Orphans And Racism: The Unspoken Tragedies That Secretly Define Five Major Christmas Specials

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (Hate Him For Being Different, Then Like Him Once We Can Use Him To Our Benefit)

So I am into dudes, but I use dentistry as a metaphor and somehow they STILL banish me. Sucks to be us, broseph.”

Rudolph was treated like a mutant. Like he was some gypsy woman, born with six breasts (also known as Breastnu, the only Goddess I pray to). Even his own Father (played super-alpha-male-style) was quick to rub some dirt on his kid’s shnoz so other people wouldn’t know he was different. They hid him away, and lied about him. So, in essence, it is like they had a multi-racial baby and were hiding it away and out fear and shame. Wow, that is heady stuff.

And then, we have Hermey (note HER right there in HIS name* sarcasm font*). He is an elf, and elves make toys, but Hermey wants to be a dentist. Hermey doesn’t want to make toys. He wants to be inside other elve’s mouths. Wow, I could have worded that differently. Sorry. Anyway, as a result of this, Hermey is banished for being gay  wanting to be work with teeth. Ofcourse, these two meet up and go on an epic road trip. Don’t even get me started on the rag tag group of misfits that they all end up forming. Most badass Avengers lineup EVAR!

” Yo, Cornelius. It would SO MUCH LESS RAPEY if you didn’t lick the end of that thing like it was a p****. There are kids around, dude.”

I mean, really, by the end they are hanging out with f*cking Yeti’s, so to say shit gets epic is an understatement, but the sad thing is, the bad guys prevail. You see, they only accept Rudolph once they realize that his mutant nose could benefit them. Suddenly, all the male reindeer and trying to act like him, and the females be walking up, spraying him with musk and shit. Wait, not musk and shit, literally. That would be uber-creepy.  Either way, he becomes a rockstar overnight for all the wrong reasons, and never holds any of his bullies accountable for laughing him into hiding as a child.

Grinch would have slow roasted those deer if that was him. Also, in this world, there is an island for “misfit toys”. What that decodes to is that they banish things that are different to far away isolated land masses where they will die of loneliness and starvation. Aw, I LOVE Christmas!

Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas (They Are Poor And Starving To Death)

They may be muppets, they may not be real, but my God they are one of my favorite bands ever.

Okay, I really can’t say too much negative (or hypothetical) about this special because it is the best of the best. The top of the crop. But I think we all know what the issue was here. Emmet just wanted to make some music, that ish was in his blood, but he and his Mama were REALLY poor, and suffered some injustices at the hands of, wait for it, The Riverbottom Nightmare Band. I know they were the bad guys, and they complicated Emmet and his poor Mama’s life so much, but my God, something in me, something primal, responded to them. They were the most badass band ever. And they weren’t even real people. Though I read somewhere that bear actually did knock up Jewel.

They never showed it on screen, but the band was known for hosting day-long, celebrity filled orgies.

In the end, Emmet and his soulful band (who were the precursor for the Soggy Bottom Boys from Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. I just made that up but it feels true to me) may have lost the talent show, but they got the job to perform nightly at the restaurant, which meant getting some income, which meant not starving to death, which meant, they won. But the unspoken implication if they did not win and he didn’t get hired was that Emmet and his Mama were going to slowly starve and freeze to death for the sake of music. How’s that for a merry Christmas? WE ARE THE 99%!

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Twas The Night Before Christmas: Some jaded little mouse wrote a mean letter to Santa, and now Santa is all pissed off and might cancel Christmas. In what sick world can a mouse write hate letters to humans? A world I want no part of.

The mouse even looked like a prick.

Santa Clause Is Coming To Town: Two words: The Burgermeister. That dude and his massive chin haunts my dreams. Heat Miser is my jam, though. Love that song.

So what did I miss? I almost brought up that Alf special with the dying girl, but I can barely remember it. Also, do you guys and gals have any articles you would like to see written, pop on over to my site and drop me a line. You never know, you could be a muse, disguised as a nerd. That’s pretty common, actually.

See, I am friends with Jesus. This article was just for laughs. Even he liked it.

  • Frank

    This seems to be written by someone enamoured with how clever they are. Not that the points made are wrong, or without humour buried somewhere inside – but confessing that cracked produces this sort if article often, makes the reader naturally draw a comparison. Unfortunately, the quality of writing isn’t up to cracked standards, nor the standards set by this site as a whole.

  • Skot

    Having seen “Frosty The Snowman” just last night, and it being fresh in my mind, I feel the need to point this out: Karen makes reference to her mother while climbing aboard the refrigerated train car (something about her mother not being upset so long as she’s back home by suppertime). She is not an orphan, in spite of her not wearing pants.

  • GrandWazoo

    I agree 100% with Frank.

