration of CSI and Law and Order destroys everything else in the ratings.

RM: Mysteries are fun! So long as they’re not nine seasons long like on Lost.

SZ: I hate you.


(Show ends with David literally getting a crown of butterflies to symbolize he’s going to be the next king)

SZ: Wow, that was probably the worst ending I could have ever possibly envisioned.

RM: CGI butterflies? What is this, the George Lucas school of movie-making?

SZ: Like, if one butterfly flew by, that would have been symbolism, but a literal ****ing crown of them landing on his head? They really want to end with that image?

RM: Can I also say that the butterfly is probably the least intimidating symbol you could ever pick for your country?

SZ: We haven’t seen Gath’s flag yet. Maybe they’re the fighin’ unicorns or something.

RM: So is this worth a Tivo season pass?

SZ: I suppose so. Burn Notice and Nip/Tuck are over too now.

I liked Kings, I really did. That’s probably because I’m just glad to see a drama with an original idea (even though it was stolen from the bible) that is in no way a reality show and that doesn’t have anything to do with law enforcement. Yes, I guess that’s all it takes to make me happy these days.

I’m really skeptical if audiences will dig this show or not, but that’s mostly because audiences are stupid and have no patience. I always say, watch four episodes of a show, if it sucks, you can tell by then. This theory held true when I watched the first four episodes of Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy, and the converse was true when I watched the first four of Lost and Battlestar Galactica.

Technically this is two episodes, and I’m mildly interested. I like the bizarre landscape of it. Some odd country that looks a lot like my city ruled by Ian McShane fighting a war with New Jersey. I dig that. We’ll see where Kings goes from here.

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One Comment

  1. I wasn’t too impressed by Kings but I do agree that it’s nice to have a different (if not original) idea turned into a drama on television. I’ll probably keep watching, which means it will be canceled in like two weeks.

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