Dear Batman. Big Fan. I Need You To Kill.

How do you start a letter to a person you know about only through comic books, movies and one man plays put on under the dining room table with action figures while the parents talk about weekend custody and mom asking dad when first realized he wanted to pursue a career in man wrestling. Did he man wrestle when they dated in college? Did he man wrestle anyone mom knew personally? I think it’s awesome, I love wrestling. Mom said it’s not that kind or wrestling but it does involve grown men and lubricants. What’s a lubricant? That was an awkward letter beginning because, while we’ve never met, I feel like I know you so this all seems weird.

Anyway. Mr. Man. Mr. Batman. I’ve got a request. I’m only doing this because I read about how that little girl wrote a letter to Jack Sparrow and the guy from 21 Jump Street came to her school and slept with her teacher (I read that on Facebook.) I need your help and I’m hoping you’ll come through because we’ve both got a lot in common like I love Zorro too and we both have a cleaning person that acts like our father. Mine is a portly Guatemalan woman named Rosario.

I’ll cut to the chase. I need you to kill my bus driver.

He is a major, major pud-pounder. I get picked on daily at school. I’m thinking any other kid would want you to kill his bullies but it’s really not their fault (plus it would be major obvious I had something to do with it). Most of their mothers are crack whores that work the overnight shift at the diner so they can spend their days sleeping with truckers (again, I read this all on Facebook.) Taking it out on them would just be pointless. The bus driver, though, sees it all go down every day and doesn’t stick up for me. The other day he was all about “Good morning, little dude, what’s up?” and I was like “nothing, just waiting to get my teeth kicked in again and being forced to lick pleather bus seats. How was your AA meeting? Not good obviously because your gums smell like Grandpa’s wild turkey cologne.” He had the nuts to say “maybe you get picked on because you’re a little wise fart dude.”

Ugh. Just kill him. Please, Batman, I’m willing to do anything to make it an easy mission. I’ve included a drawing of his house so maybe you can do it in the morning before he goes to work?

That’s him inside the house, right after you slice his throat with your arm band knives. This is like a future drawing of him I guess then.

If you don’t want to do it at home, I’ve drawn our bus and our daily route before school.

Sorry it’s a little messy, my arms were numb from being beaten with seat belts and getting choked out until I told the whole bus I liked to lick my own peehole.

This is a picture I drew the last time I stayed with my dad. It’s him and his new best friend Dale.

It’s got nothing to do with the mission, I just think it’s a boss drawing and wanted to share.

I’m pretty sure this is all you will need to kill him. This will be our secret. Swear. I won’t tell anyone and when he ends up dead I’ll be all “oh man, that is crazy. I know it wasn’t Batman because he doesn’t kill” and I’ll even make sure to mention it again on my Facebook page. I’ll tell everyone in my status that I saw you at the Costco all day. Cover it up.

Are you on Facebook? Can we be friends? Is it Batman or THE Batman. Nevermind, I’ll find it. Just go kill. 

Thanks, please write back after he is dead.

Your fan for life,

Aaron

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18 Comments

  1. No offense, but I miss Madison. All the articles by spalding seem like cracked rejects. I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all but these just aren’t that funny, in my opinion.

  2. It is written like Cracked, but I like Cracked and Cracked is blocked at my job so I like it.

    Spalding, you know its going to be haters, crying about their boyfriend Madison they miss so don’t sweat it.

    I liked it, I was cracking up the whole time.

    Keep up the good shit.

  3. @chrystani – Thanks so much for the kind words. I’ll remember you when I take over the world.

    @Madison Thanks. Appreciate you sticking up for me. NOW GO GET YOUR F’N SHINEBOX!

  4. It’s too god damn forced.

    Cracked is hardly all that good outside the staff writers (except Cody) and a few random regular columnists.

    Spalding=CodyJ.
    Hmmm, I wouldn’t be surprised if it really was the same guy behind the shenanigans of unfunny.

  5. I’ll defend Spalding here a bit. His lists that have gone up the last few days have been decent. I especially liked the Weird Al one. I think what helps is that the list format forces writers to organize their thoughts and tighten the writing up, which is good.

    In contrast, this “free-style” attempt is a mess. It isn’t terribly funny, it’s marred by grammar miscues and it just kind of wanders around aimlessly. That first sentence alone made my inner-editor cry. To put things in perspective, you made someone who edits bills and laws for a state senate go “WTF?” That puts this article on par with tax law.

    That said, the earlier commentators need to lay off. He’s the new guy and probably not as experienced as Madison. Give him some time and a chance to clean up his style and we’ll see some funny stuff. If you jump on him like a pack of assholes every time an article swings and misses you’ll only make yourselves look like douchebags. We don’t do that here, which is why this is pretty much the only site whose comments I read.

    And by the way, this whole site is essentially Cracked Lite. I enjoy reading both of them, and so should you.

  6. @velovan
    You are right. I have liked a few if spalding’s articles, weird al and the one about reading “the boys”, in particular. I simply didn’t like this one in particular, that’s why I chose to comment on this one. I didn’t mean to sound like an asshole, I was just starting my opinion. I really hope his posts improve and I absolutely wish him the best. Because this is honestly one of my favorite sites and I hope it continues to be.
    The biggest difference between spalding’s posts and madison’s are, to me madison tried to be informative first and funny second whereas spalding seems to go for being funny first and informative second. And her tries too hard I understand that they are two different writers and thus will have different styles. I just prefer madison’s for now.

  7. What a bunch of twats. I thought it was great. Different. Not everything has to be compared to cracked because it’s somewhat in the same pen.

    Or maybe we should be reading all you peoples clearly hilarious thoughts? Oh, right. You’re readers, not writers and I imagine you could barely stumble through a joke if it landed on your nutsack.

  8. OMG I never really used to read these comments, but when did MADISON GO??? NO no no… I liked him, what he wrote and all that… It’s stuff like his that kept me coming back.

    As for this thingy with batman, i did like some bits. It reminds me of that 4chan thingy with batman and kermit. Yet some bits were too obvious. *shrugs* I just wish you people posted more on Sundays… *sigh* Maybe Batman can make THAT happen!!!

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