    FYI “of course” and “at least” are two words each, not one condensed word. Also, did you really go out of your way to acknowledge internet trolls and that your article is very similar to a cracked article? You writing an article like Cracked is not supposed to be a good thing. You even mention the comments, which is something that the worst Cracked articles do “Now I know I’m going to get flack in the comments for saying this” is one of the most common phrases on Cracked. Honestly, if you want to write for Cracked then apply at Cracked, don’t write a copycat article for a different site then constantly compare your work to them.

  • RBourn

    If you were trying to write a Cracked article, you forgot to number the entries. Also, you know they are accepting articles from anyone now?

    This doesn’t feel like an Unreality post, I’m not sure why this is even here. Writing “And don’t fire too many arrows. Cracked.com has made a name for itself with pieces like this” really doesn’t exempt you from criticism.

    I have enjoyed many of your other articles on this site, but I think you could do with writing stuff like this actually for Cracked and stick to your very good film based stuff here. This just seems out of character for the site and for you.

  • Guys, the article is satire. Lighten up a little.
    I was poking fun at the idea of pieces like this.
    I have had articles re-linked on Cracked, so this is not me attempting to feud with them, nor was I trying to emulate them.
    Was simply trying to have some fun.
    Do something different.
    That is all.
    Why have I not yet earned that right? This always confuses me.
    If you have followed my stuff, anytime I do an article like this, I go down in flames. But I never stop doing them.
    Because there are no rules. If Paul okays it, that is all I am worried about. In this case, he did.
    There are plenty of movie lists coming, but suggesting I should “stick to them” seems a little priggish of you.
    Also, the kids in Frosty have no pants on.
    I don’t care if you all think that is normal, that is weird shit, and someone needed to say something about it.
    I am still working on those “satire” and “sarcasm” fonts, but I got a lot on my plate right now.
    I love you all, regardless.

  • trashcanman

    For the record, Cracked stopped being a humor site some time ago and this article was funnier than the lame self-righteous political correctness and personal pet peeve blogs they let on there now. I enjoyed this one, Carreiro, although I do agree that Unreality would be better off adopting a different format for its pieces than the done-to-death Cracked formula.

  • frank

    Insinuating that the reader didn’t get the intention of the article, or that satire wasn’t recognized is missing the point a little. I believe much of the criticism isn’t based so much on the fact that readers weren’t bright enough to understand your intent or that you should stick to another type of post, but rather, didn’t think the execution was particularly good.

  • GrandWazoo

    This time I agree with lower case frank.

    Satire is a tricky thing and needs to be executed perfectly or else it comes off as cheap and smarmy. That’s why Mark Twain is such a revered writer. He elevated satire to an art form and it may be unfair to compare you to him, but you opened the door yourself. Too bad it hit you square in the face.

  • ^ Hey, was that door comment satire? I think I get it now.
    Thanks guys.
    Sorry I stepped outside of YOUR comfort zones.
    I will stick to mouth kissing and above the belt fondling henceforth, so as to avoid such drama.
    Thanks for reading, regardless.
    I guess.
    Or something.

  • Frank

    Clearly you are insulted Remy, and rightly so – your skill as a writer is being questioned. Though, I don’t see any of the comments as being especially malicious.

    To me, it seems even more amateurish to continue to talk down to your readers, and rather than examine what criticisms are there, to adopt the stance that it is us who is at fault for this piece being poorly written. It is never easy to admit something you wrote was not up to par, but perhaps the notion is at least worth your attention.

    I might also add the following; while I may not speak for everyone who has read the article by any means – I think, based on the comments made here, that we all understood what you were attempting. It was within my comfort zone, and I think, if the article were better written i would have enjoyed it. Then again, I could be wrong.

  • monstrinho

    In the Rudolph animation. THEY TOOK THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN’S TEETH OUT WHILE HE SLEPT! That will always be the tragedy in that film.

  • I live, I learn. I get insulted when the weather changes, so it is by no means a reflection on you all as it is still some inherent doubt in my skill as a writer, which is plainly why I get so upset.
    Onward and upward, as my imaginary friends always say.

  • GrandWazoo

    It’s not that you’re a bad writer by any means; it’s more akin to some kid in an AP English class learning a bunch of fancy words, then using as many of those words as he can in every paper he writes.

    Your satire of Cracked wasn’t a bad idea, but the execution was a bit ham-fisted. You wanted to satirize every single aspect of a Cracked article, but by doing so it because muddled. When I think of satire, I think of Mark Twain and his perfection of the device. You can read Huck Finn as nothing more than a story and it still holds its own, even though it is one of the best works of satire ever written. You can’t read your article without noticing how blatantly it makes fun of the style and content of a Cracked article.

  • GrandWazoo

    it became, not it because*

  • Charlie Ward

    I thought it was a good article, Remy. Just so you know you’re not unappreciated and junk.