Paul and Remy Read 50 Shades of Grey

ByPaul Posted on

“I flushed as I watched his pants hang off his hips.” 

Remy:

Good call about thinking it was building to something. Apparently, both you and I had hoped for some sort of “reveal” that would at least provide a payoff (Mr. Grey is a vampire robot sent from the future to teach woman about subordination?) and I agree, even Twilight had threads of other stories attempting to intertwine to sort of create a mythos (a very weak one, but a mythos none the less) and this book is just a series of barely interlocking, drawn out sexual sequences. Just so people can understand how awful this in every way, I will now include a line from the book that demonstrates the level of writing on display here:

” Holy f*ck is this wrong, but holy hell is it erotic.”

It is like the writing is so bad, that the actual writing needs to tell the reader what to think, because it is so poorly executed, you don’t actually know what you should be feeling when you read it.

I mean, the lead character honestly calls the Grey guy, “sexy as f*ck.” Um, did I miss something? That is a compliment that is OK to give anyone other than a female rapper?

It truly is BAD fan fiction. Take any example of fan fiction off the website Topless Robot, and it is four hundred times better than this, and a good deal of those are written in jest.

I did discover something slightly awesome about this book, though. About halfway through the book I decided to mentally replace the word cl*t, which I believe is used about 9000 times, and change it with Gi-Joe. I know that sounds insane, but so many of the scenes then turn into this Anastasia woman quietly watching Christian play with her Gi-Joe’s. How awesome is that? It was the only way I could finish this book.

And regarding its popularity, sadly, I am so freaked out by this phenom that I actually asked a good deal of woman that are friends and acquaintances, and the general response was this:

The book is a chance for some women to escape to a world completely foreign to them. It is written in a way that makes it accessible to most (terribly written makes it “accessible” apparently) and it provides a slight escape into a more sensual existence than their own.

But I am not OK with that. I think that is a cop out. If there was suddenly some book aimed at men, that was smut, and we were carrying it everywhere we go and talking about it non-stop on social networks, we would look like scumbags. Truth is, my Facebook feed is populated with woman talking about 50 Shades and Magic Mike. Men would be crucified for such actions.

So now I have a strange question. Where would you have taken the story, what direction, what genre, to make it an actual “book” and perhaps make it more interesting. You had said something about it being a “horror” and I think that’s brilliant. Tell me more.

Are you sufficiently sexually hypnotized yet?

Paul:

Yeah, back when I still had the idea the book might actually be building to something, I had the thought that it would actually make for a somewhat convincing horror story. A seemingly perfect guy has a dark secret, and what appears to be a little light S&M interest turns out to be something much, much darker. At least it would have been a plot, where currently none exists.

In the end, the girl runs away crying after being swatted on the bum a few times with a cane, and the guy tearfully pursues her saying he didn’t meant any harm. It’s about as weak as weak gets, and it was a little disappointing as it seemed like the book was setting itself up for an actual interesting twist. Yet none came. It feels like it could easily have turned all “Hostel” at any given moment, but I suppose that sort of story wouldn’t have pleased the lonely housewives or giggling teenagers.

All in all, I just think it’s popular because A) it’s somewhat relatable as a first person narrative of what it’s like to have a crush on a seemingly perfect guy and B) it’s scandalous for women who have never dared try much of anything scandalous before, or are simply not used to seeing it in pop culture. Because it’s popular, they have permission to read it without the traditional “romance novel trash” stigma attached. Even if it is romance novel trash.

I welcome further discussion from any readers (especially female ones) who have managed to get through the book. Are Remy and I right about it? Off base? Let me know.

 

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I think I'm a part of the first generation of journalists to skip print media entirely, and I've learned a lot these last few years at Forbes. My work has appeared on TVOvermind, IGN, and most importantly, a segment on The Colbert Report at one point.

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25 Comments

  1. I read constantly, mostly sci fi. Now whenever people see me with a book I am immediately asked (with leer) if I’m reading 50 shades.

    I am so happy for the woman who made her retirement with this tripe but I loathe it on a cultural level.

    And not just the Marquis btw, Anne Rice’s sleeping beauty books are HOT and twisted with plot!

  2. I’ve read a few extracts of it but I can’t bring myself to read the whole thing. For starters I’m an English lit student so quality of writing makes me want to cry, but the ‘plot’ itself is just insane. The sex scenes made me feel uncomfortable and bored, and the phrase ‘my sex’ made me giggle for far too long.
    I honestly think half the women who have read this are reading it out of the curiosity factor, that’s why I looked it up in the first place. This is one girl who is not a fan.

