Convoreview: Heroes – Shades of Gray

sylar.jpg

“And that’s when I discovered I had the power to make delicious stew!”

Welcome to a new segment called “Convoreview,” until I can think of a better name. It’s like liveblogging meets Mystery Science Theater 3000 multiplied to the power of awesome.

Today we’re talking Heroes, everyone’s favorite show to hate. Goals: Have Sylar finally meet his dad. Have Hiro and Ando return from their seemingly endless Indian vacation. Have Claire die.—————————————–

(Opening with creepy looking Doyle eating popcorn in Claire’s kitchen)

Roomate: What the hell? What’s this guy’s power, super pedophilia?

Sub-Zero: No, he’s the puppet-master guy, remember? But yeah, now that you mention it, he does look like he should be on a registry somewhere.

RM: Oh yeah, this douchebag. His power is just telekinesis, except way less useful.

SZ: Honestly though, it’s one of Heroes’ more creative powers, although that’s not saying much.

RM: Yeah, remember fear-sniffing guy?

SZ: Ugh, yeah. Wait, is he…crying?

RM: Work that pedo-charm!

—————————————–

(Matt Parkman has a bomb strapped to himself on the Capitol steps)

SZ: And the award for least subtle framing attempt ever goes to…

RM: Yeah, and I’m sure they would let a Senator with two miles of the dude with a bomb strapped to his chest. “Alright fine, but you only have five minutes.” Please.

SZ: No, it’s totally OK because he knows him.

RM: Yeah huh.

(Matt reads SWAT guys mind to figure out how to diffuse the bomb)

SZ: At least when he’s half drugged he doesn’t have to give him “the eye.”

RM: Man, that SWAT guy must have pretty damn good vision, being able to see those colored wires from twenty feet away in the dark.

SZ: It’s what they train for.

RM: I really don’t think it is….aaand Nathan knocks him out. Conflict resolved. They should just dispatch Senators to every terrorist crisis.

—————————————–

(Sylar finally meets his long lost hobo-looking father)

SZ: And Sylar’s father is…Lionel Luthor??? What the hell?

RM: Good, I thought it was going to be Stan Lee or somebody.

SZ: At least John Glover is a decent actor…Oh, he has cancer, that’s cute.

RM: And he has Sylar’s power. But it only works on…rabbits?

SZ: How come that like never, ever happens? Like how did Nathan’s flight plus Meredith’s fire = Claire being immortal?

RM: Dude, it’s Heroes. When does anything ever make sense? But I’m sure Mohinder would be happy to babble on about genes and destiny and what not for half an hour if you’re interested.(Later, Daddy Sylar attacks his son to get his immortality power)

SZ: Well, who saw that coming?

RM: I must say, I’ve never seen anyone whistle as the finishing move in a fight before.

SZ: But Sylar faked being asleep! Or something! Sylar wins with non-cancer hindered telekinesis!

RM: His dad had to have more useful powers than that.

SZ: Is he seriously taking that stuffed rabbit with him?

RM: It’s symbolism.

SZ: For what?

RM: Power, or uh, innocence, or…dude, it’s Heroes.

—————————————–

(Hiro and Ando show up to save Matt Parkman)

SZ: Whoa, Hiro and Ando are back from Siberia, after only 2.9 episodes.

RM: They were in India.SZ: I was speaking figuratively.

(Matt Parkman is a baby)

SZ: Sooo, Matt Parkman is a baby?

RM: Did they go back in time?

SZ: No, remember that the show thankfully sacrificed time travel to appease my sanity. Wasn’t Matt’s wife pregnant in like season 1?RM: Oh yeah, but it wasn’t his baby.

SZ: And now…

RM: What?

SZ: It clearly was his baby.

RM: Or it’s baby Matt from the PAST that was sent here in time by Future Hiro in season 1!

SZ: I’m pretty sure it’s just his baby.

—————————————–

(Credits roll)

SZ: So who do you think “Rebel” is?

RM: Future Hiro.

SZ: Yeah, so I’m pretty sure Future Hiro doesn’t even exist anymore since they changed everything.

RM: Future Peter.

SZ: Sigh. I think it’s Micah, because all these messages are on the phone and internet and things he could go all technopath on.RM: I forgot about that kid. I hope it’s that douchey flying kid that Claire used to date. His screen name would be “Rebel.”

SZ: Yeah, then he can fight douchey aqualad for her affections.

RM: Can we agree that her being ogled by the comic book store full of nerds was the highlight of the episode?

SZ: Absolutely.

As much as I hate to say it, this was not a terrible episode of Heroes, the show I continue to watch solely to make fun of it. Sylar meeting his dad was a bit of an anti-climax, but hopefully we’ll get to see more than five minutes of John Glover in episodes to come.

Baby Matt Parkman seems like yet another useless side plot to give Hiro and Ando something to do. And uh, are we going to actually hear about what they did in India? Or are we just going to all try and forget that idiocy ever happened?

What do you think Sylar wants with the Hunter? And what exactly did Sylar learn from his father that made him storm out all enlightened? He has to try and kill people that are an even match for him? Well, that leaves…uh, no one. Whatever, I’m mildly curious, which is more than I can normally say for the show.Until next week.


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