There is a strange taboo in the world of American video games. I could have made a top 10,000 list of various people getting their heads blown off in a thousand different games, but I can’t go past a top six list when I’m trying to find video game sex scenes?
I guess it’s why Zack and Miri Make a Porno was rated NC-17 twelve times while Hostel 2’s penis chopping action got through with an R. I’ve successfully avoided all NSFW boobie action for your work viewing pleasure, but use your discretion accordingly with the volume dial, the voice acting is real enough.
I scoured the internet far and wide to find these, but if I missed any, let me know.
1) Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Rated NC-17 for horribly awkward last-gen graphics sex.
This is the sex scene that brought a firestorm down on Rockstar, a company already on trial by half of America for corrupting our youth. The “Hot Coffee” mod allows players to get some after a date, and the result is an incredibly polygonal an disjointed sex mini-game that only the guy in this video could find sexy. Seriously, this is the greatest video I’ve found of the scene just because of this loser’s commentary. Try getting turned on while listening to him yammer on “getting’ some.” Sexifying begins at 7:30.
Sure you can sell a game where you can run over old ladies with your car, but a mutually consented sex scene? THROW THEM IN JAIL!
2) Mass Effect
Rated PG-13 for brief glimpses of blue alien ass.
This rather tame sequence got Mass Effect banned in a few countries across the world, who prefer promoting violence over sex. In the game your character can choose two romantic paths regardless of your gender, and the second path is always the blue alien chick who is allegedly “genderless.” Right…. Well, who didn’t play through the game a second time with a girl character just to see this scene?
3) Custer’s Revenge
Rated PG because you wouldn’t figure out what was going on unless I told you.
The infamous Atari game that had one point only. Getting your naked Custer to that naked Indian chick tied to a cactus. That’s all I have to say. Watch the video.
4) God of War II
Rated PG-13 for suggestive themes and innuendo.
Alright, so there are about five different GOW sex scenes I could have picked, and most of them would have had better quality videos and pixilated boobies, but I really wanted to post the fountain one. You’ll see why.
5) Indigo Prophecy
Rated R for unruly amount of man ass.
I’ve no idea what Indigo Prophecy is, but damn there’s a lot of sex in this game. Search the internet for some of the other more boobalicious videos, because this one is your standard missionary minigame. And is that Nickelback playing in the background? God, what a turn on. The “sexiness” starts at 3:00
6) Super Mario 64
Rated NC-Any Age because well, Mario, how could you?
Look, I know catching that damn rabbit was annoying but…