  3. I am so happy that you suffered through this for my pleasure! For some reason I feel the writers target audience was the walmart shopper who has a limited vocabulary.

  4. OHMYGOD. OMIGOD. Oh. My. God. *sigh* The only thing disappointing about this article, is that when I saw the title, “Paul and Remy Read Fifty Shades of Gray” I almost peed with delight because I thought there MUST be a video of you two LITERALLY READING Fifty Shades of Shit. But, alas, I was wrong, and all my hopes and dreams shattered. I feel like “most” women are reading it because it’s the seemingly cool, hip thing to do. I’m sure a few actually like it. Ok, well I’m going back to wasting time on Google. <3

  6. Loved this. Just yesterday I had this woman in her 30’s sitting next to me on a plane, reading it. She looked like the kind of woman who’d give you a smug, exasperated look if she caught you giving the slightest glance at her legs, let alone her cleveage. But there she was, reading a cheap erotic tale in public. She was reading it, and there can be no argument about this, to get horny. And she probably was, since she went through at least 40 pages and didn’t put down the book at all. If women could get boners, she would’ve been sporting a raging, defiant one. That’s about as tasteless as you can get. But, like you said, it’s accepted and I certainly didn’t mind. I just hate their attitude, and the “intelectual” face they make, like they´re reading Ibsen and don’t want to be disturbed.

  7. There you have it boys; proof that ladies who read Unreality are better than the average female. I have stories for miles about these books and I won’t bore you with all the details, but I was very disturbed when my mother started turning every last one of her visits into a discussion about 50 Shades.
    My.
    Mother.
    Seriously, FML.
    Her inner goddess must have been doing the chicken dance or something. And what’s worse is she started quoting metaphors from it and telling me “Oh, you’re SO black and white” like that first grade bullshit made her sound wise. I’m not anti-porn in any way and I’m all for cheap thrills and what have you, but you would not catch me on a bus watching Cannibal Holocaust on my iPod or something where other people could see it and I sure as hell wouldn’t discuss it with my mother unless she asked me what the most vile thing I’d ever watched was. If you must read that garbage, please keep it in your pants, ladies. That’s all I ask.

  9. I think you’re pretty much spot on. I started reading it, of course, because everyone was talking about it (can we say snowball rolling down a hill?) The first book I actually liked fine, the 2nd book was less interesting, and I didn’t even finish the 3rd. What I didn’t like was Christian’s multi-kagillion dollars, because then it made everything possible. Without his millions, it would be much harder to be in control of Anna, and it just made the plot too “easy”. Yes, the sex scenes were jarring for me also, and I did the exact same thing as you guys: basically started skipping through them all to see if a piece of plot would eventually be revealed. For some reason, it took me a while to realize that the writing was that horrible. I needed to read the same passages over and over before it sunk in. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t live up to the hype.

  11. @Trashcanman for the ultimate comment win.
    And I agree hands down, your reactions to this prove you are probably some of the most genuine (and coolest, and intelligent) woman on the web, and I must say, was well worth suffering through for this. PLUS, I got to work with Paul, and for any of you following my (nothing short of epic) run at Unreality, you must know how much of an honor that was for me.
    Scarred for life, but worth it.
    Unreality readers own life, gender be damned.

  14. From what I’ve heard from reviews / plot synopses, it’s just a perpetuation of patriarchy and chauvinism pervasive in society, where whatever the man says, goes. The main character is a submissive women who signs a contract to a guy she’s barely met, but it’s “fantasy” because he’s good looking and rich. That’s disgusting. I can understand things from a “it’s porn” perspective, since certainly, there’s lots of fantasies people would never even want to act out in person, but can find pleasure in deriving their enactment in porn.

    It’s not even like sex is really that taboo, anymore. It seems like women who read this can just go out and find someone to have sex with, live out the fantasy, I’m sure there’s plenty of on-the-surface nice guys who would love some rough stuff. But again, it’s porn, so it serves that purpose. To claim this is anything but simple smut is ridiculous. It’s certainly not “liberating”, since the story involves a submissive women and highlights the importance of “earth-shattering” orgasm (I’ve heard that description is repeated ad nauseum), much like Twilight highlights the importance of having a boyfriend. Agh, screw any merit or value that anyone would give this sort of trash.

