The Monologue of the Eventual Divorce of James Van Der Beek

Van Der

Some of you might even be asking yourselves “who the hell is James Van Der Beek?”  Well he’s most known for his role on Dawson’s Creek and uttering the line “I don’t want your life” in Varsity Blues.  But for those of you who care where the actor is now….

Court records show actor James Van Der Beek has filed for divorce from his wife of nearly six years.

The former “Dawson’s Creek” star filed for divorce Friday in Los Angles. He cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split with actress Heather McComb. The couple were married in July 2003 and have no children. [Via MSNBC]

Irreconcilable differences huh? Let me show you exactly how this divorce went down…


About 6 Years ago – 2003

Heather:  Oh my God you have so much opportunity now.  Dawson’s is over, what are you going to do?  I’m so excited for us!

James:  I know right?  I think I might just relax for a bit and weigh my options.  It’s been a crazy run and I want to make sure I choose the right movie.

Heather:  Yeah, you’re probably right.  Good call.  I trust you honey.

Fast Forward to 2005

Heather:  Um, honey?  What’s going on?  I think it’s time your break were over.  Get out there and do a movie or something.

James:  Wait, you didn’t see “Three?” or Standing Still?  I’m working babe.  I’m coming back, I swear.

Heather:  I know dear it’s just that where’s Johnny Mox?  Where is Dawson?  That’s the man I love, that’s who I’m here for.

James:  Oh he’s here honey and in a big way.

Heather:  I know sweetie, I know (they hug and Heather looks concerned)

Fast Forward to 2007

Heather:  OK James, what the f*ck is going on here?  We made a pact and what the hell is this crap you’re doing? “Robot Chicken?”  Bit parts on “Ugly Betty?”  just so audiences can say “Hey!  It’s James Van Der something!”

James:  Shut up Heather!  I’m doing what I can. 

Heather:  Yeah but this is the life that…..

James:  I don’t WANT YOUR LIFE


Heather:  You’re a complete loser, can we agree on that?

James:  Yup

Heather:   Cool, I’m outta here.


  1. Madison November 20, 2009
  2. Chris March 19, 2010

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