Nearly every sports game has “that guy.” You know, the one who always races to pick the absolute best team or player, because they know it completely stacks the deck in their favor? Well, most games have tried to rise and overcome that, making sure that a good player playing with an awful team can manage to beat a terrible player with a godly team through skill. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always play out like that. Here are seven teams and players that no matter what, can almost never be stopped by any means.
7. Tiger Woods
Game: Tiger Woods PGA Tour (2005)
Why he’s immortal: Playing a golf game as Tiger Woods is like playing a Matrix game as Neo, there’s really just no physical way to lose. The game is clearly biased in every way for Tiger, it’s even called Tiger Woods PGA Tour. They named the damn tour after him? That’s like calling it the Cristiano Ronaldo Fifa World Cup. Actually, I’m surprised Ronaldo hasn’t petitioned for that.
Tiger was leagues better than any other player, and his patented “Tiger Vision” power allowed a player to pretty much automatically make any shot. Even though you were only allowed to use it like once a game, it was still obscenely powerful and made you wonder if that’s what Tiger did in real life. Freeze time and have numbers pop up on the screen telling you just exactly how to hit your putt.
Game: Bases Loaded (1988)
Why he’s immortal: Many of you may not remember Bases Loaded on the NES. Hell, I don’t, I was eating crayons at about that time in my life. But from what I can gather, the old school baseball team had one major power hitter that trumped all others, Paste, the home run machine from Jersey.
Yes, Jersey. Teams weren’t licensed back then, so Bases Loaded had to make up their own league and roster. I’m not sure how they came up with “Paste,” but he was the man you wanted as he was guaranteed a home run or two a game at the very least. Bases Loaded was recently re-released for the Wii’s Virtual Console, no word on if they balanced out Mr. Paste or not or if waggling possibly make him even better.
5. The Green Bay Packers
Game: NFL Blitz (1997)
Why they’re immortal: Alright, so I’m not exactly a huge football expert, but I can never really remember a time when the Packers were like unholy good. Like, I remember the legacies of the Cowboys, the Broncos and the Patriots, but Green Bay? Well, apparently in 1997 Favre was at the peak of his spriteliness and the rest of the team was made up of gods among men, at last according to NFL Blitz. And yes, I know they won the Superbowl that year, but it was their first one since what, Superbowl II?
Everyone would scramble to get Green Bay when the game started, because they knew they could bulldoze through entire defensive lines with one running back, they would automatically catch every 80 yard Hail Mary, and they could kick a field goal from the parking lot if they wanted to. There have been many stacked football teams throughout the years of Madden and NCAA, but I remember the Packers from Blitz being the absolute cheapest.
Game: Fifa World Cup (any year)
Why they’re immortal: Brazil is known for two things, having unruly amounts of hot girls, and having more star soccer players than cars. Every year that Fifa was released, Brazil had the most star players on the roster by FAR. They could hit shots that should not be physically possible, they never got tired from sprinting up and down the field, and in the latest game, Ronaldinho can rainbow the goddamn ball over the goalie if he feels like it.
To pick Brazil in Fifa has always been the easy way out. Sure, in real life Ronaldo’s a fatass now, but in the game he’d still kick your ass all over the place. And don’t get me started on Kaka. The depth of the roster was what made Brazil great. Cristiano may be soccer’s golden boy, but even he can’t stand up to the mighty Brazilian soccer army.
3. Evander Holyfield
Game: Evander Holyfield’s Real Deal Boxing (1992)
Why he’s immortal: When the entire game is named after you, chances are you’re probably going to be the best player. Alright, that’s fair enough, but that doesn’t mean you need to be @#%!ing Hercules. Evander was maxed out in every single stat category imaginable, so it was quite literally impossible to be better than him, the best you could ever hope to do was tie.
Your friend could jump into the player two slot if they wanted and take control of Evander, and he would undoubtedly laugh his ass off as he beat you into a fine digital powder. A close runner up to Evander is the invincible Mike Tyson, in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, but he wasn’t a playable character, so there.
2. The Chicago Bulls
Game: NBA Jam (1992)
Why they’re immortal: Despite being Michael Jordanless, since Nike owned his name (yes, they can do that), the Bulls still dominated every single aspect of the game.
All you needed was some Scotty Pippen action and you were on FIRE and breaking backboards in no time. And you always made that at the buzzer shot.
1. Bo Jackson
Game: Tecmo Super Bowl (1991)
Why He’s Immortal: Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson was an unstoppable force of nature that is still a legend to this day. He could run for 1000 yards in a single game. He could break tackles all over the field for so long that the game clock actually ran out. When he scored he tore down the goal posts and ate them on the spot. Alright, maybe not that last one.
But virtual Bo did become such a legend that people would actually come up to him in the street, talking about Tecmo Bowl plays rather than his real life on-field accomplishments. Now that is video game immortality. Still don’t believe me? Check it out:
He’s like a little pixelated angel of death.
No we didn’t forget about Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson’s Punchout but he does have his weaknesses.