  15. God knows I love all your faces (commenters and writers alike), but Christ on toast: woman = one person of the female persuasion; women = more than one person of the female persuasion. Just like man/men. Only with a “wo” in front of it. Because when god created man, he said, “Eh. Man.” When he created woman he said, “Whoa, man!”

    To the point, though: this book lost me at “originally written as Twilight fan fiction.” That drivel masquerading as literature is replicating itself like some kind of teenage-angst-ridden, pliant-female-stereotype, “hey-let’s-take-all-the-fun-out-of-being-a-vampire” reanimated corpse?! Coming for our daughters’ brains?! THE END IS NIGH, MY FRIENDS. MAKE YOUR PEACE.

  18. Paul, Bomer’s supposed to be a great choice for the part, but the screenplaywright flat out refuses to consider him for casting since he’s openly gay. Gotta love children trying to make grown up decisions.

  19. Remy, I know this is late but I’ve got to ask. If you had to do it over again but had a choice, A Serbian Film or 50 Shades?

    This is watching/reading AGAIN.

  20. ^WOW. That might be the best question I have been asked in a long time.
    Honestly, and no one stab my for this, 50 Shades. And this is coming from a guy who LOVES horror, and I would still pick the trashy novel. Why? Because it is bad literature, but laughably dismissive. But Serbian Film, as bad as it is, gets under your skin and into your subconscious (atleast it did to me) and I would never put myself through that again.

  21. What I don’t understand is why people are suddenly willing to pay for this and why it is suddenly seen as socially acceptable.

    There is much better written smut available for free online, better depictions of the BDSM lifestyle that don’t promote abusive relationships. But I swear you’d struggle to persuade many of the women reading 50 shades to read the equivalent online.

    Is it just the fact that it is published that people are accepting of it? I mean, it’s not like it is well written.

    Apparently the first book is based on some Twilight fanfiction that the author was writing.

    I just feel sorry for the author’s son when he found out that it was his mother who wrote it.

  22. Well I appreciate the well written and thought out article, my heart is destroyed that “Paul and Remy read 50 Shades” isn’t actually a video/recording of you guys reading it, a la Gilbert Godfried or Ellen.

    On a related noted, as both a female and a human beings, I cannot fathom the popularity of these books. I only read the first, and only as a way to pass the time at work on day. I regret it, and will continue with my insistence that the sequels do not exist.

  23. I am someone who writes fan fiction.
    I admit this knowing the scorn and ridicule that type of writing receives. However, I believe I make an effort to provide a strong, entertaining plot with believable character interactions. I’ve read great fanfiction that has made me green with envy and I’ve read nonsense that can only be described as the desperate daydreams of often delusional fans.

    It annoyed me when I discovered 50 shades was twilight fanfiction. It was bad enough the twilight saga did so well but I understood WHY it did so well. But to see the smut derived from already poor fiction become mega successful due to the changing of the characters names honestly made my blood boil. This is mostly due to the fact that there are a great number of amateur writers, who write fanfiction as a hobby outside of their normal lives, and provide stories far superior to “Masters of the Universe”.

    And as bold as it might be of me to say, I include myself in that group of writers. But what truly drives me mad is knowing that even if I ever get something published it will NEVER be as successful as 50 shades. I skimmed through the 2nd book, wondering if my anger was misplaced, and saw only what I’d come to associate as signs of a poorly written, smut-focused fanfiction. It truly isn’t worthy of its success.

    This might be the part where I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

  24. i am also a fanfic writer, and i also write smutfic (Plot? What plot?) interspersed with full novel length fanfics – but to see someone succeed monetarily on THIS level with THIS thin a plot is a complete insult and injury.
    I browsed through a few pages and it distressed me immensely, because, like Mike S. said, there are dozens of writers that can make me cry and laugh and take me through an emotional roller coaster who make better writers than she.
    I hope, that future generations, when they look back on this dark period in time, will realize how sad popular literature has become, and torch these books.
    I’m only jealous of the money. Everything else? I know I write better porn than that.

    Also, thanks for the many Matt Bomer shots. He is Effing. Hawt.
    I still won’t watch the movie even if he plays the crazy stalker billionaire though.

  25. You both have more guts then I would, I won’t touch that garbage. I’ve read more then enough about it to know it’s trash. My in-laws are reading that book, *shiver*, but fortunately they don’t talk to me about it. Glad they don’t because if they ever bring it up they will get an earful 🙂

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