5 Ways to Pick Up Girls That Only Work in the Movies

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There are a million things that happen in movies that are totally unrealistic, but I think the one that bothers me the most is how easy it is for guys – especially dorky guys – to pick up girls.  Most guys have picked up a girl at a bar, or the grocery store, or even just walking down the street.  I met my current girlfriend through a mutual friend.  Nowadays, people can meet through online dating systems, too.

But in movies, these mundane circumstances just don’t make the cut.  Instead, guys can get girls in movies by doing things that, if done in real life, would likely repulse the girl.  Keep reading to see what I mean and check out five ways guys pick up girls that can happen only in the movies.

1. Literally bumping into girls (Step Up 2)

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I really should be able to come up with a better movie to use as an example than Step Up 2, but nevertheless, this happens in movies all the time.  A guy – either in the halls of his high school or maybe at an art gallery – literally bumps into a girl and then BAM! – there’s an instant attraction and then next thing you know, they’re dating.  I’m not saying that never really happens but…well, that never really happens.  First off, how often do you literally bump into someone to begin with?  I live in Manhattan, and the streets and subways are absolutely packed.  Still, I don’t smash into people out of carelessness, and even if I’m not looking where I’m going, chances are the person who’s in my path is and will be able to avoid a collision.

What’s worse than the minuscule probability of actually bumping into someone single and your own age, though, is the fact that after her papers or groceries have spilled all over the ground, she’s more likely to call you a clumsy ass than to flirt and meet you for a drink.  Look, I’m sure that people have met like this at least a few times in history, but in the movies, I just chalk it up to lazy screenwriting.

2. Writing a mushy love letter (Can’t Hardly Wait)

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Not like I’m speaking from experience, but usually when you pour your heart and soul out onto a sheet of paper explaining how much you love a girl that doesn’t even know you exist, it doesn’t end in a date.  It usually ends in a scared girl filing a restraining order and possibly switching schools.  It’s creepy, not romantic, and doesn’t work in real life.

3. Getting a makeover (Can’t Buy Me Love)

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When a total nerd all of a sudden gets a new haircut and wears trendy clothes, he’s still a nerd, just with a new haircut and trendy clothes.  We see this with girls, too (She’s Out of Control, She’s All That), but that’s actually somewhat realistic in that many girls don’t actually realize that they’re attractive, and once they start dressing better, guys take notice.  But when a guy is a nerd, it’s usually not because he’s some handsome kid who’s just shy and doesn’t know how to dress properly.  It’s because he’s a slobbering idiot in the presence of two X chromosomes and knows more about Level 9 orcs than he does about speaking to girls without vomiting.  So if he gets a trendy haircut and a cool leather jacket, that’s not going to change anything and girls still aren’t going to like him.

4. Simply being a nerd (American Pie series)

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If there are girls who look like Shannon Elizabeth and can’t control their hormones around band geeks and uber-dorks, I’d really, really like to meet them.  Yes, some girls like guys who have a bit of a dorky side, but a perfect 10 going for the Sherminator just doesn’t happen.  Unless he’s rich, I guess.  Which brings me to…

5. Being poor when the girl is rich (Titanic)

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Not all girls are gold-diggers (thank the lord), but it goes without saying that guys who normally wouldn’t have a shot with a girl all of a sudden do when equipped a fat bank account.  There aren’t too many gas pumpers and grocery baggers – no matter how much they look like Josh Lucas – that have a shot with a Hollywood actress or New York socialite.  The cliche in many movies is that rich girls lead boring, reserved lives, and can easily be swept off their feet by a fun-loving, free spirit poor guy who appreciates the simple things in life.  Oh, and if there’s a rich guy in the picture, he’s inevitably an asshole.  I have a hard time believing that happens in real life – we always see girl like Paris Hilton dating shipping heirs, not bloggers who get $2 a post.

But then again, Britney Spears did go for Kevin Federline, so this one may be questionable.  99.9% of the time, though, I’d say an upper-class chick wouldn’t even look at a poor dude.  So I stand by this.

Of course, there are bound to be exceptions to all of these scenarios, but I think for the most part they’re purely fantasy.  Do you know of any unrealistic methods guys have used to get the girl in movies?

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43 Comments

  1. Im not rich, BUT I have dated men who have made waaaaaay less money than me because they had some good….

    Uh yea. You get the point. No falling in love though.

  2. This point is further explained in the book Sex, Drugs and CoCo Puffs by Chuck Klosterman.

    It’s a good read if you’re interested in this type of thing. He basically blames the reason girls and guys act crazy around the opposite sex on unrealistic fantasties that all started with John Cusack, aka. Lloyd Dobler. I can’t say I disagree with him.

  3. @Dave

    I’m gonna agree with you/Klosterman, I even blame my financial stress on John Cusack.
    I mean, if he can win the big race by running away from a kid who just wants $2 dollars, who’s to say that I cant win big by running away from student loans?

