I’m what people call a beta male. That does not mean I have non-existent genitals, and spend all my time crying. Rather, it just means I’m far too relaxed and non-confrontational to ever be a typical alpha male.
They’re cocky, brash, intense and domineering. Sometime they use their dominance for good, others for evil. I tried to go through and find who the biggest alpha males have been throughout TV history. I’m sure you’ll say I missed a few, but check out my list below for yourself.
10. Don Draper
Only at number ten? You might imagine that the star of Mad Men would be higher up on the list. Last week he made a bunch of women swoon by fixing a leaky sink in his undershirt, but when you see who else is on this list, you’ll probably understand why he’s not higher. He’s charismatic and a born leader, but more often than not he uses his power to sell crap people don’t want and talk women out of their underwear while married.
9. Coach Taylor
I have the Friday Night Lights coach here as sort of a polar opposite from Draper. He’s also charismatic and a leader, but he uses his abilities for good instead. He orders around highschoolers, and finds what’s inside them to make them champions. Fortunately for his wife, he doesn’t use his charm to stray, and is perhaps the best husband in TV history.
8. Jack Donaghy
What list could be complete without Jack Donaghy? The doctor at the hospital reported him as coming out of the womb with perfectly combed hair, wearing a suit. On 30 Rock he balances out Liz Lemon’s insanity, and almost always knows what to do in any given situation. Only his rare moments of weakness keep him from inching higher up this list.
7. Raylan Givens
If I was most like any alpha on this list, it might be Raylan. He’s a lot more relaxed than most figures here (that’s what we have in common), but he’s always one to come out on top in a fight (when I get into a fight, I’ll let you know). Perhaps it’s just that he’s Southern, but even at a slower pace he dominates every situation he gets himself into.
6. Ari Gold
Again, another polar opposite. For as chill as Raylan may be, that’s how intense Ari is. Though I try to scrub the last few seasons of Entourage from my mind, as it was some of the most wretched TV I’ve ever seen, Ari remained a fantastic character right until the last episode where everything went completely to hell. He’s loud, abusive, but always, always gets what he wants in the end.
5. Mal Reynolds
Though I may have his pistol now, I doubt I’ll ever have that indescribable quality that makes Mal Reynolds such a great leader. He’s hot-headed, sure, but commands the respect of his crew. All of this comes with a pretty strict moral conscience as well. Well, a fairly strict one. Well, a variable one at least.
4. Al Swearengen
He smokes, drinks, fights and owns a whorehouse, how much more of a manly man can you possibly be? Swearengen was such a great character, he carried almost all of Deadwood entirely on his back. And of course, he has something all of these other entrants lack so far, a mustache, a must-have for any man’s man.
3. James T. Kirk
The sheer amount of badassery that is James T. Kirk cannot be measured by any list like this. He fights aliens, beds aliens and is home in time for dinner. Through dozens of Star Trek episodes and a few movies, he proved himself to be a great leader and a strong force for good. And a strong force for green alien chicks.
2. Jack Bauer
So who could possibly top Kirk? Why, the one and only world-savior himself, Jack Bauer. He’s saved cities from destruction, the earth from nuclear war, it’s hard to measure just how much he’s done with his fists and a gun. He’s not one for talking (“DAMNIT CHLOE!” being over half of his lines) but he’ll always get the job done by killing the bad guys in the most horrific ways imaginable.
1. Ron Swanson
And who, on earth could ever unseat Jack Bauer for the number one spot? The mustachioed legend, the devourer of bacon, the wizard of woodworking, miracle of manliness that is Ron Swanson. Don’t believe me? Just watch:
Maybe I’ll write a beta male list now…