Seinfeld on Crack: Six Comparable Supporting Characters from It’s Always Sunny

4)  Jillian (a.k.a. Man Hands) vs. Carmen (a.k.a. The Transsexual)


During Seinfeld’s eighth season, Jerry briefly dates a woman whose only flaw is “man hands” (i.e. exactly what the hell it sounds like). The physical comedy of the thing was hilarious, thanks largely to clever video editing.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and forget about the hands, man; why not go the whole nine…inches? IASIP initiated confusion boners everywhere during season one when they cast a hot chick as Mac’s transsexual love interest. I…I’m sorry, it’s just not easy to reconcile that crotch bulge with Brittany Daniel’s bozangas.

5) Susan Ross vs. Maureen Ponderosa

As a character, Susan Ross is mostly forgettable; there’s nothing particularly interesting to me about this woman’s persona beyond how she deals with George’s tomfoolery. But here are the important details: 1) George clearly isn’t Susan’s Mr. Right, 2) he immediately regrets proposing to her after doing so, looking for ways to end the relationship, and 3) under the right circumstance, nose-picking can drive a woman to lesbianism. Lucky for George, he inadvertently poisons his fiancé with cheapskatedness (and crappy wedding invitation envelopes), escaping from the relationship scot-free. Come to think of it, that season finale was a bit dark for Seinfeld.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and you’ve got Maureen Ponderosa on your hands. This was Dennis’s high school sweetheart, and in season six, he marries her on a whim. While George and Susan’s engagement lasts for an entire season, it only takes one episode for Dennis to realize his mistake (and how many brands of shit Maureen’s dead tooth smelled like, apparently). Sure, George had the awkward aftermath of Susan’s death to contend with, but at least he didn’t inherit $90,000 worth of debt in the process.

6)  Babu Bhatt vs. Rickety Cricket

Poor Babu. After a series of unfortunate coincidences, this guy loses a killing on his failed NYC restaurant and gets deported back to Pakistan. Oh, and he blames Jerry’s indirect influence for this entire turn of events.

But add a little Sunny Crack…

…and…actually, that transition fits perfect here. Babu’s situation pretty much sucked, but the man would have begged for deportation via Acme slingshot had he experienced a fraction of Cricket’s travesties. This Wikipedia entry sums up the Street Rat’s tribulations pretty well: “[D]ue to his involvement with the Gang, [Cricket] leaves the priesthood, supports himself by grifting or panhandling, becomes addicted to crack cocaine, has his legs broken by members of the Philadelphia mafia, has his throat severely injured by Frank in a wrestling match, and is hunted by Mac and Dennis for sport. He has since carried a vendetta against the Gang and attempts to get his revenge in various episodes, but consistently fails to do so.” Holy moley.

That last sentence is the saddest part, by the way. Babu at least got the satisfaction of watching Jerry get his comeuppance (i.e., a year in prison), but so far Cricket’s still somewhere in the middle of his perpetual downward spiral. I’d almost feel bad for the guy if it weren’t so goddamn funny to watch.

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7 Comments

  1. Hold on hold on hold on…I just blew my own mind a little bit. I knew Uncle Jack was molesty…and it’s clear when Charlie writes his Nightman song that he’s writing about being molested in his sleep at night…so does that make Uncle Jack the Nightman???

  2. Seinfeld was a smarter show, but the lewdness and profanity Sunny has puts it over the top for me. Once frank showed up, the show hit a groove and could go on forever.

  3. @Ian and @Javier
    After looking into all the available evidence, everything points to Uncle Jack being Charlie’s Nightman. Re-watch these episodes when you get the chance (in this order):
    “Charlie Got Molested”
    “Sweet Dee’s Dating a Retarded Person”
    “The Nightman Cometh”

  4. didn’t read the article. Love Seinfeld, can’t stand It’s always Sunny. The characters are too outrageous and the situations are too forced. The whole show just feel very scripted.

  5. wait wtf… so the Nightman musical was about Charlie being scarred from being molested… and Frank not saying Boys Soul but Boys Hole… oh god……

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