By Jenni Wright
Back when I was a teenager, the CW was the WB and the hit show of the day was Dawson’s Creek. Now, did the world need a sappy show about teenage romance in North Carolina where love is separated by a mere creek? I’m not sure. But if you were a nerd in high school and you spent more time editing articles for the Palatine High School Cutlass newspaper than going on actual dates, the show may have provided the vicarious experience of what dating in high school might have been like if you had been cool. Skip to about 15 years later and the WB became the CW, the girl of Dawson’s dreams got knocked up by Tom Cruise and I’m a grown ass woman who landed actual dates shortly after high school. Do I still wish that I could go back in time and have a hot vampire ask me out to prom? Yes. And you do too. Come with me down the dark scary path of today’s CW.
Hart of Dixie
Synopsis: Dr. Zoe Hart of New York moves to Alabama to gain experience as a general practitioner. Then cue a lot of examples of how Alabama is not New York.
Watch this show if: You want to make sweet sweet love to Rachel Bilson, you’ve always wanted to see Jason Street (Scott Porter) from Friday Night Lights get out of that wheelchair, when the Gilmore Girls ended you were left feeling cold and alone, you want to hate Vice President/Presidential candidate John Hoynes (Tim Matheson) from the West Wing just a little while longer, you secretly hate people who move to New York
Beauty and the Beast
Synopsis: This is exactly like Disney’s Beauty and The Beast, minus the animation and singing but involves detective work and is more implausible
Watch this show if: You think animalistic rage is sexy, you have not gotten your lifetime fill of police procedural shows, you can live with the fact that Chip and Lumiere are not in this version, you made an early pact with Satan to watch any show that Kristin Kreuk was on until you die, you like plot lines that move at a glacial pace, you are curious about dinosaur erotica but want to dip your toe into beast on woman romance first
The Vampire Diaries
Synopsis: Elena Gilbert is grieving the death of her parents in small town Mystic Falls. She encounters the brooding and handsome Salvator brothers who (surprise!) are actually vampires. Love triangles, teenage rites of passage and the supernatural ensue.
Watch this show if: You thought the love triangle in the Twilight Series was weak sauce, you think plot lines should move at warp speed, deep down inside you want to live forever, you were on your high school’s prom committee, you think the term “Young Adult Novel” is too restrictive, Ian Somerhalder’s piercing blue eyes commanded you to watch the show
Synopsis: Klaus Mikaelson of The Vampire Diaries moves back to New Orleans to reclaim the city. He’s a complicated and handsome vampire who can’t seem to work out his own emotional issues. His siblings are similarly physically gifted and either love him or want to kill him at any juncture.
Watch this show if: Like a lemming you will follow The Vampire Diaries characters as they take a suicidal leap into a spin off show, The New Orleans of Treme is a little too real for you, you think you can change a dangerous homicidal man, you don’t want to get pregnant by a vampire and a werewolf separately but AT THE SAME TIME
The Carrie Diaries
Synopsis: It’s exactly like Sex and the City, except that it takes place in the 80’s when Carrie Bradshaw was in high school and no one gets naked on camera
Watch this show if: You loved Sex and the City but always wondered what it would be like to remake the show without all of that pesky nudity and adult dialogue, you secretly hate people who leave New York to move back to their home towns, you think brunch is the best meal of the day, you at any point in your life ordered a cosmopolitan
Synopsis: It’s France in 1557 and Mary, Queen of Scots, moves to the French court to await her marriage to Prince Francis. Then a bunch of political scheming and back stabbing takes place (we’re talking about royalty people) and handmaidens wear beautiful clothes that aren’t exactly period accurate. There’s also a handsome bastard son of the King named Bash.
Watch this show if: You love The Lumineers, you are a costume design enthusiast, you thought Game of Thrones had too much sex and violence but not enough teen angst, historical “facts” aren’t your thing, there aren’t enough female masturbation scenes on regular tv for your liking, you want two beautiful doe-eyed sons of king to vie for your attention (I mean, who wouldn’t), Nostradamus predicted that you would watch this show
America’s Next Top Model
Synopsis: Do you want to be on top? DO YOU? Tyra Banks terrorizes a group of models forcing them to proclaim their love for her on camera by dangling a modeling contract as the proverbial carrot. Watch as a bunch of young people pin their hopes and dreams on a career based solely on physical appearances as the economy and world at large crumbles around them.
Watch this show if: You want to be able to let your brain take a nap for an hour, you believe that a Social Media Correspondent is a real occupation, you have yet to perfect smiling with your eyes, you are Tyra Banks, you want absolute proof that the entire world is going to hell in a hand basket
Synopsis: Basically the same plot as Batman but this guy uses a hood and arrows to get the job done and his parents are still alive
Watch this show if: You’ve always hoped for a cross between Iron Man and Revenge, Katniss Everdeen’s archery was not enough to satisfy your archery blood lust, you believe all super powers come from personal trauma, your world view of Robin Hood does not include a sassy and handsome fox from the Disney movie, you’ve read this entire article and thought “god damnit, I need even MORE CW in my life”
Jenni Wright lives in Los Angeles and is still recovering from her high school newspaper days.