I’ve been waiting what, two years for this damn premiere? Let’s hope the writer’s strike didn’t mess this season up too badly, but after the last one with Pa Bauer and Jack’s secret love child, anything would be a welcome change. I just have one mantra I’m praying over and over again: no bombs, no bombs.
8:00 – Opening scene: terrorists cause an accident like it’s Heat, kidnap some dude. They all have guns that look like they’re from Blade Runner.
8:02 – Red Foreman is the senator leading the torture committee proceedings against Jack Bauer. Good, they’re not taking 20 minutes to introduce him.
8:03 – Ibraham Haddad? Sigh, am I going to have to remember all these random terrorists’ names that Jack Bauer has tortured all these past years?
8:05 – Jack Bauer tortures bitches and doesn’t give a **** what you think. America…**** yeah!
8:06– Terrorist attack is about to let Jack off the hook. They’re reconvening tomorrow morning, which means oh I don’t know, 24 hours from now? So much for the Law and Order plotline.
8:08 – This year’s terror plot seems tech related. Hopefully it’s not some sort of Die Hard/Transformers “they’re hacking the power grid” nonsense.
8:10 – Oh they’re hacking airplanes. Much better.
8:11 – Is that Peter Petrelli working at the FBI? And I like this new chick, she’s hot.
8:12 – Gahhh they actually said they’re going to hack the power grid. Like they literally said “power grid.” Goddamnit.
8:13 – OMG IT’S TONY ALMEIDA. Who would have seen that coming besides anyone who watched any of the promo spots? I really want zombie Nina to show up now.
8:15 – Ooo Tony has scar. And a goatee. And a broken power grid airplane hacking device.
8:16 – Well that was a long intro. I’m pissed. I prayed there wouldn’t be a hidden ticking bomb this season, and that’s exactly what I got. Unfortunately what I have instead is Live Free and Die Hard where hackers are going to start hacking everything from airplanes to stop lights to electric ****ing toothbrushes I’m guessing.
8:20 – Jack Bauer’s telling me to fight malaria. Why doesn’t he just go to Africa and punch it in the face himself?
8:21 – Reference to 24: Redemption plot about the “Sangala” genocide featuring our new chick president. I wonder how much this will play into this season, if it’ll be a major focus.
8:22 – Wait did her son die? He was alive in Redemption.
8:23 – Alright, plane hacking round 2. Tony is running kind of a janky terrorist cell here.
8:28 – OK they finally figured it out. Now they can cause turbulence. Ooo scary!
8:29 – This Peter Petrelli guy is from something else, that’s gonna bug me. (Post blog update: It’s Billy Walsh! From Entourage!)
8:30 – Political message this year, we need to go crack some heads in Darfur.
8:32 – Ugh whatever, I’m doing bitching about this year’s hacking plotline. At least it’s not a bomb. Although I’m probably not actually done bitching.
8: 36 – alright this is the last time I’m watching this un-Tivoed, I forgot how much I can’t stand commercials.
8:39 – Ah yes, the president’s son was killed. This dude is the First Man or whatever the hell he’s called.
8:40 – Also, there’s another chick at the FBI who looks like Jeanine Garafalo. She’s annoying. Wait, is that actually Jeanine Garafalo?
8:41 – Uh oh, Jack took his tie off. It’s bus-iness, it’s bus-iness time!
8:42 – Aww scar face dude from Gladiator and Smokin’ Aces is now a terrorist suspect. That guy gets around. Something tells me he’ll be dead by the end of tomorrow night.
8:44 – The 24 clock and my DVR clock do not match up. That worries me.
8:49 – Jack has faith that Tony isn’t evil. I believe him because if there’s anything that 24 has taught me it’s that Jack is always right.
8:50 – Why are 24’s presidents way more believable than our real life presidents? This lady is way more legit than Hillary ever would have been.
8:52 – Scar face guy has even more scars than normal. That would be kind of cruel to make him put more fake ones on.
8:54 – Oh FBI chick breaks the rules too. I think Jack’s in love.
8:55 – Greenlight on torture! Oh nevermind. Snipers interrupt. Scar face dies before the end of the first damn hour. That’s some tough luck. Tony calls Jack. What, no “Hey buddy, sorry I pretended like I was dead and now I’m virtually hijacking an airplane,” just “stay away”? Rather rude.
8:56 – God this “banks are evil” movie looks ****ing terrible.
“Yeah, I didn’t get a silent clock, so now I’m blowing **** up.”
9:05 – Alright, second hour start. Tony is directing air traffic. This was directly lifted from some other movie, can anyone pinpoint it?
9:07 – Jack thinks there’s a spy in the FBI. Only would be about the thirtieth time that’s happened. I like this chick he’s with so that means she’s probably evil, which is another hard and fast 24 rule.
9:10 – Tony’s going to make two planes crash into each other. Alright, he may in fact be evil.
9:12 – Nevermind, he made them miss. He’s just ****ing around and will turn out not to be bad eventually.
9:13: New 15 second Watchmen spot. People who haven’t read the graphic novel must have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on with this movie. I sure wouldn’t.
9:16 – You know, I am glad they didn’t make Tony coming back a big reveal. It’s better to just have it out in the open like this from the get-go so we can get used to it.
9:22 – Boring presidential stuff. I stopped caring about the presidential plotlines since David Palmer died.
9:24 – “This is just technology, we should just be able to unplug these bastards.” Thanks President Mom.
9:26 – FBI guy we’ve never seen before is a traitor and helps the sniper escape. Sure, why not.
9:27 – Jack notices sniper’s shoes while he’s in disguise. Sure, why not.
9:29 – They’re advertising Mirrors on DVD. Clever, since Jack Bauer is in it. Marketing!
9:32 – They’re running Allstate ads. Cleve, since David Palmer is in it. Marketing!
9:33 – Yeah this is finally the year I stop watching American Idol.
9:34 – Yep, the hacking thing is for General What’s-his-face over in Sangala. Do they even have technology to be hacked over there?
9:37 – Alright, I know I said no bombs, but something needs to blow up. I’m getting bored.
9:40 – This FBI chick is super hot. Also, they need to stop showing Tony’s face half in shadow 100% of the time, it’s annoying.
9:45 – Annnd plotline I’m going to hate this year? The “how did the president’s son die” one. The First Gentleman is a tool, although his secret service agent is pretty cool I guess.
9:49 – 24 has also taught me that terrorists always drive Fords.
9:52 – Jack needs to lose this goofy trenchcoat. He looks like a P.I. or something.
9:53 – What the hell operating system are they using that’s deleting all these files? The Matrix?
9:55 – Alright, Jack fist fighting Tony was the coolest thing to happen in the past two hours. But really, they already caught him? At least we’ll get to find out how he’s alive sometime soon, hopefully.
Final Thoughts: Overall kind of a meh two hours. We’ve got the Die Hard hacking plotline, and an insanely low amount of action for 24. Zero surprises, especially when compared to last season’s premiere where Jack killed Curtis and then a nuclear bomb exploded. Well, I suppose we’ve still got two hours left. Alright, time to go watch the last hour of the Golden Globes for some ungodly reason.
“Fear my beige trenchcoat!”