  4. @ chrystani

    Yeah, I suppose there are some ways to compensate. heh.

    @ Dangerous Dave

    I like Klosterman, I will check that out. I forget which Woody Allen movie it is – Husbands and Wives, maybe? – but he addresses it, too, saying that no marriage is perfect and we only think so because of how it’s portrayed in movies.

  5. Can I add “Act like a Gay guy to gain trust” a la Kick-ass….I’m sure it’s been done in other movies too but it did make me laugh and yah…..not working on girls…

  6. i don’t know about Britney Spears being upper class. high class usually have money, but the reverse is not always true, look at all the rappers… I wouldn’t consider them high class.

    and on top of that, Britney is just a trailer trash.

  7. This list is bullshit as this just happens to be how I met my girlfriend. Our story takes place a couple of years ago after I had just recently become homeless, this was a result of me losing my writing-type job because of circumstances that were a result of my cruel money-loving boss/ fellow asshole employee and was also in no way my fault. I had been homeless for around a month at this time, which was quite enough time to have made a group of friendly streetwise homeless people. Including at least one woman and African American, several strait white men and one gay white male, who, despite being homeless still had fantastic taste in clothes and style because he was a homosexual. So as a result of him giving me a makeover (with help of at least one female friend) I was better dressed and had a nicer haircut then ever before. At the day that I was to meet my future girlfriend I was walking around the rich part of town seeing what I could pickpocket (a skill taught to me buy much older and even more streetwise homeless guy), it was then that amongst a crowd of people I saw her and instantly fell in love. As I was also carrying a pen and paper with me at the time I decided to write a poem dedicated to her, but it seems I was too concentrated on my writing and managed to walk my clumsy self right into her (why she herself didn’t move out of the way I do not know). We then shared a friendly laugh and I said something witty that referenced a current sci-fi movie/TV show that was just popular enough for her to know what it was and make the connection that I was of the more geeky nature, which she just so happened to find cute and charming in a guy. She was also not put off by my homelessness but instead thought that it made me different and more interesting than the normal rich guys she dated. But what really sealed the deal was her picking up my love letter and realizing that it was written about her. We have been in a successful relationship ever since and although we have had some pretty big problems (including the weekend when I met her family for the first time) I have always managed to save our love with some amazing romantic gesture…….and also most of my friends met their girlfriends in similar ways, so please get your facts right before you right such an outrageous list.

  8. Woody Allen was always picking up chicks in ridiculous circumstances. “After 15 minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse”

  9. I dont get it why you looks like “writing” the hate for the nerds, while you may dont realize being a writer in the website blog, it makes you at least a nerd in your job. Plus you are not a rich nerdy type

  10. Very entertaining and mostly true from my experience. Number one is a little off, however. Sometimes rich socialites like to “slum it” with hot lower class guys

  11. I think it depends on what TYPE of girls. For instance, as an activity liberal anti-capitalist type, I specifically find wealth and a high-powered job a TURN OFF. I don’t want someone for whom money is a high priority. That’s not to say I want to date a gas station attendant either, but that’s because I also value intelligence and education and drive/ambition–so if they’re working at a gas station while also trying to make it in their chosen creative field or something like that, maybe… but most people who are intelligent and educated would get some more challenging/interesting job, eve if it’s just to pay the bills.

    As far as the gay thing… actually pretending to be gay, with a boyfriend and everything, probably wouldn’t work, no. But I do know plenty of women who are attracted to men who act in ways that would be considered “gay.”

  12. @ Monty Prime

    No, no, no…that’s to get her back, not pick her up. Singing will also work in that situation, I’ve learned from movies.

  13. rich girls never fall for the poor guy IRL. if they do it, they just f*ck him a couple times and then go back to their rich husband, who they’d never leave.

  14. I hate to be nit-picky, but as a biology major I can’t let this slide: “It’s because he’s a slobbering idiot in the presence of two X chromosomes and knows more about Level 9 orcs than he does about speaking to girls without vomiting.”

    This sentence is incorrect. Males have one X and one Y chromosome….unless this sentence is referring to a lesbian super-nerd.

  15. @ Natasha

    And I was a zoology major. Females have two X chromosomes. The guy is a slobbering idiot in the presence of two X chromosomes. Females. We clear?

  16. My family has real estate in various countries.My husband of 25 years was a gas station attendant when we married.
    He is of the finest character, fabulous lover, divinely handsome and developed his own business solely on his own resources(his insistance)
    I certainly wasn’t looking for someone with money…someone with character and morals.

  17. I recently saw a movie where the guy was hitting on two girls at a time by complementing one girl and making rude remarks about the other. Normally they would get offended (the girl who gets complements as well, because the guy is mean to her friend) but they started fighting over him and both wanted to date him and it was really unrealistic (I don’t know what movie it was though, I was going through channels)

    Also, great post, but I do not entirely agree with point 3: makeovers can do wonders and point 5 is a bit narrow-minded..

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